ONE NATION, ONE NOTION, ONE ASPIRATION

The conference season is over (apart from the SNP, next week).

What have we learned?

These are the key messages to the electorate from the Coalition Parties and those in Opposition:

CONSERVATIVES (BIRMINGHAM):

1) Kill burglars with your bare hands, or knives, or guns, or hammers

2) Do everything from now on in the same that way we did the Olympics (and Paralympics)

3) Give rich people more money

4) Build a new airport

5) Sack the Chief Whip / Elect Boris Johnson as party leader (eventually)

7) Osborne can't count

Cameron closed the Tory conference with a speech in which he praised the following people:

a) Boris Johnson for, well, being Boris Johnson and for not sticking the knife in too far when entertaining the troops the previous day at conference.
b) The Armed Forces for their work in illegal wars and saving the Olympic Games from a potential disaster brought about by the CEO of G4S (the smaller one of the Chuckle Brothers)
c) The Queen for being just lovely and smashing and "...the best Head of State in the World..." (cue standing ovation)
d) Theresa May for buying Abu Hamza's plane ticket
e) Michael Gove for creating hundreds of little Etons on sink estates
f) His father for being a legless, hard-working alcoholic (I think that's what he said)
g) John Major for running away from the circus to be an accountant
h) Justine Greening for inocculating 130,000 African children during the course of the conference
i) Himself, for vetoeing a European Treaty that was passed anyway
j) Everyone that had anything at all to do with making London 2012 so brilliant but especially Ellie Simmonds for letting him give her a medal
k) IDS for doing really complicated sums to do with pensions
l) George Osborne for something to do with the deficit, and doing it with 'grit'.
m) Ken Livingstone...for the purpsoes of making a cheap joke

There were notable ommissions. There was no mention of his coalition partners, the Liberal Democrats. Neither was there any praise (faint, damning or otherwise) for either of the party's enforcers, Andrew Mitchell and Michael Green...sorry...Grant Shapps, both of whom are likely to be collecting their P45s shortly. And, for the first time I can remember, a party leader's address to conference did not menntion the police. Perhaps that's because they're plebs.

Pleb Welcoming Committee at Downing Street
 for the Chief Whip...

Cameron admitted that his back-story was not a 'hard luck' one, and he told us that he was "...not here to defend privilege, but to spread it..." So privilege will no longer be the preserve of the rich, but just a preserve, to be spread liberally. What with Labour promising that "...working class parents can have middle class children..." and the Tories spreading privilege around like so much jam (tomorrow), the promises of egalitarianism from all of our politcians are as impossible to deliver as peace in the Middle East.

Then there were some people for whom Cameron reserved nothing but opprobrium:

"Slackers": In Gove's brave new world of free schools and academies, there will be no room for slackers. If you don't wear the unforms, submit to discipline and become fluent in Latin by age six, then you'll be to blame for the failure of this Aspiration Nation. Slackers will become fags, have their arse-cracks used as muffin-toasters and be forced to scrub the quad clean with toothbrushes, probably.

The "Yes But No" people: These callous, more-than-my-job's-worth arseholes are ruining Britain and stopping its rise. Bureacratic nimbys...that's what they are and they will be stopped and replaced with "Yes" people!

Alex Salmond: Cameron told the conference that he was going to see Salmond on 15 Oct to sort out the referendum on Scottish independence and to tell the Little Scotlander how silly he was being, trying to tear up the 1707 Act of Union and create two nations instead of the "One Nation" that both Cameron and Miliband want to govern.

To be fair to the Tories, the conference messages were, in the end, quite clear:

• The Queen is lovely
• The Olympics were lovely too...
• ...And the country is great...indeed, it's the "greatest country in the world"
• If you want everything to stay lovely and great then vote Tory 

Boris:"If you don't stand aside and let me be the leader,
I'll rip your heart out with a silver spoon..."

Dave: "Coleus! Velim caput tuum devellere deinde in
confinium gulae cacare..."

LABOUR (MANCHESTER):

1) Ed Miliband can speak for over an hour without notes (or policies), and is very happy in his geeky, state-educated skin.

2) Tories are all rich bastards that line their own pockets with money stolen from pensioners and they get richer because Dave writes them all cheques, personally.

3) Only Labour can save / keep / protect the NHS

4) Ed Balls is a bit cuddlier than he used to be (but only a little bit, and let's remember what the start point was, to be fair) and is convinced that we can borrow our way out of austerity

5) Er...

The conference of the party of opposition is always going to be different from that of the party of power. Ed Miliband had one mission for Manchester and that was to place himself firmly at the head of his party and he achieved that, along with rattling the coalition, slightly. The next two years are critical for Labour if they are gain a majority in 2015.

The Eds - Keeping bromance alive

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS (Somewhere else...can't remember now):

1) Make apologetic videos

2) Organise smaller venue for the 2015 conference to accommodate their MPs. One hotel room should just about do it...and one taxi for the delegates.

UKIP (Also in Birmingham):

1) We're all mad and we don't care...doo-da...doo-da / The French all smell and dye their hair...doo-da...doo-da / The Germans want to be in charge...doo-da...doo-da / To stop them, vote for Nige Farage...doo-da, doo-da, day!

2) Repeat No. 1, ad nauseam...

Nigel Farage empties the European Parliament...again



Just Shut Up, Will You...? Ten People That Should Stop Talking

Some people just don't know when to shut the fuck up, do they? Here are ten examples of those that should button it for now...

1) Everyone that has anything to say in public about Jimmy-bloody-Savile. And that includes me. Leave it to the police.

2) Harriet Harperson: Nobody is interested in anything she has to say any more so she should stop saying anything. She's one of the last hangovers from the Blairites and we've all moved on; especially the Eds. Miliband Jnr will have to realise soon enough that Harman is now excess baggage and find himself a more appropriate "One Nationer" deputy leader. My suggestion would be Andy Burnham. He was, regrettably, Chief Secretary to the Treasury under misery-guts 'Prudence' Broon but I firmly believe that everyone is allowed one mistake in cabinet (apart from Gove, Osborne and Hunt, of course). Burnham's OK. He's bright, articulate and quite often answers hacks' questions with 'Yes' and 'No', which is refreshing. Thanks for everything Harriet (and there was some OK stuff, to be fair)...but ta-ra. Oh, and could you possible take Dromey away with you?

...One ResigNation?

3) John Terry / Ashley Cole / The FA / Mark Lawrenson: Who gives a toss? Over-paid wankers, most of whom have unfeasibly single-digit IQs, kick a ball about and swear at eachother. It really isn't a story, but the media just love it, don't they? Especially when one of the protagonists opens his gob (or, god help us, tweets) without an "advisor"present, and we can then see how utterly thick they are. I can almost forgive stupid people for behaving stupidly...that's what they do, but when the supposedly "qualified" spokesmen for the game weigh in with such crass commentaries as those spouted by Bernstein and his cronies at the FA it makes my heart sink. What's worse? The pundits. I am no more interested in what Lawrenson has to say about anything than I am in Paul Gambaccini's "I told you so" bollocks about Savile. Just shut the fuck up, stop tweeting, and play the game (which was beautiful, once, but now is a travesty of increasingly shabby proportions).

4) Andrew Marr: What makes Andrew Marr think that he's risen so high in the estimation of either his peers or the general public that he should be the one to go on prime time TV and give us his summation of the "History of the World"? I'm OK with Brian Cox covering the much grander scale of the History of the Universe, largely because he's a Professor of Astro-Physics and knows some shit. The only qualification that I can see Marr having for the monumental task of describing the history of the world is that he lives on it. Besides, Marr's programme is not the "History of the World" at all. If anything, it's a piece on the the history of humans and nothing could ever top Jacob Bronowski's "The Ascent of Man". Like many of these series commissioned by the BBC - such as Flanders' thing about the history of modern economics - the camera spends most its time filming the presenter walking about  and, in the case of Marr's rubbish, that means endless footage of him bestriding the globe like the intellectual colossus that he isn't. A much better commission from the BBC would have been "Andrew Marr's History of the Pomposity of Superinjunctions". But I wouldn't watch that, either. Just another jumped-up hack that should shut up. If the BBC wanted to improve on Bronowski, then maybe they should have used someone with more gravitas and moral authority than Marr...for example, Ricky Gervaise or Ant and/or Dec or Russell fucking Brand?

 

Bronowski - Genius

5) Richard Branson: Everybody loves Sir Richard, don't they? He's a sort of Boris Johnson of commerce and, had he not shut up, then the lunacy of the Department of Transport's procurement processes might not have been exposed. So, well done Richard Branson? Not really. All that happens now is that we'll wade into the treacle of rail franchises again only this time under such public scrutiny that it will be impossible for any of the franchises to be awarded because everybody will suddenly be a fucking expert on rail franchises and, after that, NHS procurement, defence contracts and all the rest. The Civil Service wheels will grind even more slowly to make their motion almost imperceptible. The only answer on rail is re-nationalisation. There are plenty of commentators that (quite rightly) point to the mess that British Rail got into in the 60s and 70s but that was forty years ago. Things have moved on. We could really do this sort of thing now...and probably for less money. And not just transport, either. There's the NHS to take back properly, and all of the untilities. So thanks for pointing out the deficiencies in Whitehall procurement, Richard, but now can you please shut up and go and sell some music. You were really good at that, once.

6) Jeremy Hunt: Apparently, the new Health Secretary is a "lovely bloke" and we should respect him because he's "extremely popular" within the Tory Party. That's like saying that Hitler went down really well with racist fascists in 1930s Germany. Hunt, the MP for Farnham and formerly the "Minister for Murdoch", obviously thinks it's about time he said something related to public health matters as this is now, unbelieveably, his brief in cabinet. And upon what issue has he chosen to opine? Abortion. A pretty toxic subject at the best of times. Hunt believes that there should be no abortions after twelve weeks. Of the 200,000 or so preganancy terminations a year in England & Wales, around ten per cent occur after twelve weeks and almost all of those are as a result of tests that cannot be undertaken earlier, but reveal congenital defects in the foetus or agonising disabilities that would lead to a lifetime of care. So, the Secretary of State for Health thinks it's better that we add another £1bn a year to the care budget. Leave things alone, Hunt. It's not perfect...I know, but informed, tragically difficult decisions are taken by the right people under the current legislation - two doctors and, critically, the parent(s). Hunt - a believer in homeopathy - will probably suggest next that all medicines be watered down to nothing and supplied to the NHS by that other loony homeopath, the Prince of Wales. Just shut up, Hunt.

Hunt takes over at Health...Abort! Abort! Abort!

7) Abu Hamza's Legal Team: Game over, everyone. The crazy cleric is now stateside and let that be an end to it. After several years and several millions of pounds spent (and trousered by lawyers), the common sense that should have prevailed has finally been nodded through by what seems like every bloody judge in the UK, Europe and beyond. I'm delighted that the US judiciary will be dealing with Hamza as the alternative would have been several cripplingly expensive show-trials-by-media over the succeeding years through our own courts. Now it's time for everyone just to shut up about it all. We don't care any more.

8) The Prince of Wales: How come HRH gets to say anything about legislation? The Duchy of Cornwall is given access to (and the right to comment on) parliamentary bills on such diverse areas as energy, building programmes, infrastructure plans and anything under DEFRA's portfolio. And we're not allowed to know what the prince has had to say and how far it may have influenced government. This might also be true of shady characters in big business but in the case of the prince we know for certain it's going on but not what is said. On top of that, there's the other undemocratically positioned law-givers like the twenty-six Lords Spiritual. If Charlie ever becomes King, then him and his bishop pals will be running their own fiefdom before you can say antidisestablishmentarianism, or possibly, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, as they might say in his principality. The whole fucking lot of them should just shut the fuck up...

HRH: "Hello...I'd ask if 'you've come far' or 'what you do',
but I can see it's probably from Virginia...and how are
things on the plantation...and how's your massa, boy?
POTUS: "Michelle's so gonna kick your white ass, man...

9) Alex Salmond: I wish he'd just give it a bloody rest. A couple of years back there was a modest swell in the sea of opinions that suggested that the people of Scotland might want a degree of independence from the UK over and above what they already have at Holyrood which, to be fair, is quite a lot. Some serious people are now doing some serious numbers and the Auditor General, Robert Black, is casting significant doubts over whether Scotland's range of free public services is affordable, even in the short term (next week). Sturgeon is rabidly defending Holyrood's stance whereas Salmond has been curiously quiet...maybe even shutting up about independence before I asked him to. Wise man. Incidentally, this has nothing to with the fact that I can see Scotland from my window.

Scotland's First Minister meets
someone with double his own charisma

10) Nick Clegg: Stop apologising and just piss off. Nobody believes you (or in you) any more.

That'll do for now on people that should shut up. Here's a few that we could do with hearing some more from...

Mitt Romney: OK, Obama was a bit off colour in the first TV debate but, generally, every time Romney speaks, he alienates more voters. So he should keep talking...

David Cameron, Michael Gove, and Andrew Mitchell: Same applies as with Romney only without the TV debates. At the same time, we could do with loads more from Jacob Rees-Mogg. When he appears on television and speaks about anything at all it's like the Labour Party getting a free, unauthorised Party Election Broadcast!

Polly Toynbee: I was seriously worried about Polly for a while after Cameron got in. She seemed to take a little holiday at the Bide-a-wee Home for Distressed Lefties. But now that there's a small puff of breeze in Labour's sails again, she's back on form. Rubbisher even let her on the front page of the Grauniad the other day. Go, Polly! One Nation needs your sage advice (now that you're giving it again).

Eric Hobsbawn: OK, he's dead now but he has the opportunity to speak from beyond the grave. I know we haven't seen the whole of Marr's trashy series but I'll bet there's no mention of Hobsbawn when it come to nineteenth and twentieth century history of the world. We could learn a thing or two from Hobsbawn on how to go about things in the twenty-first.

My cat and my two grandsons' two goldfish: My cat has one eye, is ancient and just a bit thick, really. The goldfish similarly, except they each have two eyes and are both relatively young. In my opinion, humble though it may be, all three of them have a better grasp of how to deal with our recession and create jobs and growth than George Osborne does. However, I doubt they'd work well together, so I suppose it'll just have to be the cat on her own for the time being...

Chancellor of the Exchequer in waiting...?
Everyone breathe a collective sigh of relief
(except small birds, mice and voles)

SELF INDULGENCE? Yes, it is...and no apologies

Music lovers...

 

I've been posting here for well over a year with trash about government, the monarchy, religion and everything else that winds me up every day. So, just for a change, here's some stuff that makes me happy...my list of twenty of some of the greatest pieces of music ever written and performed since the Second World War:

 

Indulge me...or dump the post; it's up to you. But some of these just might be worth listening to. Click the song links, not the pics.

 

In no particular order, then:

The amazing Howlin' Wolf. I defy you not to at least tap that foot...

 

Smokestack Lightnin'

Billy Bragg's message is the same today as it was when he sang it in the 80s and when it was written in the 30s, even though we never seem to be 'between' wars these days, just 'during' them. Maybe Miliband's "One Nation" Labour Party could adopt it as an anthem?

 

Between The Wars

The purest 70s rock: Kossoff, Kirk, Rodgers & Fraser. Difficult to beat...

Free: Walk In My Shadow

Enjoying this so far? Stay with me, then....

Let's go continental next. If you're uncomfortable with how Germany is rising, you might like to arrest your Europhobia with a bit of imagination: This is "Vorsprung Durch Metall"! And if you don't know how to count to nine in German, then this is for you...

Rammstein: Sonne

And possibly the best blues song...if not that, then the best slider and the best (and only) albino brothers (with Edgar) ever to grace our stages and studios. Go, Johnny, go...

Johnny Winter: I Love Everybody

When Graham Nash left the Hollies, I was devastated...but then this happened...

CSNY: Carry On

Michael Stipe! Great songs and great angst... here's one of the best and much under-rated from REM:

Country Feedback

Still no Hip-Hop then? Neither will there be. R&B? Yes indeed...but the proper Rhythm (don't you love a word without proper vowels?) and Blues. Here's the main Van the man with another main man...the late Mr John Lee Hooker:

Gloria

Ever loved and lost? Wanted her/him back? Cry with Nina Simone....

Ne me quitte pas

Back to Rock'n'Roll...nineties style with the very talented Green Day. Just forget that Billie Joe Armstrong looks a little bit like Ant and/or Dec and you're home free, especially with their anthem...

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Back to the blues...OMG! Etta James!

AT LAST!

Hate 'em? Love 'em`? Doesn't matter. The Rolling Stones defined British rock'n'roll more than the Beatles ever did. Blasphemy? So kill me...

Gimme Shelter

And there were the brilliant covers too...Here's Melanie

Ruby Tuesday

Want to get wasted / depressed / into Shakespeare? You can rely on Radiohead...

Exit Music

OK, you can call it "Prog Rock" if you want to...but it isn't. It's just Pink Floyd. That's all it is. And it was great to see Gilmour and Waters sort of making-up back in 08. RIP Richard Wright...

(Un)Comfortably Numb

Unbelievable performance from Joe Cocker at Woodstock, '69.

With A Little Help From Mes Amis...



Too many to choose from where Metallica are concerned after twenty-five rocking years...so here's my favourite this week:

Unforgiven 2



Up against the wall, motherfuckers! Grace, Paul, Marty, Jack, Spencer & Jorma give us the quintessential Airplane sound from '69

We Can Be Together



Not that well-known, but Wolfstone are Celtic Rock giants. Here's a clip of stunning Scottish scenery as a background to the haunting, rocking 'Gillies'

Gillies



A great song for topers everywhere. OK, Joni Mitchell might reckon it's a "Love and lost" song but I think it's a boozing ballad.

A Case of You



And finally...

Allegorical? Deeply and philoshophically meaningful. Maybe...but also a great song and a great voice from Canadian Brad Roberts of the Crash Test Dummies...

God Shuffled His Feet

ED MILIBAND ISN'T AS USELESS AS I THOUGHT...



On 1 April this year I posted that Ed Miliband was useless.

Obviously, Ed read my blog and has spent the last six months working on his appearence, voice, personality, faith and political beliefs and the result was today's speech to the Labour Party conference. If he dumps the Tories on their collective arses in 2015, then the "One Nation" of the UK will have me to thank, and in no small measure. Well done then; me and Ed.
 

Careful not to be "Red Ed", he wore a purplish tie for his keynote speech. He arrived with his wife, talked a lot about his mum and even brought his old English teacher (Mr Dunn) from his comprehensive school, just in case nobody believed that he went to one. After about fifteen minutes, I kind of realised that Miliband wasn't going to do any Jimmy Savile jokes so that was another £10 wasted with BetFred. Eddie Izzard could hardly contain himself all the way through the sixty-five minutes of the noteless, flawless, walking-about address to conference and kept doing his own standing ovations every time Ed mentioned "One Nation" (43 times) or how utterly contemptible was the Tory "shower", who did everything on the back of an envelope.

Two Labour Pensioners and their long-suffering
carer at the Manchester Conference today

Ed loved the Tory-bashing bits, didn't he? Despite being predictable, the jibes were funny, well-delivered and, most importantly, well-received. We had the Grant Shapps false name: "...after all, if I was co-chair of the Tory Party, I'd want to do it under a false name, too..." We also had a passing reference to a chief whip that calls policemen plebs (denied - stand by for law suit?). But the best bit was all the millionaires about to get a cheque from David Cameron for £40,000 next April. OK, not strictly true as almost all of the three hundred thousand or more millionaires in the UK qualify as such through assets rather than the income that would drive such a tax windfall with the reduction of the higher rate to 45%. However, the killer point was that Cameron would be wirting himelf a cheque and there's simply no denying that one. And there was a lovely little dig at the farcical incompetence of the Prime Minister over the cabinet shuffle last month when Lord Hill (Minister of State in Gove's Education Department) attempted to resign at a meeting but Cameron didn't hear him and he was left in post. The economy was an easy target, so he went for it, finishing with the old chestnut "...if the medicine isn't working, you have to change the medicine..." and following that up with changing the doctor while he was on.

"Yeah..so I said to Cameron, 'you can stick this job
up your fucking arse, mate' and you know what? The
bastard just ignores me and I have to work with that
twat Gove for another two years...you couldn't
fucking make it up, could you?"

In brief, on policy matters, Ed will sort out the banks through legislation if they don't do it themselves, offering them the "easy way or the hard way", like some cop from The Sweeney. He will also deal with the "forgotten 50%" of young people that don't go to university - a bit patronising, that, I thought, not being a graduate myself. However, the Technical Baccalaureate seems promising and although he didn't use these actual words, it was clear that Ed thinks Michael Gove is a total fuckwit. After education came immigration and the outlawing of cheap labour from Eastern Europe and rounding-up and shooting of gangmasters (my pencil broke during that bit, so I may be paraphrasing). Alex Salmond will not be allowed to have his own country under Ed's watch, either. After all, there were no Scots cheering on Andy Murray or Chris Hoy during the Olympics because they were Scottish, now were there? Oh, no...they were cheering on Team GB! Maybe. Anyway, fuck off, Salmond, you can't have Scotland, said Ed (second pencil broke at that point so I'm just giving you the gist). And Ed will end the free-market in the NHS and repeal the Lansley / Hunt bill because...everyone join in now..."You can't trust the Tories with the N...H...S!" Well, it's true, you just can't; and that's a fact.

No you can't. Fuck off.

At one point, even Len McLuskey was seen to be smiling and clapping. The cameras couldn't find Mark Serwotka, who was probably either not there in the hall or was scowling at the back and plotting a general strike followed by a revolution. There wasn't really any good news for the unions or the public sector in general. It's "jobs before pay" and the puiblic sector has to sharpen itself up (like my pencils didn't) and only give contracts to private sector outfits that train properly and do apprenticeships. So back came a reference to "Producers not Predators" from last year's conference address but it played OK.

The "One Nation" theme seemed to resonate, despite (or maybe because of) it having been used by so many politicians over the years. Ed reminded us that Disraeli used it in 1882 at the Free Trade Hall in Manchester during a three hour speech and then there was Asquith, Attlee, Major, Blair even, and Cameron himself that have used it. But Ed's "One Nation" will be different. It will be based on Ed's "faith", which is not a religious faith but a "duty" to "leave the world a better place than he found it", and to "ease the struggles of others". Cameron, on the other hand, has created "Two Nations", one for his elite,  rich, privileged, privately educated chums and the other for the rest of us scum.

The Prime Minister hears about
the latest unemployment figures
after eating some lovely roast swan

Vox-pops after the speech were mostly positive. Ed's OK. Nine and a half out of ten. Possibly even a tiny bit prime-ministerial? Even Alastair Campbell tweeted support...

What was missing? Loads...but we're two and a half years away from the next general election so that's understandable. However, it would have been nice if Ed had gone along with my suggestions and tipped his hat to the Dissolution of the Monarchy, the Separation of Church and State, the Abolition of the House of Lords and a lifetime ban from television for Ant and/or Dec. Maybe next conference, then...

The Tories are in Birmingham next week. I think Cameron will have to stage something special to follow Miliband. And I never, not in a month of Sundays, thought I'd write that sentence.

"Phew! I think I got away with that, Justine..."
"Yeah, babe, fancy a quickie before the press scrum?"

VOTE
LABOUR

(IN 2015)

I know it's a long way off.

I'll do some reminders nearer

the time, then...eh?

ALTER EGOS: An Exclusive Revelation

Tory Party co-chairman, Grant Shapps, thinks it's "normal practice" to pretend to be somebody else.

In his case, he was Michael Green, an internet entrepreneur with a business "...worth £17m...", trying to hawk his HowToCorp business guides to stupid people that think they can get rich quick. For a measly $497, idiots could buy Shapps' guff that promised to earn them $1,000 a day. Shapps, masquerading as millionaire web guru Green, carried on this activity while serving as an MP and attending shadow cabinet as the Tories were in opposition a few years ago. He even attended a conference in the US and wore a "Michael Green" name badge.

"Hello, Mr Green..."
"Hello, Mr Cameron, would you like to buy some
shit that'll make you $20,000 in 20 days?"
"No thanks, Mr Green, I'm obscenely wealthy already."

How can this be "normal" practice? What possible reasons did Shapps have for not selling HowToCorp as himself? Let's speculate. Could it be that the guides were just bollocks and he didn't want his reputation damaged? Or perhaps he didn't want his constituents or his party knowing what he was doing in his spare time. Whatever the reason, how can any politician that hides his real identity while conducting business be trusted?

Curiously, the Director of Capital at Michael Gove's Education Funding Agency (who has been instructed to save 30% on school building expenditure by making schools 15% smaller) is called...Michael Green. Has anybody told Gove that Shapps is moonlighting at the quango? 

Using intensive and exhaustive research methods (makingshitup.com) I can reveal here, exclusively, the alter egos of other well-known people. These shocking revelations of double lives being lived by the great and the good will rock the Establishment...

David Cameron

While studying (smashing up restaurants) at Eton, Cameron became enthralled with the New Romantic movement. Inspired by Spandau Ballet, he formed a band called Buchenwald Ballroom with alumni Jacob Rees-Mogg and Hugh Fairly-Witlessballs. The band's one and only single, "Maggie, May: 1979" and the B-side, "Isn't Rotherham Shite and Full of Oiky Poor People?", rose up the charts without a trace in 1984. The BBs still perform to this day with Cameron on keyboards, Rees-Mogg on maracas and Witlessballs on the aga. They are available for weddings (royal) and funerals but, oddly enough, not bar-mitzvahs. Cameron's alter ego stage name is Simeon Le Mal, Rees-Mogg performs as Jake Le Peg and Witlessballs as Hugh A. Hoodie.

George Osborne

The Chancellor of the Exchequer is right up there with Shapps when it comes to wierd entrepreneurship. He has a little sideline called Walter's Wet Jobs. Posing as Walter Wee, you can hire Osborne to piss all over you and your mates from a great height. So, not much difference to the day job then.

Nick Clegg

When he's not being ignored by everyone, Nick gets his kicks as Alf the Apologist, cage-fighter extraordinaire. In seedy basement clubs in Tunbridge Wells and Guildford, Nick dons his gimp suit and attempts to kick the living shit out of all-comers. In his eighty-seven bouts he has won less then one. After each one, he makes a little video from his hospital bed apologising to punters for pledging to win and failing to do so...again. He was going to call himself Nicolas Cage but it seems there were image rights issues...

Piers Morgan

Morgan's alter ego has a real battle with the actual Morgan ego which, as we've all realised, is about the size of a super nova. As His Supreme Majesty, King Piers I, monarch of Morgania, the much- and rightly-maligned self publicist has invented a country all of his own in his tiny brain-space and he is the alternately benign and malignant ruler in order that his alter ego has an alter ego all of its own too. Morgania is populated exclsuively by celebrities whose life stories King Piers recounts to the delight of the rest.
 

Ant and/or Dec

The chirpy geordie dwarfs are well know for fronting totally shite TV for lots of money. What we didn't know was that for two weeks every year, the duo swap their wealth and stardom to front totally shite TV in the world's newest state, South Sudan. As Ony and/or Lan, the pair present the SSTV prime time quiz show, White or Black, where Sudanese viewers choose between things that are black and things that are white with prizes such as a pale of water and a grain of rice. Ony and Lan are Sudanese words for talentless and twat.

You couldn't make all of this up, could you? Well, you could, actually, because I just did....