Is it just me, or is Martin Lewis a bit of a twat?
OK, his MoneySavingExpert website probably does have some good tips but most of them seem to require an awful lot of time, work and, let's face it, risk. The risks are usually associated with not following the painfully exact instructions on how to save 5p every four million years by changing your supplier of some unneeded service. And if you don't do it right, then guess what? It's not Martin's fault, and never ever will be, of course.
When he's on the radio (with the sublimely professional Sheilagh Fogarty) for BBC 5Live, he is just so cock-sure of himself in his little bubble of saving millions of consumers from the nasty machinations of corporations that he seems to believe spend all their waking hours dreaming up new ways to screw the public. And then there's the poor, deluded saps that phone in to receive his sage advice on how to deal with their mounting debts. The answers are always the same. "Get some different debt from someone who charges you less money than you're paying for your current debt", delivered in the patronising tone that can only come from someone who has made shedloads of money out of everyone else's financial misery, just by stating the bleeding obvious. And they're oh-so grateful for being told what they already knew, had they just been honest with themselves.
| Money-Saving Device: Use on either Credit Cards or Wrists |
But Ooooh! Noooo.... It's not my fault, says the reflection, of course. It's the government. It's the cuts. It's the council. It's the Europeans, But most of all, naturally, it's the bloody bankers that forced an idiot to borrow so much money on their evil cards and overdrafts with a metaphorical gun pointed at their brainless skulls. It's never bloody well you, though, is it!?
Well here's a revelation: it is you. You have done this. You have got this debt mountain that you refuse to climb and conquer, instead demanding that someone like Lewis provides you with a "Get Out of Debtors' Prison Free" card. Stop blaming everyone else for your idiotic profligacy.
Forget Lewis and all the other pundits that profess to have found the philosopher's stone of escape from penury.
Here are MoneySavingAmateur's amazing top ten tips to avoid financial ruin. These are unconditional. If you follow these tips then I can GUARANTEE that you will never be in debt. (Terms and conditions apply - available on request through a tortuous sequence of questions that make sure that you never get to the end of them - alternatively you can just tick a box that absolves me from any blame - a bit like confession for Roman Catholics).
1) Don't get into debt. Follow this piss-easy two step guide...
a) Live within your means. This means not buying shit you can't afford. This is the fundamental rule in MoneySavingAmateur's guide to financial freedom.
b) Never become a student unless you're foreign, Scottish, or have a rich daddy.
| It was all simpler then? |
2) Make do and mend. It worked in the War. Your t-shirt may have been made in a sweat-shop in Mumbai for 5p, but that doesn't mean you have to throw it away after you've vomited down it after the binge-drinking you can't afford. If you tear your jeans scrambling over a razor-wire fence escaping from a police "kettle', then rejoice! It's now a pair of Paltrow designer denims that don't even need mending!
3) Don't do anything that might (in any way) be fun. Things that are fun tend to cost a lot of money, like skiing and crack cocaine.
4) Become a drug dealer. This is the only "Optional Tip" from the this list. (WARNING: Although this career choice can be extremely lucrative and provide a nest-egg for your old age, it could also seriously affect your ability to live beyond the age of thirteen and/or have a reductive impact on your liberty and result in high-end physical damage in E-wing at Strangeways)
5) Don't be Irish or Greek or Portuguese (add other Euro-zone nationalities to this list as their Governments default).
6) Remember that money doesn't grow on trees. Fruit does. And it's worth considering that fruit is often - calorie for calorie - a lot cheaper than McShit burgers.
7) Marry Well. A lot of people don't seem to want to get married any more. But just have a look at the following examples of some seriously wealthy men and women who have achieved financial security by marrying well and make your own judgements as to whether this is a good tip or not.
- Heather Mills: No talent, weird, one leg. Now a multi-millionairess.
- Mike Tindall: Ugly, cleavage-snogging, dwarf-throwing, World-Cup-losing piss-head. Now sixth (or thereabouts) in line to the throne.
- Cherie Booth: Scouse daughter of alcoholic. Now property tycoon, judge and wife of the future President of the World.
8) Never gamble (not to be confused with 'gambol'. Gambolling is something that can be done for free although it can look a little odd in the wrong circumstances like, say, at funerals). Gambling is for mugs - but it is rare that crockery will be the items gained through this activity, unless you do bingo. It's said that "The House always wins" when it comes to gambling, and let's face it, it's bad enough to lose money at gambling but when the winner is a piece of real estate, it just makes it so much worse...
9) Don't throw your money away. That's just stupid.
10) Get a fucking job, you lazy bastard.
So, there we are then. MoneySavingAmateur has the answers. These may not be the same ones that Martin Lewis comes up with but, like MoneySavingExpert.com, they're absolutely free. The big difference is that, MoneySavingAmateur comes from a place so far below the Lewis moral high ground that it's possible to see right up his patronising, holier-than-thou, money-saving arse...that being the same one that he talks out of...probably.
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