ONE NATION, ONE NOTION, ONE ASPIRATION

The conference season is over (apart from the SNP, next week).

What have we learned?

These are the key messages to the electorate from the Coalition Parties and those in Opposition:

CONSERVATIVES (BIRMINGHAM):

1) Kill burglars with your bare hands, or knives, or guns, or hammers

2) Do everything from now on in the same that way we did the Olympics (and Paralympics)

3) Give rich people more money

4) Build a new airport

5) Sack the Chief Whip / Elect Boris Johnson as party leader (eventually)

7) Osborne can't count

Cameron closed the Tory conference with a speech in which he praised the following people:

a) Boris Johnson for, well, being Boris Johnson and for not sticking the knife in too far when entertaining the troops the previous day at conference.
b) The Armed Forces for their work in illegal wars and saving the Olympic Games from a potential disaster brought about by the CEO of G4S (the smaller one of the Chuckle Brothers)
c) The Queen for being just lovely and smashing and "...the best Head of State in the World..." (cue standing ovation)
d) Theresa May for buying Abu Hamza's plane ticket
e) Michael Gove for creating hundreds of little Etons on sink estates
f) His father for being a legless, hard-working alcoholic (I think that's what he said)
g) John Major for running away from the circus to be an accountant
h) Justine Greening for inocculating 130,000 African children during the course of the conference
i) Himself, for vetoeing a European Treaty that was passed anyway
j) Everyone that had anything at all to do with making London 2012 so brilliant but especially Ellie Simmonds for letting him give her a medal
k) IDS for doing really complicated sums to do with pensions
l) George Osborne for something to do with the deficit, and doing it with 'grit'.
m) Ken Livingstone...for the purpsoes of making a cheap joke

There were notable ommissions. There was no mention of his coalition partners, the Liberal Democrats. Neither was there any praise (faint, damning or otherwise) for either of the party's enforcers, Andrew Mitchell and Michael Green...sorry...Grant Shapps, both of whom are likely to be collecting their P45s shortly. And, for the first time I can remember, a party leader's address to conference did not menntion the police. Perhaps that's because they're plebs.

Pleb Welcoming Committee at Downing Street
 for the Chief Whip...

Cameron admitted that his back-story was not a 'hard luck' one, and he told us that he was "...not here to defend privilege, but to spread it..." So privilege will no longer be the preserve of the rich, but just a preserve, to be spread liberally. What with Labour promising that "...working class parents can have middle class children..." and the Tories spreading privilege around like so much jam (tomorrow), the promises of egalitarianism from all of our politcians are as impossible to deliver as peace in the Middle East.

Then there were some people for whom Cameron reserved nothing but opprobrium:

"Slackers": In Gove's brave new world of free schools and academies, there will be no room for slackers. If you don't wear the unforms, submit to discipline and become fluent in Latin by age six, then you'll be to blame for the failure of this Aspiration Nation. Slackers will become fags, have their arse-cracks used as muffin-toasters and be forced to scrub the quad clean with toothbrushes, probably.

The "Yes But No" people: These callous, more-than-my-job's-worth arseholes are ruining Britain and stopping its rise. Bureacratic nimbys...that's what they are and they will be stopped and replaced with "Yes" people!

Alex Salmond: Cameron told the conference that he was going to see Salmond on 15 Oct to sort out the referendum on Scottish independence and to tell the Little Scotlander how silly he was being, trying to tear up the 1707 Act of Union and create two nations instead of the "One Nation" that both Cameron and Miliband want to govern.

To be fair to the Tories, the conference messages were, in the end, quite clear:

• The Queen is lovely
• The Olympics were lovely too...
• ...And the country is great...indeed, it's the "greatest country in the world"
• If you want everything to stay lovely and great then vote Tory 

Boris:"If you don't stand aside and let me be the leader,
I'll rip your heart out with a silver spoon..."

Dave: "Coleus! Velim caput tuum devellere deinde in
confinium gulae cacare..."

LABOUR (MANCHESTER):

1) Ed Miliband can speak for over an hour without notes (or policies), and is very happy in his geeky, state-educated skin.

2) Tories are all rich bastards that line their own pockets with money stolen from pensioners and they get richer because Dave writes them all cheques, personally.

3) Only Labour can save / keep / protect the NHS

4) Ed Balls is a bit cuddlier than he used to be (but only a little bit, and let's remember what the start point was, to be fair) and is convinced that we can borrow our way out of austerity

5) Er...

The conference of the party of opposition is always going to be different from that of the party of power. Ed Miliband had one mission for Manchester and that was to place himself firmly at the head of his party and he achieved that, along with rattling the coalition, slightly. The next two years are critical for Labour if they are gain a majority in 2015.

The Eds - Keeping bromance alive

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS (Somewhere else...can't remember now):

1) Make apologetic videos

2) Organise smaller venue for the 2015 conference to accommodate their MPs. One hotel room should just about do it...and one taxi for the delegates.

UKIP (Also in Birmingham):

1) We're all mad and we don't care...doo-da...doo-da / The French all smell and dye their hair...doo-da...doo-da / The Germans want to be in charge...doo-da...doo-da / To stop them, vote for Nige Farage...doo-da, doo-da, day!

2) Repeat No. 1, ad nauseam...

Nigel Farage empties the European Parliament...again



Just Shut Up, Will You...? Ten People That Should Stop Talking

Some people just don't know when to shut the fuck up, do they? Here are ten examples of those that should button it for now...

1) Everyone that has anything to say in public about Jimmy-bloody-Savile. And that includes me. Leave it to the police.

2) Harriet Harperson: Nobody is interested in anything she has to say any more so she should stop saying anything. She's one of the last hangovers from the Blairites and we've all moved on; especially the Eds. Miliband Jnr will have to realise soon enough that Harman is now excess baggage and find himself a more appropriate "One Nationer" deputy leader. My suggestion would be Andy Burnham. He was, regrettably, Chief Secretary to the Treasury under misery-guts 'Prudence' Broon but I firmly believe that everyone is allowed one mistake in cabinet (apart from Gove, Osborne and Hunt, of course). Burnham's OK. He's bright, articulate and quite often answers hacks' questions with 'Yes' and 'No', which is refreshing. Thanks for everything Harriet (and there was some OK stuff, to be fair)...but ta-ra. Oh, and could you possible take Dromey away with you?

...One ResigNation?

3) John Terry / Ashley Cole / The FA / Mark Lawrenson: Who gives a toss? Over-paid wankers, most of whom have unfeasibly single-digit IQs, kick a ball about and swear at eachother. It really isn't a story, but the media just love it, don't they? Especially when one of the protagonists opens his gob (or, god help us, tweets) without an "advisor"present, and we can then see how utterly thick they are. I can almost forgive stupid people for behaving stupidly...that's what they do, but when the supposedly "qualified" spokesmen for the game weigh in with such crass commentaries as those spouted by Bernstein and his cronies at the FA it makes my heart sink. What's worse? The pundits. I am no more interested in what Lawrenson has to say about anything than I am in Paul Gambaccini's "I told you so" bollocks about Savile. Just shut the fuck up, stop tweeting, and play the game (which was beautiful, once, but now is a travesty of increasingly shabby proportions).

4) Andrew Marr: What makes Andrew Marr think that he's risen so high in the estimation of either his peers or the general public that he should be the one to go on prime time TV and give us his summation of the "History of the World"? I'm OK with Brian Cox covering the much grander scale of the History of the Universe, largely because he's a Professor of Astro-Physics and knows some shit. The only qualification that I can see Marr having for the monumental task of describing the history of the world is that he lives on it. Besides, Marr's programme is not the "History of the World" at all. If anything, it's a piece on the the history of humans and nothing could ever top Jacob Bronowski's "The Ascent of Man". Like many of these series commissioned by the BBC - such as Flanders' thing about the history of modern economics - the camera spends most its time filming the presenter walking about  and, in the case of Marr's rubbish, that means endless footage of him bestriding the globe like the intellectual colossus that he isn't. A much better commission from the BBC would have been "Andrew Marr's History of the Pomposity of Superinjunctions". But I wouldn't watch that, either. Just another jumped-up hack that should shut up. If the BBC wanted to improve on Bronowski, then maybe they should have used someone with more gravitas and moral authority than Marr...for example, Ricky Gervaise or Ant and/or Dec or Russell fucking Brand?

 

Bronowski - Genius

5) Richard Branson: Everybody loves Sir Richard, don't they? He's a sort of Boris Johnson of commerce and, had he not shut up, then the lunacy of the Department of Transport's procurement processes might not have been exposed. So, well done Richard Branson? Not really. All that happens now is that we'll wade into the treacle of rail franchises again only this time under such public scrutiny that it will be impossible for any of the franchises to be awarded because everybody will suddenly be a fucking expert on rail franchises and, after that, NHS procurement, defence contracts and all the rest. The Civil Service wheels will grind even more slowly to make their motion almost imperceptible. The only answer on rail is re-nationalisation. There are plenty of commentators that (quite rightly) point to the mess that British Rail got into in the 60s and 70s but that was forty years ago. Things have moved on. We could really do this sort of thing now...and probably for less money. And not just transport, either. There's the NHS to take back properly, and all of the untilities. So thanks for pointing out the deficiencies in Whitehall procurement, Richard, but now can you please shut up and go and sell some music. You were really good at that, once.

6) Jeremy Hunt: Apparently, the new Health Secretary is a "lovely bloke" and we should respect him because he's "extremely popular" within the Tory Party. That's like saying that Hitler went down really well with racist fascists in 1930s Germany. Hunt, the MP for Farnham and formerly the "Minister for Murdoch", obviously thinks it's about time he said something related to public health matters as this is now, unbelieveably, his brief in cabinet. And upon what issue has he chosen to opine? Abortion. A pretty toxic subject at the best of times. Hunt believes that there should be no abortions after twelve weeks. Of the 200,000 or so preganancy terminations a year in England & Wales, around ten per cent occur after twelve weeks and almost all of those are as a result of tests that cannot be undertaken earlier, but reveal congenital defects in the foetus or agonising disabilities that would lead to a lifetime of care. So, the Secretary of State for Health thinks it's better that we add another £1bn a year to the care budget. Leave things alone, Hunt. It's not perfect...I know, but informed, tragically difficult decisions are taken by the right people under the current legislation - two doctors and, critically, the parent(s). Hunt - a believer in homeopathy - will probably suggest next that all medicines be watered down to nothing and supplied to the NHS by that other loony homeopath, the Prince of Wales. Just shut up, Hunt.

Hunt takes over at Health...Abort! Abort! Abort!

7) Abu Hamza's Legal Team: Game over, everyone. The crazy cleric is now stateside and let that be an end to it. After several years and several millions of pounds spent (and trousered by lawyers), the common sense that should have prevailed has finally been nodded through by what seems like every bloody judge in the UK, Europe and beyond. I'm delighted that the US judiciary will be dealing with Hamza as the alternative would have been several cripplingly expensive show-trials-by-media over the succeeding years through our own courts. Now it's time for everyone just to shut up about it all. We don't care any more.

8) The Prince of Wales: How come HRH gets to say anything about legislation? The Duchy of Cornwall is given access to (and the right to comment on) parliamentary bills on such diverse areas as energy, building programmes, infrastructure plans and anything under DEFRA's portfolio. And we're not allowed to know what the prince has had to say and how far it may have influenced government. This might also be true of shady characters in big business but in the case of the prince we know for certain it's going on but not what is said. On top of that, there's the other undemocratically positioned law-givers like the twenty-six Lords Spiritual. If Charlie ever becomes King, then him and his bishop pals will be running their own fiefdom before you can say antidisestablishmentarianism, or possibly, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, as they might say in his principality. The whole fucking lot of them should just shut the fuck up...

HRH: "Hello...I'd ask if 'you've come far' or 'what you do',
but I can see it's probably from Virginia...and how are
things on the plantation...and how's your massa, boy?
POTUS: "Michelle's so gonna kick your white ass, man...

9) Alex Salmond: I wish he'd just give it a bloody rest. A couple of years back there was a modest swell in the sea of opinions that suggested that the people of Scotland might want a degree of independence from the UK over and above what they already have at Holyrood which, to be fair, is quite a lot. Some serious people are now doing some serious numbers and the Auditor General, Robert Black, is casting significant doubts over whether Scotland's range of free public services is affordable, even in the short term (next week). Sturgeon is rabidly defending Holyrood's stance whereas Salmond has been curiously quiet...maybe even shutting up about independence before I asked him to. Wise man. Incidentally, this has nothing to with the fact that I can see Scotland from my window.

Scotland's First Minister meets
someone with double his own charisma

10) Nick Clegg: Stop apologising and just piss off. Nobody believes you (or in you) any more.

That'll do for now on people that should shut up. Here's a few that we could do with hearing some more from...

Mitt Romney: OK, Obama was a bit off colour in the first TV debate but, generally, every time Romney speaks, he alienates more voters. So he should keep talking...

David Cameron, Michael Gove, and Andrew Mitchell: Same applies as with Romney only without the TV debates. At the same time, we could do with loads more from Jacob Rees-Mogg. When he appears on television and speaks about anything at all it's like the Labour Party getting a free, unauthorised Party Election Broadcast!

Polly Toynbee: I was seriously worried about Polly for a while after Cameron got in. She seemed to take a little holiday at the Bide-a-wee Home for Distressed Lefties. But now that there's a small puff of breeze in Labour's sails again, she's back on form. Rubbisher even let her on the front page of the Grauniad the other day. Go, Polly! One Nation needs your sage advice (now that you're giving it again).

Eric Hobsbawn: OK, he's dead now but he has the opportunity to speak from beyond the grave. I know we haven't seen the whole of Marr's trashy series but I'll bet there's no mention of Hobsbawn when it come to nineteenth and twentieth century history of the world. We could learn a thing or two from Hobsbawn on how to go about things in the twenty-first.

My cat and my two grandsons' two goldfish: My cat has one eye, is ancient and just a bit thick, really. The goldfish similarly, except they each have two eyes and are both relatively young. In my opinion, humble though it may be, all three of them have a better grasp of how to deal with our recession and create jobs and growth than George Osborne does. However, I doubt they'd work well together, so I suppose it'll just have to be the cat on her own for the time being...

Chancellor of the Exchequer in waiting...?
Everyone breathe a collective sigh of relief
(except small birds, mice and voles)

SELF INDULGENCE? Yes, it is...and no apologies

Music lovers...

 

I've been posting here for well over a year with trash about government, the monarchy, religion and everything else that winds me up every day. So, just for a change, here's some stuff that makes me happy...my list of twenty of some of the greatest pieces of music ever written and performed since the Second World War:

 

Indulge me...or dump the post; it's up to you. But some of these just might be worth listening to. Click the song links, not the pics.

 

In no particular order, then:

The amazing Howlin' Wolf. I defy you not to at least tap that foot...

 

Smokestack Lightnin'

Billy Bragg's message is the same today as it was when he sang it in the 80s and when it was written in the 30s, even though we never seem to be 'between' wars these days, just 'during' them. Maybe Miliband's "One Nation" Labour Party could adopt it as an anthem?

 

Between The Wars

The purest 70s rock: Kossoff, Kirk, Rodgers & Fraser. Difficult to beat...

Free: Walk In My Shadow

Enjoying this so far? Stay with me, then....

Let's go continental next. If you're uncomfortable with how Germany is rising, you might like to arrest your Europhobia with a bit of imagination: This is "Vorsprung Durch Metall"! And if you don't know how to count to nine in German, then this is for you...

Rammstein: Sonne

And possibly the best blues song...if not that, then the best slider and the best (and only) albino brothers (with Edgar) ever to grace our stages and studios. Go, Johnny, go...

Johnny Winter: I Love Everybody

When Graham Nash left the Hollies, I was devastated...but then this happened...

CSNY: Carry On

Michael Stipe! Great songs and great angst... here's one of the best and much under-rated from REM:

Country Feedback

Still no Hip-Hop then? Neither will there be. R&B? Yes indeed...but the proper Rhythm (don't you love a word without proper vowels?) and Blues. Here's the main Van the man with another main man...the late Mr John Lee Hooker:

Gloria

Ever loved and lost? Wanted her/him back? Cry with Nina Simone....

Ne me quitte pas

Back to Rock'n'Roll...nineties style with the very talented Green Day. Just forget that Billie Joe Armstrong looks a little bit like Ant and/or Dec and you're home free, especially with their anthem...

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Back to the blues...OMG! Etta James!

AT LAST!

Hate 'em? Love 'em`? Doesn't matter. The Rolling Stones defined British rock'n'roll more than the Beatles ever did. Blasphemy? So kill me...

Gimme Shelter

And there were the brilliant covers too...Here's Melanie

Ruby Tuesday

Want to get wasted / depressed / into Shakespeare? You can rely on Radiohead...

Exit Music

OK, you can call it "Prog Rock" if you want to...but it isn't. It's just Pink Floyd. That's all it is. And it was great to see Gilmour and Waters sort of making-up back in 08. RIP Richard Wright...

(Un)Comfortably Numb

Unbelievable performance from Joe Cocker at Woodstock, '69.

With A Little Help From Mes Amis...



Too many to choose from where Metallica are concerned after twenty-five rocking years...so here's my favourite this week:

Unforgiven 2



Up against the wall, motherfuckers! Grace, Paul, Marty, Jack, Spencer & Jorma give us the quintessential Airplane sound from '69

We Can Be Together



Not that well-known, but Wolfstone are Celtic Rock giants. Here's a clip of stunning Scottish scenery as a background to the haunting, rocking 'Gillies'

Gillies



A great song for topers everywhere. OK, Joni Mitchell might reckon it's a "Love and lost" song but I think it's a boozing ballad.

A Case of You



And finally...

Allegorical? Deeply and philoshophically meaningful. Maybe...but also a great song and a great voice from Canadian Brad Roberts of the Crash Test Dummies...

God Shuffled His Feet

ED MILIBAND ISN'T AS USELESS AS I THOUGHT...



On 1 April this year I posted that Ed Miliband was useless.

Obviously, Ed read my blog and has spent the last six months working on his appearence, voice, personality, faith and political beliefs and the result was today's speech to the Labour Party conference. If he dumps the Tories on their collective arses in 2015, then the "One Nation" of the UK will have me to thank, and in no small measure. Well done then; me and Ed.
 

Careful not to be "Red Ed", he wore a purplish tie for his keynote speech. He arrived with his wife, talked a lot about his mum and even brought his old English teacher (Mr Dunn) from his comprehensive school, just in case nobody believed that he went to one. After about fifteen minutes, I kind of realised that Miliband wasn't going to do any Jimmy Savile jokes so that was another £10 wasted with BetFred. Eddie Izzard could hardly contain himself all the way through the sixty-five minutes of the noteless, flawless, walking-about address to conference and kept doing his own standing ovations every time Ed mentioned "One Nation" (43 times) or how utterly contemptible was the Tory "shower", who did everything on the back of an envelope.

Two Labour Pensioners and their long-suffering
carer at the Manchester Conference today

Ed loved the Tory-bashing bits, didn't he? Despite being predictable, the jibes were funny, well-delivered and, most importantly, well-received. We had the Grant Shapps false name: "...after all, if I was co-chair of the Tory Party, I'd want to do it under a false name, too..." We also had a passing reference to a chief whip that calls policemen plebs (denied - stand by for law suit?). But the best bit was all the millionaires about to get a cheque from David Cameron for £40,000 next April. OK, not strictly true as almost all of the three hundred thousand or more millionaires in the UK qualify as such through assets rather than the income that would drive such a tax windfall with the reduction of the higher rate to 45%. However, the killer point was that Cameron would be wirting himelf a cheque and there's simply no denying that one. And there was a lovely little dig at the farcical incompetence of the Prime Minister over the cabinet shuffle last month when Lord Hill (Minister of State in Gove's Education Department) attempted to resign at a meeting but Cameron didn't hear him and he was left in post. The economy was an easy target, so he went for it, finishing with the old chestnut "...if the medicine isn't working, you have to change the medicine..." and following that up with changing the doctor while he was on.

"Yeah..so I said to Cameron, 'you can stick this job
up your fucking arse, mate' and you know what? The
bastard just ignores me and I have to work with that
twat Gove for another two years...you couldn't
fucking make it up, could you?"

In brief, on policy matters, Ed will sort out the banks through legislation if they don't do it themselves, offering them the "easy way or the hard way", like some cop from The Sweeney. He will also deal with the "forgotten 50%" of young people that don't go to university - a bit patronising, that, I thought, not being a graduate myself. However, the Technical Baccalaureate seems promising and although he didn't use these actual words, it was clear that Ed thinks Michael Gove is a total fuckwit. After education came immigration and the outlawing of cheap labour from Eastern Europe and rounding-up and shooting of gangmasters (my pencil broke during that bit, so I may be paraphrasing). Alex Salmond will not be allowed to have his own country under Ed's watch, either. After all, there were no Scots cheering on Andy Murray or Chris Hoy during the Olympics because they were Scottish, now were there? Oh, no...they were cheering on Team GB! Maybe. Anyway, fuck off, Salmond, you can't have Scotland, said Ed (second pencil broke at that point so I'm just giving you the gist). And Ed will end the free-market in the NHS and repeal the Lansley / Hunt bill because...everyone join in now..."You can't trust the Tories with the N...H...S!" Well, it's true, you just can't; and that's a fact.

No you can't. Fuck off.

At one point, even Len McLuskey was seen to be smiling and clapping. The cameras couldn't find Mark Serwotka, who was probably either not there in the hall or was scowling at the back and plotting a general strike followed by a revolution. There wasn't really any good news for the unions or the public sector in general. It's "jobs before pay" and the puiblic sector has to sharpen itself up (like my pencils didn't) and only give contracts to private sector outfits that train properly and do apprenticeships. So back came a reference to "Producers not Predators" from last year's conference address but it played OK.

The "One Nation" theme seemed to resonate, despite (or maybe because of) it having been used by so many politicians over the years. Ed reminded us that Disraeli used it in 1882 at the Free Trade Hall in Manchester during a three hour speech and then there was Asquith, Attlee, Major, Blair even, and Cameron himself that have used it. But Ed's "One Nation" will be different. It will be based on Ed's "faith", which is not a religious faith but a "duty" to "leave the world a better place than he found it", and to "ease the struggles of others". Cameron, on the other hand, has created "Two Nations", one for his elite,  rich, privileged, privately educated chums and the other for the rest of us scum.

The Prime Minister hears about
the latest unemployment figures
after eating some lovely roast swan

Vox-pops after the speech were mostly positive. Ed's OK. Nine and a half out of ten. Possibly even a tiny bit prime-ministerial? Even Alastair Campbell tweeted support...

What was missing? Loads...but we're two and a half years away from the next general election so that's understandable. However, it would have been nice if Ed had gone along with my suggestions and tipped his hat to the Dissolution of the Monarchy, the Separation of Church and State, the Abolition of the House of Lords and a lifetime ban from television for Ant and/or Dec. Maybe next conference, then...

The Tories are in Birmingham next week. I think Cameron will have to stage something special to follow Miliband. And I never, not in a month of Sundays, thought I'd write that sentence.

"Phew! I think I got away with that, Justine..."
"Yeah, babe, fancy a quickie before the press scrum?"

VOTE
LABOUR

(IN 2015)

I know it's a long way off.

I'll do some reminders nearer

the time, then...eh?

ALTER EGOS: An Exclusive Revelation

Tory Party co-chairman, Grant Shapps, thinks it's "normal practice" to pretend to be somebody else.

In his case, he was Michael Green, an internet entrepreneur with a business "...worth £17m...", trying to hawk his HowToCorp business guides to stupid people that think they can get rich quick. For a measly $497, idiots could buy Shapps' guff that promised to earn them $1,000 a day. Shapps, masquerading as millionaire web guru Green, carried on this activity while serving as an MP and attending shadow cabinet as the Tories were in opposition a few years ago. He even attended a conference in the US and wore a "Michael Green" name badge.

"Hello, Mr Green..."
"Hello, Mr Cameron, would you like to buy some
shit that'll make you $20,000 in 20 days?"
"No thanks, Mr Green, I'm obscenely wealthy already."

How can this be "normal" practice? What possible reasons did Shapps have for not selling HowToCorp as himself? Let's speculate. Could it be that the guides were just bollocks and he didn't want his reputation damaged? Or perhaps he didn't want his constituents or his party knowing what he was doing in his spare time. Whatever the reason, how can any politician that hides his real identity while conducting business be trusted?

Curiously, the Director of Capital at Michael Gove's Education Funding Agency (who has been instructed to save 30% on school building expenditure by making schools 15% smaller) is called...Michael Green. Has anybody told Gove that Shapps is moonlighting at the quango? 

Using intensive and exhaustive research methods (makingshitup.com) I can reveal here, exclusively, the alter egos of other well-known people. These shocking revelations of double lives being lived by the great and the good will rock the Establishment...

David Cameron

While studying (smashing up restaurants) at Eton, Cameron became enthralled with the New Romantic movement. Inspired by Spandau Ballet, he formed a band called Buchenwald Ballroom with alumni Jacob Rees-Mogg and Hugh Fairly-Witlessballs. The band's one and only single, "Maggie, May: 1979" and the B-side, "Isn't Rotherham Shite and Full of Oiky Poor People?", rose up the charts without a trace in 1984. The BBs still perform to this day with Cameron on keyboards, Rees-Mogg on maracas and Witlessballs on the aga. They are available for weddings (royal) and funerals but, oddly enough, not bar-mitzvahs. Cameron's alter ego stage name is Simeon Le Mal, Rees-Mogg performs as Jake Le Peg and Witlessballs as Hugh A. Hoodie.

George Osborne

The Chancellor of the Exchequer is right up there with Shapps when it comes to wierd entrepreneurship. He has a little sideline called Walter's Wet Jobs. Posing as Walter Wee, you can hire Osborne to piss all over you and your mates from a great height. So, not much difference to the day job then.

Nick Clegg

When he's not being ignored by everyone, Nick gets his kicks as Alf the Apologist, cage-fighter extraordinaire. In seedy basement clubs in Tunbridge Wells and Guildford, Nick dons his gimp suit and attempts to kick the living shit out of all-comers. In his eighty-seven bouts he has won less then one. After each one, he makes a little video from his hospital bed apologising to punters for pledging to win and failing to do so...again. He was going to call himself Nicolas Cage but it seems there were image rights issues...

Piers Morgan

Morgan's alter ego has a real battle with the actual Morgan ego which, as we've all realised, is about the size of a super nova. As His Supreme Majesty, King Piers I, monarch of Morgania, the much- and rightly-maligned self publicist has invented a country all of his own in his tiny brain-space and he is the alternately benign and malignant ruler in order that his alter ego has an alter ego all of its own too. Morgania is populated exclsuively by celebrities whose life stories King Piers recounts to the delight of the rest.
 

Ant and/or Dec

The chirpy geordie dwarfs are well know for fronting totally shite TV for lots of money. What we didn't know was that for two weeks every year, the duo swap their wealth and stardom to front totally shite TV in the world's newest state, South Sudan. As Ony and/or Lan, the pair present the SSTV prime time quiz show, White or Black, where Sudanese viewers choose between things that are black and things that are white with prizes such as a pale of water and a grain of rice. Ony and Lan are Sudanese words for talentless and twat.

You couldn't make all of this up, could you? Well, you could, actually, because I just did....

WHO'S THE PLEB?

A bit harsh, but perhaps it's where Plebs belong

Just so that we're all clear about one of the abbreviated words "attributed to" but "not said" by the Coalition's Chief Whip, Andrew Mitchell to a police officer at the gates of Downing Street...

plebeian:

adj.

1. Of or relating to the common people of ancient Rome: a plebeian magistrate.

2. Of, belonging to, or characteristic of commoners.

3. Unrefined or coarse in nature or manner; common or vulgar: plebeian tastes.

n.

1. One of the common people of ancient Rome.

2. A member of the lower classes.

3. A vulgar or coarse person.

If we consider some of the other words "attributed to" Mitchell...

"Best you learn your fucking place...you don’t run this fucking government...You’re fucking plebs."

...then I would suggest that someone using these phrases would fall under definition 3. above; certainly relating to the noun and, arguably, the adjective, which further suggests that Mitchell himself is a plebeian. The police officers attending the gates were not behaving like plebeians at the time if the record from the notebooks are accurate and given the overall compensation packages for police officers these days, they could hardly be described as 'lower class'.

On the other hand, as they say, "...it takes one to know one..."

NEWS OF TEN (Things)

In a week when it's been easy to bury other news (good or bad), here are ten things that haven't had the coverage in the UK that perhaps they deserved. It's all here: Romney, Frackers, Tits, Baccalaureates, Useless Philosophers, Eugenics, First Aid, Badgers, Nigel Farage and Jesus

 

International - News from the USA

 

Phew! The rest of thew world can breathe their collective sighs of relief with the news that Mitt Romney is a totally useless, bigoted twat. To be fair, anyone that hadn't buried their head in a sand pit made by the Republican Tea Party knew that anyway. But now even the ultra-conservative, ultra-rich Republicans are having doubts that Romney was a good choice to face down Obama in November. All the US President has to do for the next few weeks is make sure he doesn't shag an intern and he can look forward to another four years believing he is the "Leader of the Free World".

 

The President of the United States of America
Really...he is!

Romney's naivety suggested to him that a private fund-raising dinner couldn't be hacked or infiltrated, so he decided to 'tell it like it is' to an audience of rich funders, explaining that half of americans were spongers that expected something for nothing. It was sort of Norman Tebbit on a massive dose of steroids. Romney then demonstrated a Bush-like grasp of world affairs and geography by opening up a non-existent border between a largely non-existent Palestine and Iran. If we think that the privileged, privately-educated, independently wealthy Cameron and Osborne are out of touch with the reality of living in the UK, then spare a thought for the ordinary american citizen that was faced with the prospect of a Romney presidency. Thankfully for them and the rest of the planet, that looks like it will never happen. It's a worrying old world when we realise that the Republicans would have been better off with Rick Santorum...

 

And in Texas, a shale-gas fracking business lost a seven-inch radioactive rod somewhere in the desert. It was there when the lorry left Pecos, but it wasn't there later on when it got to its destination, several hundred miles away. The rod, made of Americium 241 laced with Beryllium was in a box with a huge warning on it that would leave no-one but the thickest person in any doubt that it might be best to tell the authorities if it was found. However, the US Nuclear Regulatory Commission went into overdrive, telling everyone in Texas that the rod could "cause death" to a human being if he or she was in close proximity to it for eight weeks or, if he or she held it for eight hours. In any event, people were told to stay "at least eight meters away". I know that just over half of the american people (and about two-thirds of Texans) voted in George Bush (twice), but just how thick does the NRS think Texans are?

 

Typical Texan Idiot

International - France & Ireland

 

Closer Magazine and the Irish Daily Star published blurry pictures of some posh totty with her tits out. And everyone went mental. And everyone started showing photographs of some other posh totty that got killed in a car crash in Paris, presumably so we could all make the assumption that the French wanted to destroy all royals (again, after more than two hundred years) by either death or shame. Then we learn that the royals (that's the alive ones) were suing the French magazine or something by issuing writs from a pacific island where every woman has her tits out all the time. What the media failed to point out was that the alive royals were having another holiday at my expense. Free-loading bastards.

 

Home News - Education

 

Michael Gove is dumping GCSEs and bringing in the E-Baccalaureate. He is doing this presumably because the under-class have been passing exams in the last few years and are getting ideas above their stations in life, and that just isn't how he wants to do things in Dave's Britain. Gove also agreed (or was told) to take David Laws into his department so that the Liberal Democrat could take the flak and get sacked again, while agreeing with Nick (as everyone used to) that it might not have been wise to promise that university tuition fees would be removed / reduced / not increased - delete as appropriate to manifesto timings.

 

Grayling: If you gave this man £54,000, what would
he give in return - Discuss....

And on the subject of universities, the New College of the Humanities (NCHUM) has failed spectacularly to understand that there would be very very few people attracted to their courses at £54,000 over three years. Well there's a fucking surprise. The philosopher, AC Grayling, set up NCHUM this year in the mistaken belief that he and his elitist colleagues would simply have to put their names to a prospectus and the rich and privileged would send their offspring to his seat of learning in their droves. Well, they didn't...only sixty applicants have taken it up and of the several hundred that applied, most took offers from Oxbridge at half the cost. Of course they did. Having lined up such academic luminaries as Richard Dawkins and Howard Jacobson, Grayling was of the misguided opinion that that would be enough. For a philosopher, he didn't really think it through, did he?

 

Home News - Health

 

It was announced this week that some scientists have been experimenting with "Triple DNA" IVF. Genes from the two parents are being mixed in a soup with some other DNA that might halt congenitive defects being passed on...or something like that. What might appear, on the face of it, as a potentially good idea is, in fact, just Frankenstein eugenics. Stop this madness now!

 

It seems that 140,000 deaths in the UK each year could be prevented if everyone knew basic first aid. Conveniently for the headline writers, 140,000 is about the same number that succumb to cancer annually. It seems that only 18% of us know any life-saving skills. I was suprised it was that many. Knowing how to apply CPR, use a defibralator or do the Heimlich maneouvre is one thing but putting it into practice is another entirely. Doubtless the homeopathy fan and Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt, will introduce compulsory life-saving classes for everyone in the mistaken belief that this will result in massive savings to the NHS when in reality it would add to the bill as health workers repair the havoc wreaked by amateur A&E practitioners.

 

Home News - Environment

 

Former Queen guitarist and astrophysicist, Brian May, has got all angry about DEFRA's authorisation of pilot schemes for a badger cull that started this week. Badgers will be shot by trained marksmen. He has threatened to support animal rights activists in direct action. Presumably this will involve May stalking the marksmen playing "Death on Two Legs" and then "Another One Bites the Dust" when each badger dies. The arguments on each side are so polarised as to make Sarah Palin's objections to Ahmedinajad's policies look close to agreement. How can one lobby be so wrong and the other so right? And we all know that there wouldn't be such a hue and cry if it had been rats that were the alleged culprits in the spreading of Bovine TB. As in all things anthropomorphic, I blame Kenneth Grahame...

 

"Who wants to live forever...?"

Home News - Politics

 

Everyone's favourite Euro-bater Nigel Farage, is hoping to attract millions of pounds to the UKIP coffers from former Tory donors that are pissed off with Cameron. Having successfully persuaded some of the electorate and a good slice of politcial commentators that UKIP is not a far-right loony party, the next and inevitable step in his being taken seriously is the attraction of significant donations. We used to think that Farage and UKIP were shouting from the sidelines and had no chance of getting anywhere near government. But we used to say that about the Liberal Democrats too, didn't we? Watch this space...

 

World News - Religion

 

Some divinity academic called Karen King has unearthed a papyrus from the fourth century CE that refers to Jesus "talking" about his wife. Cue experts giving their opinions on the authenticity of the tract and on the language of the time, that might call the assertion into doubt or confirm it, depending on their own agendas. Among these, was a commentary from  Jim West, a professor and Baptist pastor from Tennessee, who said, “A statement on a papyrus fragment isn’t proof of anything. It’s nothing more than a statement in thin air, without substantial context.”

 

So that's the bible fucked then, Jim....

 

Jesus and his missus:
What happened next?
Answers on a post card, please, to:
Prof. R Dawkins, New College
of the Humanities, London

 

Dorries: "KILL CAMERON..." It's Conference Open Season!

Of course, Nadine Dorries' rallying cry to "KIll Cameron" was entirely metaphorical. She qualified her commentary on the launch of the Fox / Davies vehicle "Conservative Voice", by confirming that her intention is to "...kill Cameronism...". She's not lining up with Liam Fox and  David Davis, either, as she claims that what is needed is a "strategy" to deal with Cameron, rather than just a "voice".

In the lead up to the conference season, new Chief Whip, Andrew "Thrasher" Mitchell has his work cut out to get the likes of Dorries to toe the party line; which she won't. Neither will Fox or Davis, as all three of them and many others besides are beginning to believe that Cameron will not survive as party leader until the next general election and fancy themselves as the next PM. Another of the whips, new boy Jo Johnson, might also be well-advised to have a word with his brother Boris about the London Mayor's plans to deliver the keynote address for Conservative Home fringe meeting the night before Dave's to the main conference at the ICC Birmingham. Tim Montgomerie, the creator of Conservative Home, one-time chief of staff for Iain Duncan Smith and founder of the Conservative Christian Fellowship is not a Cameron fan. He's a Boris fan, as is Dorries (for the time being).

Spot the difference....?
No, neither did I....

The conference fringe event being hosted by Conservative Home will focus on Boris and his "Olympotastic" summer. Yes...that word is actually being used by Montgomerie to promote it. It's a new word that may yet get included in the OED, as did "amazeballs" this year. Oh, dear. Anyway, the olympotatstic event is likely to be amazeballs and receive more media attention than the dull Dave's recessionastic miseryballs address scheduled for the following day. And just to demonstrate how bang up-to-date Conservative Home is, it's current leading articles feature John Major's opinions and Norman Lamont "...busting some myths about the ERM...". How current.

With Boris's star in the ascendant, Fox, Davis and all of the other wannabe leaders might as well pack up. The Fourth Column has already looked into a future of  Boris's Britain , and it isn't pretty. Cameron doesn't appear to have released any attack dogs on the simmering Boris campaign but it's probably too early to do so while Johnson rides the olympotastic wave. An opportunity did come up in the last few days, however. After the chilling revelations over Hillsborough, I was suprised not to see many references to Johnson's editorial in the Spectator from 2004 labelling Liverpudlians in general as people who preferred to wallow in grief and the football fans in 1989 as drunks that were instrumental in the disaster. Johnson has apologised (again) but in the midst of so many other apologies from public figures that it made little difference and no headlines. Hardly anybody buys The Sun in Liverpool and a similar number are likely to vote for a Boris-led Tory party but I doubt that will perturb the man any. Johnson appears indestructable.

The only thing Dave can do is to explain, carefully, that being mayor of London, fronting the olympic shows, being a jolly good chap and speaking latin fluently are not qualifiers for the role of Prime Minister. But Dave might as well be pissing in the wind. The Boris juggernaut is only just revving up, and it will crush Cameron under its wheels come 2013. And Dave cannot rely on his chief policies providing the electorate with a  viable alternative to Borisism. Hunt will simply continue where Lansley left off (plus compulsory homeopathy for all), Gove is determined to take us all back to to the 1960s and whilst IDS's Universal Credit is probably a very good idea, it's almost impossible to implement in the face of facile criticisms from the left and is not scheduled to roll out until 2017 anyway. On top of that, Osborne's mismanagement of economic recovery has been total.

With the Liberal Democrats dead in the water, that just leaves us with Labour to stop Boris becoming PM (the small matter of him not being an MP will be resolved by Zac Goldsmith or some other sap giving up their seat for him). So what do the Eds have to offer after more than two years in Opposition? Not much. Tory bungling, u-turns and wonky policies have offered so many opportunities for Miliband to savage the right...and as many have been eschewed by him. Why?

OK, maybe Miliband isn't as useless as I used to think to but if he's biding his time before striking then he'd better do it soon. Cameron is vulnerable. The Tory conference doesn't look like an opportunity for him to recover significant ground either, at least not while he continues to give Osborne the keys to the safe. But if Cameron falters critically and Johnson weighs in, Ed will have little chance of victory over the Tories in 2015 before Johnson is found out for the lightweight he is. It's all about timing, now...

One day, Dave...all of this will be mine.
Tomorrow, with a bit of luck...

THAT CABINET (RE)SHUFFLE - IN PICTURES!

Dave has rewarded and punished his Coalition Cabinet. Here, in the Fourth Column, are the real reasons why the shuffle happened in the way that it did

And it's IN PICTURES!

 

KEPT!
Danny Alexander keeps his job as Chief Secretary to
The Treasury because he ticks all the diversity boxes:
1) Once had a real job. 2) Ginger. 3) Foreign (after 2014).
4) Quite intelligent. 5) Muppet.

GONE!
Clarke has fallen asleep during PMQs
on no less than one hundred and thirty-two
occasions, including once when he was
deputising for the PM. The Lords beckons...

KEPT!
Eric Pickles' position as Communities Minister was
secured once Cameron discovered various communities
living in Eric's navel and under his fourth chin. The
gypsies that were found in his arse-crack were deported -
all three hundred and thirty of them.

 

RETAINED!
This young chap kept his job as Foreign Secretary,
and will be working on new wars with his mum...

LEADER of the HOUSE of LORDS!
James Corden takes over from Lord Strathclyde...possibly

 

NEW!
Jo Johnson has been appointed to the Whips' Office.
Cameron will introduce legislation in the next session
outlawing brothers serving in the same Government.

KEPT!
Cameron likes to wear hats, but has 'felt' unable to
do so for fear of media piss-taking. Cable has been
retained in Cabinet as the "Hat Decoy".

THROWN OUT!
Although Cameron likes everyone to be
much smaller than him, it was decided that
Warsi was, on balance, just too tiny.
And a woman. And a Muslim. And just a
bit crap at interviews. And from Yorkshire.
She had to go.

 

NO LONGER IN  THE PINK!
Justine Greening is taken out of the Department for Tranport
and demoted to Cabinet barrista. "Double skinny machiato for
Dave and an espresso with a double shot of blood for Ollie
...there's a good girl...chop chop!"

GRAYLING!
This is the only pic of the new Justice Secretary
without his human disguise.
Be afraid...be very afraid...

WHATEVER...
Someone you've never heard of took over from someone
else you've never heard of at a government department
you don't really care about....

RETAINED!
Ollie Letwin stays on as Minister of State for the Cabinet
Office with the added portfolio as "Head of Tory Salutes"
(Here he is demonstrating his first attempt...)

FUTURE PM?
As new co-chair of the Tory Party, Grant Shapps
considers how best to approach fund-raising, with
particular regard to access to David Cameron

AAAAAARGH!
Gove was able to celebrate retaining his position as Secretary
of State for Education, despite his being a complete twat...
 

NEW JOB!
Theresa Masy turns up for her first day in her
new job; keeping us all safe from Islamists and
US Teapartyists...

CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER
Mr R Madillum-Vulgare was selected by Dave to
take over at the Treasury as he was deemed to have
significantly more brain cells, better manners and
infinitely greater voter credibility than the previous
incumbent. Good choice all round then...

 

HEALTH WARNING!
Jeremy Hunt was given the Health brief in the hope that
he will eagerly take responsibility for the collapse of the
NHS in the same way he did for the success of the Olympics.

 

And, of course...

A VERY SPECIAL JOB...

"You see, er, Nick, isn't it? There are
all these lawns to cut and the roses to
look after. How about £7.25 an hour...
will that do? Plus some overalls and
some wellies, of course"