Winter Is Almost Upon Us - A WARNING

Nestling, as they do, in a steep-sided valley with marching pine forests and moorland all around, the older residents of our village (and probably some of the younger ones too) have seen many winters come and go, although some of those didn't go so rapidly. Setting aside the 1948 and 1962 winters - the ones that redefined the scale - last year was a bit hairy (as opposed to hoary, I guess). Snow all but cut the village off for a few weeks and the winter is still talked about. 

It's now early September, and those that know about these things are looking for signs of the possible harshness or mildness of the winter to come. Very important lore around here, I might add, especially where the livestock is concerned, and there is plenty of that.

Current indications from the wise women and men of this village is that we're going to get screwed over again by Boreas; even worse than last winter. There are indicators all over the place, apparently, if you know where to look. Things like how laden the trees are with berries and the fact that this has happened "too early". There's an issue with the bracken too, one that I don't understand at all. Then there was the recent "strangeness" of the gathering sand martins around a meander in the river and the odd behaviour of a local heron. I've been told to look out for the roe deer's decent from the high moors, too.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ANYONE NORTH OF THE M62 - DO NOT IGNORE

It has been predicted here that the harshest Winter since records began will start on 12th October (assuming the otters' spraints turn a particular shade of light poo-brown - otherwise it'll be around 23rd October). Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that records began when Edison perfected the phonograph in 1878. So, this will be the worst winter in 133 years. Shit!

The North of England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and the Isle of Man (which always seems to be forgotten in weather forecasts, even on the BBC, to their shame) will be subjected to four months of almost continuous heavy snowfall. If snow had ever been referred to in the Bible, then the threat of this fall could potentially be described as being of "biblical proportions". But it wasn't, so just imagine the snow as locust or frog plagues, just to get a grip on the likely intensity



Proper Snow

These are the things you need to do:

1) Stock up with sensible stuff: dried goods are ideal. A family of four will require around three hundred kilograms of dried food to see them through. There will be no shortage of water with which to rehydrate the dried goods, provided that...

2) You have an independently sourced fuel stove upon which to boil snow once your water supply has been cut off, your electricity has failed and the Russians have cut off the gas (their winter will be even more severe than ours, just like their justice system).

3) Import as many reindeer skins as you can - now! Russia and Finland are the best and the cheapest markets. Reindeer skins will keep you very warm - don't worry about the smell.

4) Your local hardware store will sell you a "Snow Burner" (large plastic shovel) for about £10 today, and about £500 in late October. So...duh!

5) Be exceedingly nice to your neighbours over the next few weeks - they may not have ignored items 1-4 above, like you might have done, you idiot. By the way...don't buy any grit; the depth of snow will make its distribution pointless - buy hay instead.

5) Consider your pets. If this armageddon-scale winter happens, the best thing all round would be to have them put to sleep. Have you seen the price of cat litter?

IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR "WORKERS" IN CITY OF LONDON GLOBAL FINANCIAL CORPORATE BUSINESSES...



Pathetically small amount of snow:
Guaranteed to Bring London to a Grinding Halt

Don't bother about any of the above instructions.

You will only have a couple of inches of snow - at worst. This will, of course, still bring the M25 to a juddering halt and make all your commuter trains stop for weeks on end. This doesn't matter, as most of you can quite easily "work from home" by fiddling about with your raspberry devices and having "virtual meetings" about fuck all, pretending that it all really matters...which it doesn't, by the way.