Is There Anything Worth Celebrating?

What is it with all these National, International and World Days, Weeks and Months of Something-or-other? I used to think that they were all just made up by some global greetings card company but there are plenty of these "celebration" events that you can't buy a card for. I don't think they're all sinister either (although on 13 August there's the International Left-Handers' Day), but some of them are just plain bananas, including some that weren't even dreamed up in the USA, the undisputed home of the weird.

Complete Bastard Plant

I've never had nettle soup or made nettle tea. Basically, the only interractions I've ever had with nettles tend to have resulted in pain; either through stings or the back-breaking work of removing them from the soil. I had no idea that nettles were, in fact, so reportedly lovely until Be Nice to Nettles Week appeared on my horizon. And the nettle people clearly weren't happy with just having a standard British week in which to conduct their nettlephilia. No, their week ran for twelve days from 18th to 29th May and was at odds with Compost Awareness Week, which ran from 1st May. Gardeners who had removed all their nettles and threw them on the compost heap had then to retrieve the rotting mess and be "nice" to it a few days later. Joined-up thinking? No.

I was surprised to find some celebratory elements being put together. For example, earlier this year there was the Food Allergy and Intolerance Week. I have no food allergies so the period between 24th and 27th January (note: four days, not seven) would have been pretty much redundant for me had it not been for the opportunity to be intolerant; something I enjoy hugely. I had a lovely week being intolerant, and took the chance of being so towards those with food allergies, during their special, short week.

Rotherham's Favourite

Parents and children from Rawmarsh Comprehensive School in Rotherham must have felt blessed in February with the opportunity to  enjoy National Chip Week. Congratulations to the potato people, in fairness; at least their week was indeed the regular seven day job. And after those January and February weeks for idiots, there was a chance to consider their foolishness in World Thinking Week from 22nd February. Thankfully, after becoming exhausted from all the thinking that went on, The Sleep Council came up with National Bed Month. Not just a day or a week - the whole month of March to stay in bed. John Lennon would have been peacefully proud. 

During the course of Bed Month there was Brain Awareness Week (I have to admit I misread that one and spent a few days keeping in touch with people I know called Brian, much to their confusion). Still in the Bed period, indeed on the first day of that month, was Self Injury Awareness Day. How can you not be aware that you've injured yourself? Not only that, but for those that aren't aware of injuring themselves, they have to wait six months for World Suicide Prevention Day. Wouldn't it have been better to have had that on 2nd March, to drive home the point about the ultimate consequences of the avoidable self-injury that it professed to make everyone aware of?

I didn't understand World Population Day, on 11th July. I was under the impression that the World kind of populated itself every day. Perhaps this should have been flagged up on the previous 16th October as "World Shag-Without-Protection Day". 

In the dire world of the dull, World Town Planning Day on 8th November must be a real highlight and, for us uptight Brits, how about the frightening World Hello Day coming up on 21st November? It seems that we'll all be required to say "Hello" to (or "greet", as the blurb suggests) at least ten strangers. Aaaaargh! Thank goodness for 11th December, when we can celebrate International Mountain Day by disappearing up one in the hope that we'll not have to greet anyone at all. Of course, as everyone else will have had the same idea it'll be bloody "Hello Day" all over again, by default...

What can be done about all of this crap? Bugger all, it appears. So why don't we fight back with some even more pointless celebratory occasions? Here's some dates for the diary...

• 7th - 13th February: Alien Abduction Week (NB: Mid-West United States only)
• March: Awareness Awareness Month. It's quite obvious that people need to be more aware of being aware of things.
• 1st - 7th April: Hug a Nutter Week. All Fools Day is an old institution that can be refreshed by Cameronesque behaviour along the lines of hoodie-hugging.
• 6th April: Be Nice to Merchant Bankers and Philip Green Day. It's the day when they can all celebrate having got away with having paid no tax! Again!! If we're nice to them then they might be nice to all of us. It could also be called "When Hell Freezes Over Day".
• 12th August: Arm Grouse With Kalashnikovs Day. Let's see how the HS&F set like that.
• 22nd November: World Goodbye Day. This is the day after World Hello Day, so it seems appropriate to me.
• 25th December: National Secular Day. An opportunity to piss off anyone that likes Jesus.