LOVE DAVE!

Steve Hilton has gone to California to spend more time with his wife's money.

This leaves David Cameron in a bit of a spot, as he is unable to think shit up on his own and has relied upon the likes of 'Hilto' to come up with 'game-changing' policies and ideas to perpetuate belief in the ailing coalition. Great ideas like "The Big Society"; surely something that is talked about by everyone and something that everyone wants to be part of - or maybe not.

No More Silly
Tree Logos!
This is Tory Future!

Although Dave has not yet advertised the vacancy for "Head of Blue-Sky Thinking", it would be wise to prepare an application now. My c.v. will easily get me onto the short-list so the next step is to put together my list of blue-sky ideas to take the Tories into the next general election with a sure-fire guarantee of success! I'll let the rest of the policy-wonks deal the boring stuff like managing the country's debt burden, pulling back from Lansley's lunatic reforms of the NHS and how to avoid war in Iran / Pakistan / Argentina / Syria (delete as appropriate). No, I see my new job as key to making the electorate love Dave. In fact, that might just be the strap-line to take us forward. "LOVE DAVE" [(c) Fourth Columnist Politico-Trash (Bahamas) Inc.]

Under the LOVE DAVE[TM] platform, my initiatives will propel the Conservative Party into a mainstream political future! Hilto will be but a memory and, by comparison to me, a pretty unpleasant one, too. Big Soc, my arse.

Here goes, then. Ten brilliant ideas to make sure that Dave (Ah! Love Him!) takes us into a golden future...

LOVE DAVE [TM] IDEA#1:

Now that the Police Service is to be privatised, it's impossible to believe that forward-looking, IT-savvy corporates will want to carry on with old fuddy-duddy mounted policemen, now will they? So, step (or trot) forward, Dave's Police Horses! Everyone gets a chance to hack with Dave and, if they're lucky, Rebekah too, on the leafy Oxfordshire bridle paths!

Everyone Loves Sam!
Let's Accessorise!

LOVE DAVE [TM] IDEA#2

Nobody trusts the press anymore. So here comes the "Daily Dave"!  the newspaper for modern Britain. No sniping at the Government here; just great stories about how Dave is delivering a great future for everone in Dave's Britain (except in Scotland). And no smut here, either. No! On Page three every day there'll be a lovely pic of SamCam in a pretty dress with some of her new accesories that everyone can aspire to afford now that Dave's got that silly thing with economy all sorted out. Plus, sports pages packed with retropsectives on how well Team GB did - getting our brilliant bronze medal in the Olympics (synchronised mud-snorkling) and how Manchester United failed to win anything at all, largely because their manager is Scottish. The 'Daily Dave' will not be available in Scotland, where they'll all be reading the Daily Glum and wiping their poverty-stricken Scottish bums with it in their independent outside toilets (or fields, as we know them here in Dave's Beautiful Britain).

Goodbye Banksy!

LOVE DAVE [TM] IDEA#3

Do you remember "Keep Britain Tidy" in the 70s? Dave doesn't, because he's so youthful, but kind old Mr Clarke has told him all about it and that it was not a daft idea at all. But as we'll all be very busy keeping Dave's Britain working, we'll need an army of "tidiers", won't we? Dave's 'Scumbag Scrubbers' are the answer. On the dole? On Jobseeker's Allowance? Fed up with being forced to work for Mr Tesco for no wages? Join the 'Scumbag Scrubbers' and make a difference to Britain (but not in Scotland). Clean up that Banksy graffiti! Scrub away the chewing gum! Make Dave's Britain lovely (just like Dave)!

LOVE DAVE [TM] IDEA#4

It's a sad fact that, even in Dave's Britain where (almost) all of us LOVE DAVE [TM] , there are still some people that just don't get it. And I don't mean only the people in Scotland, either. No, there are some English folk who just don't play the game. Mostly bankers, of course, and others who think it's a good idea to avoid paying taxes. Well Dave has news for you! You like trading in stocks and bonds? Well Dave has bonds to tie you into some stocks! If you don't pay your taxes or if you award yourself a huge bonus for trading in the misery of the less well-off (there are no 'poor' people in Dave's Britain), then off you go to the stocks (permission pending from the European Court of Human Rights).

LOVE DAVE [TM] IDEA#5

Now that all those nasty bankers are busy having rotten fruit (imported from Scotland, where they have no use for healthy foodstuffs) thrown at them, the people of Dave's Britain will need a new bank! OK, every decent citizen that pays their taxes owns a share of some of the 'bad old banks' but they're not going to see any of that money because it's all being frittered away on silly loans that Mr Cable has insisted they dole out to businesses that are probably foreign! 'Dave's Pay-Day Bank' is the answer. Why borrow money from these sharks that charge twenty million per cent when you can get it from Dave at significantly less. (Terms and conditions apply. Your loan may be recalled at any time and could result in the loss of limbs or major organs if it all goes horribly wrong and you lose you job thus making it impossible to repay on your next pay-day - as there won't be one. On the other hand, Dave stills loves you, unless you're Scottish, and you could join the Scumbag Scrubbers to make up for your default).

LOVE DAVE [TM] IDEA#6

Life in Dave's Britain can be fantastic but it can also have its very serious side, too. Although Dave is trying hard to put an end to misery and sadness, there's a limit to his prowess. People will still die and people will still be unhappy (especially in Scotland as they look over a chilly, hilly horizon at Independence and the loss of Dave's love). This is why Dave can offer solace through the Church of Dave [TM]. Dave likes God...any god, whether it's the proper one, or Allah or Ganesh or the thousands of others. This is unlike his deputy, Nick, who has decided that their are no gods, except in the run-up to elections. So Dave has created the Church Of Lots Of United Religions, "C.O.L.O.U.R."[TM], that brings all faiths together in Dave's Britain (except in Scotland where they can all be "Sons of the Manse" if they choose and attend Brownite services or not go to Tesco on a Sunday - their choice, even it's the wrong one). The Church of Dave [TM] will stop sectarian issues being issues. Dave has listened to the secularists or, as he likes to call them, the "Daveless", and will not separate church and state, as long as the church of the state is The Church of Dave [TM].

LOVE DAVE [TM] IDEA#7

Should have been King?
Noooo..don't think so

Dave's ascendence to power as Prime Minsiter was blessed by Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the Second. Dave knows how much everyone loves her (except in Scotland, where they think that the throne was cruelly ripped from the grasp of the 'Bonnie Prince' back in 1745...that's the 'Bonnie Prince' that was French, btw, and possbly not dissimilar in his regicidal views from another 'Charlie' we might mention). Dave understands that there are a lot of people who are not as happy as many others with the fact that we, in Dave's lovely Britain, have an anachronistic monarchy. So Dave wants to bring the monarchy into the twenty-first century! Which is great! (Like the century, and the idea...and Dave himself!). Welcome to Dave's Open Monarchy (DOM)! Under DOM, anyone can be monarch for the day. When the queen is on holiday or just taking a break from her onerous duties, ordinary citizens can just step up and do her job; asking "Hello, where are you from?" and "Have you come far?" of other ordinary citizens and accepting small bouquets of flowers from children. Not hard work at all, and such a privilege!

LOVE DAVE [TM] IDEA#8

Home of
'The Mayor Factor'

All of our big towns and cities need a mayor. The old way of sorting this out (elections) just isn't right any more because even in Dave's Lovely Britain, some people don't feel like voting...which is a shame but there we are. The best way to select our mayors (and possibly our police chiefs) in the future will be through the medium of television. So we're going to bring you "The Mayor Factor!" This is a truly democratic process. Every day, live on on TV, potential mayors will strut their mayoral stuff and everyone can vote by phone or text or tweets after the judges have eliminated unsuitable candidates, such as Boris and Ken. The loveable geordie dwarves, Ant and/or Dec will host the shows and the judging panel will be Gok Wan, Pippa Middleton, Lembit Opik and the famous journalist, the Archbishop of York! Winners be allocated their mayoral seats by Eric Pickles, over a nice curry afterwards. And of course, the shows will be shown on...where else...Dave! (The channel 'Dave' will be nationalised).

LOVE DAVE [TM] IDEA#9

We got really fed up recently over MPs doing very naughty things with their expenses. So, through the medium of Dave TV, there'll be another new show - 'Second Homes Under The Hammer!'. All those unnecessary second homes will be sold off and the money used to re-build Hadrian's Wall (only this time it will not exclude Northumberland, so the people up there that are so close to Salmond's Scotland don't have to worry). Obviously, Dave won't have to give up his Oxfordshire home - that's his first home! No.10 is just where he works, where Sam keeps all of her lovely clothes and accessories and where the lovely couple entertain visiting heads of state (although I imagine Dave will ask Mr Salmond to stay in a local hotel if he wants haggis, neeps and tatties on the menu!)

LOVE DAVE [TM] IDEA#10

Dave's going to change his name! We've thought very hard about this. 'Cameron' is just a little bit scottish, isn't it? So, from now on, our beloved Prime Minister will be known as 'Kim Jong Dave'. Peace, love and blessings be upon him.

LOVE "KIM JONG" DAVE!