The BBC, IDS, Leveson and Media Bias

I quite like one Conservative politician, and the one I quite like is Iain Duncan-Smith.

"Bloody BBC - They can't even supply a piano!"

In my defence, he's not a proper Tory. He's a sort of reforming, liberal, socialist Tory, really, although I doubt he'd thank me for describing him thus. Why on earth the Cameronian-Osbornites continue to give him a seat at cabinet is beyond me, unless it's just to have someone to blame, like they're waiting to blame Hague for everything because he's from Yorkshire and is rumoured to have once drunk pints of keg bitter in a mis-spent youth at Rotherham; shortly after he sucked up to Thatcher but before he messed up as the party leader and was photographed trying to look cool in a baseball cap with a boy.

IDS, however, has a near uniqueness around the cabinet (and shadow cabinet) table in that he once had a proper job. He was a soldier. OK, it was in the posh Scots Guards for only six years and he was an aide-de-camp to a General after he got his commission from Sandhurst. His was not a hugely distinguished military career but it was, at least, a proper job. And his other, and definitely unique quality as a member of our government, is that he is 'Yonsei', which I learn is a fourth generation Nikkei (his great grandmother was Japanese). And he's not to keen on the Frogs and Krauts, apparently.

The evil Flanders grooms her next, unsuspecting victim....

Now IDS, despite his "quiet man" epithet, can sometimes cause a ripple or two. He could never be described as the sort of chap that people might think as someone who might get a bit cross, but he has. Last week, he "went off one one" about the BBC. And with good reason, too. He's complained (formally) to the BBC's Director of News, Helen Boaden. Hers is an unfortunate job title, as it might suggest that she "directs" the news, rather than ensures that it is 'reported". She is not an editor, although there are plenty of job titles within the BBC News department that are so described. IDS's complaint is that the BBC has not been impartial - as its charter requires. IDS has singled out certain hacks within the BBC, such as Stephanie Flanders, for "dumping on" the government by highlighting all the crap stuff and then spinning any "good news" to make it sound bad, because the BBC hates the Tories and does not support their coalition with that other party, led by that other bloke. And he's right to complain that the BBC does this, because that's not their job - it's mine! I have freedom of speech, thankfully, and so does the rest of the Fourth Estate and we should be grateful for that. But the BBC is supposedly funded by those diminishing numbers of people in the UK that are required to pay a fee for the privilege of watching television. And that means that the BBC must remain impartial. Sky, ITN, Fox News, MSNBC and all the others can do what the hell they like...and they do. And IDS's point is that the BBC seems to be joining the ranks of a populist, political media that has "agendas".

Mark Thompson, the out-going DG of the BBC, has done nothing to stem the tide of partial reporting at the BBC during his term of office and, like many other observers, I doubt that George Entwistle will perform any differently. The news bulletins from the BBC, on the 'prima-facie' of it, do report the 'news'. But scratch the surface and the partiality becomes obvious. As well as partial reporting, there are some BBC hacks that are so prone to schadenfreude that it's embarrassing. I'm sure that Nick Robinson is a very clever bloke but doesn't he just love it when a politician screws up? Paxman has changed from a respected 'Grand Inquisitor' into a circus side-show, late in the evening with rapidly disappearing viewing numbers, reduced to being expected excoriate junior ministers for no other reason than...he can (and that his editor told him to, maybe). The current crop of political 'editors' and journos at the Beeb are beginning to make John Humphreys' interviews appear balanced.

"Bloody BBC - They can't even supply an I-pad!"

Naturally, nothing will come of IDS's complaint, because MPs (even the cabinet minister variety) are so reviled by the general public, the media and by institutions like the BBC that they aren't allowed to complain about anything anymore, even if they have good reason. And that revulsion has largely come about because of the parliamentary 'expenses scandal'; the one that involved only a few MPs (and not IDS) and was so long ago now that it doesn't matter anymore. It's paradoxical that some elements of the public and most of the media get more agitated about an MP claiming a few quid for a duck-house or an HD TV than they do about parliament sanctioning multi-billions of pounds being spent on extra debt and nuclear weapons. Perhaps it's because they'd like a free telly themselves rather than a plutonium warhead.

So what's worse: deliberately misinforming the public or hacking a phone to expose something naughty that just might actually be in the public interest? I know it's not that simple. But, as governments seem to be unable to do their job without every tiniest action being media-examined to death for whiffs of intrigue, manifesto u-turns or plain stupidity, isn't it only right and proper that governments can challenge the reporters on the grounds of ensuring fairness and reasonableness? Apparently not. The Press Complaints Commission has been shown to be as toothless as Paul Dacre wishes it to be and the DCMS's Regulatory Framework is equally useless. The BBC is required to act on complaints, provided that enough people complain. So, as IDS is probably a lone voice from the green benches...well, draw your own conclusions. Let's see what La Boaden comes up with. That's only fair and reasonable, too.

Leveson's wish to censure the press has been trailed by the Indy editor, Chris Blackhurst. The "Rule 13" letter that Lord Justice Leveson has sent to all of the national newspapers is, apparently, one hundred pages of criticism of the Fourth Estate that Blackhurst sees as the judge simply loading the gun that he'll fire when the report is out. If Blackhurst is to be believed, then Leveson has produced a "damning indictment" of the industry and has done so without balancing his pronouncements with all of the good things about the papers. Petards come to mind, I suppose.

"Here's my Rule 13 Letter, in this tube...
and I'm going to deliver it Mr Blackhurst dressed
like this! It's great being a Lord Justice!"

Everyone involved, from critics, judges, hacks and the public all seem to agree on one fundamental point, however, which is that a 'Free Press' is important and one of the hallmarks of a democracy. One only has to look at Russia, North Korea, China and Burma to see the truth of that.

Maybe the BBC should start a new rolling news outlet; "Wiki-Beeb"? Just stick the news out there on its web-pages and we can all change the news to suit our prejudices or just to make it more fun; even IDS, should he choose to.

Today's BBC News webpages have some headlines that I've altered through adding/deleting/changing one letter of one word, and have run the articles as I see them...

Sport: Swansea accept new Sinclair bit:
Swansea FC have taken delivery of a new bit of Scott Sinclair. It seems that this important bit had gone missing somewhere in the closed season and the Premiership club was delighted to have got it back, as it will immeasurably increase the player's sale value as the transfer-window closes.

Astro-Physics: Millions of black moles spotted:
Nasa has announced that a large proportion of outer space is made up of moles; millions of them. This came as a surprise to Professor Brian Cox, who said that, "...whilst the night sky is often poetically described as being a 'velvet dome', I think that Nasa might have got this a bit wrong". Professor Cox has re-formed D-ream and their new single is out now, entitled, 'Things Can Only Get Batter', a New-Romantic homage to fish 'n' chips.

Health: Chocolate may be 'strike shield':
Andrew Lansley has announced that industrial action within the health service can be avoided by giving all members of Unison and PCS bars of chocolate. "This is a major breakthrough in industrial relations", he said, adding, "who'd have thought that the humble flavonoid could have such an impact. If only Mrs Thatcher had known this in the seventies..."

Justice: Could babies' faeces reduce crime?
Justice Secretary, Kenneth Clarke, has come up with a remarkable approach to crime-fighting. Instead of protecting property with expensive alarm systems and G4S security guards (other security companies are available - more so than G4S anyway), studies from Lithuania have shown that smearing nappy contents over everything will deter even the most determined criminals. "Not only that," Clarke enthused, "but think of the land-fill benefits!" Mr Clarke is 98, and should have retired years ago.

Financial: How Eurozone crisps affect you:
The Germa Chancellor, Angela Merkel, has issued some stern warnings on crisps that have been manufactured in the Eurozone. She has asked all Europeans to avoid crisps that have been made from Russian potatoes as they may contain nano-bots. Mrs Merkel, while on a visit to China this week, examined their potatoes and declared them "bot-free vegetables" Mrs Merkel's carer is on holiday.

City News: Barclays faces UFO investigation:
New Barclays CEO, Antony Jenkins, has dismissed Bob Diamond's claim that the Libor scandal only occurred because aliens told him to do it. Jenkins welcomed the UFO investigation saying that it was about time that banks stopped blaming aliens for everything. Jenkins is expected to remain in post for about three days. Chancellor George Osborne was unavailable for comment, having been abducted to the mother-ship for a rectal probing session (to locate brain and voice-box).

"Oooh! Now that's a much better probe!"

TEN MORE THINGS...That are utterly unimportant

I know that there's lots of really important, shitty stuff going on right now; like economic crises, wars everywhere, famine, climate change and the remote but undeniably real possibly that Mitt Romney could be the President of the United States of America come January 2013. But that doesn't mean that the less important shitty stuff cannot have a place in a blogger's domain. So, here are:

TEN UTTERLY UNIMPORTANT THINGS THAT HAVE REALLY WOUND ME UP LATELY...

1) KP - Nuts

I can't understand why some people feel that the text messages or tweets of sports 'personalities' should be of interest to anyone other than the sender or the recipient. If the South African bowlers hadn't discovered how to get Andrew Strauss out, then I'd be very surprised. After all, that's part of their job. Besides, by Strauss's own admission, he's now so crap at batting so it wouldn't take a genius to work out that you just bowl at his stumps and he'll do the rest on his own. And anyway, nobody should be shocked that one of the many Southern Africans that have (by some circuitous route) ended up playing for England should wish to help out their mates.

2) Colonising Mars

In a few billion years we'll probably need somewhere else to live once our sun goes giant and devours the solar system in a frenzy of fusion reactions before just going "Boom! Look! Everyone! I'm a Supernova!" So, interstellar travel might not be a bad idea, but not just yet, and certainly not to a cold, lifeless, forbidding world like Mars. Mind you, if we do end up colonising that planet and set up a kind of community with shops and stuff, I wonder what they'll call the pub...?

Besides, colonisation is not always popular...

Latest Picture from "Curiosity"

3) Cabinet Re-Shuffle:
Cameron is of the opinion that to shuffle Osborne off this political coil would make the electorate think that he'd made a mistake in appointing the Chancellor in the first place. How could any one think that? After all, he's quite good at sums and almost as posh as Dave. The austerity measures introduced have resulted in a massive impact on the recession, as he promised. It's now worse than it was when Brown squirmed away and he's managed to borrow even more money than the Greeks and Spanish put together. And even if Cameron had the cojones to dump his best mate, there is nobody at all available, even from the coalition's back-benchers, who could do any better.

Re-shuffle highlights to come:
Some Tory toffs will be replaced by some other Tory toffs. Some Liberal Democrat, fawning, toady turncoats will be replaced by some Tory toffs. Nothing more to see here...move on.

4) Julian Assange:
The Assange situation is so unremittingly dull. Wikileaks is passe and besides, the so-called revelations therein were just what everyone knew or could guess anyway. Has it occurred to anyone that Assange's reasons for not wishing to be questioned / tried in Sweden might be because he's been a naughty boy and have nothing whatsoever to do with freedom of speech or fear of rendition (ordinary or extraordinary) to the US? Just a thought...

Julian Assange phones his lawyer and tells him, "I'm Free!"

5) Todd Akin's and George Galloway's Opinions on Rape...
As unlikely as it may seem, Akin and Galloway have something in common. Neither appear to understand the word 'rape'. But, as one is an insignificant US congressman whose political career has just disappeared up his own arse and the other is an insignificant UK politician who also doesn't understand what 'Respect' actually means (despite it being a 'political party' in his own, limited and weird imagination), then we shouldn't give either of the gits any media oxygen.

6) Howard Jacobson's Opinions on Anything at All, Frankly...

Jacobson has got all cross about the reading public being frightened of 'the novel'. It seems that Jacobson feels that there is a 'dearth of good readers' because political correctness is removing the challenges of reading. What Jacobson doesn't understand is that most readers like to be entertained, have a laugh and, quite often, get aroused. That's why 'Fifty Shades' of anything will top the best-seller list and 'The Finkler Question' won't. Book prizes tend to do anything other than guarantee a good read. So Jacobson should get his head out of his arse and accept that popular fiction is what it's designed to be, i.e., popular. Here's a link to good example of what Jacobson thinks represents the end of civilisation: "MAX"

7) School Playing Fields:

There is nothing at all about the UK education system that couldn't be resolved by using Michael Gove's face and a massive shovel, and that includes the selling off of playing fields. Not that that matters anyway. In a couple of weeks, the whole olympic thing will have been forgotten and nobody will want to play outside any more and will go back to play-stations and burgers on the sofa - just like before, then?

"If it wasn't for those pesky playing fields, rigged
GSCE results, Free Schools, Academies, being posh and
looking a lot like Pob, then I'd probably be a brilliant
Secretary of State for Education..."

8) Ed M versus Ed B
About as interesting as a fight between Mel B and Mel C, only without the mud bath. Miliband has a marginal advantage over Balls in the latest polls on the matter of which Labour politician is most likely to lose the the next General Election. And that's an election where the fight is against a coalition of toffs and wimps that are gradually fucking the country. St Tony of Blair and his apostolic sidekick, Campbell, could win. Michael Foot could beat Cameron - and he's dead. But the Eds probably can't.

9) "Parades End"
What was that all about? Benedict Cumberpatch's new vehicle was billed as "...the thinking woman's Downton Abbey...", a descriptor that was patronising on just so many levels. It was, frankly, a load of bollocks. And when something is billed as having being adapted from a "tetralogy", this meant that loads of reviewers started using the word instead of just commenting on the work having been adapted from the four related novels by Ford Madox Ford. And for those that didn't believe there was such a thing as a tetralogy, they now know so much about a congenital heart defect named after a nineteenth century French physician called Fallot. That's what we love about Google, isn't it? Put in a word that you think some clever arse has just invented and ten minutes later you're an expert on cyanotic heart problems caused by low ventricular oxygenation of blood, just like I have become. It's just a shame that when you google 'Gove' or 'Osborne', it doesn't provide options to visit web pages about totalitarian governmental controls...or idiots.

10) Adam Henson
I hope that I'm not the only person in Britain that couldn't give a shit about this wealthy Gloucester farmer and all the "really hard work" he does to run his farm and how awful everything is for those that work the land - which it really can be, unless you're being paid shit-loads of money by the BBC for telling everyone how awful everything is for those that work the land. On the other hand, the miniature donkeys and the piglets were just so cute, weren't they? Aaaah...

Do animals really get any cuddlier than this?

"Psst... Fancy a Human Sarnie?"

BACK TO WHAT PASSES FOR NORMAL?

The 2012 London Olympic Games are almost over. So, this week, BBC Radio 5 changed its link announcements from "Radio Five Live - Your Olympic Station", to "Radio Five Live, Your Paralympic Station". It would have been much more fun to have had Nicky Campbell, Sheliagh Fogarty and Victoria Derbyshire presenting their programmes after a dozen cans of Special Brew (each): "Radio Five Live - Your Paralytic Station". But that didn't happen.

"I say, everyone...I think that Peter Allen
and Aasmah Mir might have been drinking..."

Paralympics apart, Britain is returning to what passes for normal under the Coalition, which, according to a poll today, only 16% of people think will survive the current parliament. A pointless poll, because the coalition ceased to exist a few months ago. Indeed, apart from Dave and the other bloke pretending that they were coming together "in the national interest" in May 2010, it's pretty much been a Tory government ever since, regardless of the Liberal Democrat claims of taking "millions of people out of tax", as that will be achieved by Cameron and Osborne putting millions on the dole as the cuts begin in earnest, later this year and in 2013.

The author, Mark Haddon (The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night-Time) went on record this week saying that his accountant got all uppity, when Mr Haddon insisted that he wanted to pay all the tax he was due to pay, and told the accountant not to "avoid" any of it on his behalf. Good for him. But, with respect to the author, his is a small voice of sanity in the madness that is tax accountancy. Now, if Wayne Rooney or Bono or Bob Diamond or (when Hell freezes over), Philip Green were to have expressed a desire to pay all of the UK tax that they should, then that might have been an entirely different matter. But that didn't happen, either. Still, well done, Mark Haddon.

So back in the real, post-Olympic world, life goes on. And in the life of the Prime Minister, that means going on holiday. How lovely. Dave told a press-conference on Sunday that "...politicians need a holiday too...". He went on to explain that he and his family were having a "holiday" and he was not going on "annual leave", suggesting that the two things were entirely different. In his case, because it's not "annual leave", he will still be "in charge", while he is on "holiday". I'm buggered if I know what he's talking about. I have to assume that he is making a differential point in order not to leave Osborne, Hague or May "in charge". The Deputy PM, er...whathisname...will also be on holiday (just a holiday, not a non-annual-leave-break) at the same time as the PM is away. I don't know who prepares the Government holiday chart but that was really poor management. However, the Deputy PM has never deputised anyway, so what difference will it make? Dave will be on holiday for ten days before returning for "some commitments" and then going away again for a few more days, only in the UK for the second trip. That's two holidays, then. I hate to be a pedant (no, actually, I love it), but when the PM said he "needed a holiday"...see what I mean? It's a bit like Osborne wanting to give one hundred and ten per cent. And these people are "in charge", whether they're here or not. Jesus Christ Almighty...

In places where Jesus Christ (almighty or otherwise) is only revered as a prophet rather than a deity, there are some curious arrangements. In Saudi Arabia, what passes for government there has decided to create a "Women-only City". Under Wahabi Sharia Law, sexual segregation is a big item but, with the Saudis wanting to court international approval rather than the usual opprobrium, they are making a gesture that is on the laughable end of a liberal agenda. The idea is, that women should have an opportunity to have some "independence and financial security". To this end, a new city will be built in the Holuf district, where all of the workplaces and housing will be exclusively for women. The jobs, typically, will be in "IT, Food Preparation, Pharmaceuticals and Textile Technologies". So, that's Call centres / wrapping lettuces / putting pills in boxes / making t-shirts, then? Holuf is about two hundred kilometres from Riyadh and one hundred from the Bahrain border but it does have the campus of the King Faisal University where, doubtless, they will be introducing a women-only Faculty of Shitty-Jobs-To-Appease-The-West. Of course, what the Saudi regime could have done was to allow women to drive cars without the permission of a man, or have a discrete shag without the threat of death by stoning...that might have been a better start.

Tea-break at the Holuf lettuce-packing factory

On the jobs front in the UK, Mark Serwotka arranged for Public and Commercial Services Union (PCS) employees at JobCentres to have a little strike for day. Apparently, the bosses are making their lives hell in "draconian circumsatnces". These people work in call centres. Call centres are not all pleasant places, that has to be admitted (apart from the ones about to be created in Holuf, of course). I don't really have any objection to PCS staff taking industrial action...even strike action, although it's a bit dated. But I do have a huge objection to Serwotka. In a couple of months, I will be posting the Fourth Column's "Tosser of the Year" awards and right now, Serwotka is in the top three and, remarkably, he's ahead of Osborne. I have complained at length about our top politicians never having had proper jobs. The same applies to some of these idiots in the unions. I have been a member of a trade union all of my life. They are important, and necessary parts of our society. But it seems to me that they have lost the ethos that made them so. In my day, union leaders had done twenty to thirty years on the "front line" before helping the workers improve their respective lots (Scargill apart).

But is there some kind of curious genetic thing going on...?

Derek Hatton ?

Mark Serwotka?

Sure, Serwotka worked in the Benefits Agency for a while but he is a "career trades unionist" that has simply not grasped the current mood of the nation. His steadfast refusal to work with government and the civil service is, frankly, embarrassing to the TU movement. His pathetic threat to disrupt the Olympics though Border Agency actions had all of the hallmarks of a man with no grasp of the pragmatism of 'Realpolitik', as his ideological notions appear to be entrenched in non-negotiable positions. And he really needs to understand the laws relating to ballots, as well as the fairness and reasonableness that has to underpin employment law. OK, when Oliver Letwin said, in July 2011 (as the Coalition's policy chief on public service reform) that "..excellence in the public services would be achieved through fear of losing jobs and...real discipline...", Serwotka was right to be a bit pissed off. But his actions were ineffective becuase he didn't really know what to do. He should have asked Hugh Lanning to deal with it...in fact, Hugh should be General Secretary of the PCS. Or me. Or...anyone other than Serwotka.

Which one of these two handsome chaps is
Mitt Romney's running mate?

On the other side of politics and of the Atlantic, Mitt Romney has appointed his presumptive VP candidate. This is Paul Ryan. I was very upset to learn that Paul Ryan is the Congressman from Wisconsin and not, as I had hoped, the resucitated Paul Ryan who wrote the million-selling classic 'Eloise' in 1968 that his brother Barry took to No.1 in the charts (or, 'Hit Parade' as we knew it then). That Paul Ryan died in 1992, aged only 44, but his legacy will, hopefully, be greater than that of the Tea Party, Neo-Con, arch-Roman Catholic that hopes to be only a 'heart-beat' away from the presidency in a few months' time. Ryan, just to give you a flavour, is on record as against foetal abortion in any circumstances - including pregnancy through rape or incest. And to make his candidacy even more worrying, Rupert Murdoch has come out this week in Ryan's favour.

While the non-paralympic games have been on, it has been easy to ignore or miss all sorts of shit that's been happening, bearing in mind that UK news broadcasters have spent all of their time extolling Team GB and the feelgood factors of the 'medalling' and 'podiuming'; the new verbs associated with athletic success in 2012. In most of the newspapers, it was necessary to plough through at least twelve pages before there was a report on the horror of Bashar Al-Assad's repression or the monumental cock-ups of Osborne's chancellory. Had the Olympic Games not been coming to an orgasmic close, the tabloid papers would have been fulminating over the tragedy of Tia Sharpe's death, allegedly at the hands of some scumbag quasi-relative who may or may not have stored her body in the loft of the family home. As usual, according to the screaming headlines (on page 94) it was not the scumbags that were at fault, but the police, for having failed to search the property effectively. Damned if they do; damned if they don't.

And in amongst all of this, Sid Waddell died, aged 72. If you've heard of Sid Waddell, then it's most likely that you will have only remembered him as a commentator on darts. "On the Oche"...that was his catch-phrase, as doubtless EJ Thribb will write in the next issue of Private Eye. But Alnwick-born Sid was more than just the guy that said that about the 'oche'; the game-line that has to be nine feet, three and seven-eigths of an inch on the diagonal from the bull's eye of the dart board. He was a state-school educated Oxbridge scholar of English and History; a television producer, scriptwriter, novelist and sports biographer. A sort of Stuart Hall, but without the casual racism, monarchism and reactionary dogma. Sid Wadell would have been one thousand times better as the General Secretary of the PCS than Serwotka. Sid Wadell was a fucking genius, too. Here are some of his quotes. Some of them may have been pre-scripted, but I'd like to think that his vaulting intellect just ensured that they tripped off his eloquent tongue as he brought the crazy game of darts alive for the viewing public:

"When Alexander of Macedonia was thirty-three years old, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer....Eric Bristow is only twenty-seven".

"Look at the man go! It's like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter"

"If Phil ('The Power') Taylor had been at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have all gone home."

"It's the nearest thing to a public execution this side of Saudi Arabia"

"The atmosphere here is so tense, if Elvis walked in with a portion of chips, you could hear the sizzle of vinegar on them..."

If only Sid had been feeling OK, then I might have just watched some of the Olympic Games - if he'd been in a commentary box; with Barry Davies or Claire Balding. 

Sadly, No Longer on the Oche, or on the Earth
Sid Wadell (1940-2012)
(Already sorely missed)

So, there it is: Back To What Passes For Normal in Dave's Britain and, if your there, three hundred-odd miles from me, in Boris's London, there's a very good chance that everything is going to be shit from now on and there'll be very little in the way of distractions after the Paralympics.

My advice, therefore, is to join in the "Paralytics"...

TEN THINGS FOR BORIS JOHNSON TO DO (INSTEAD OF BEING PRIME MINISTER)

Boris Johnson; A Future Prime Minister?

"No, old chap...this is MY house, actually,
so you can't deposit your helmet in the hall;
that's either helmet, by the way"

Several articles and features have appeared in the press over the last few days suggesting that Boris Johnson's star is ascending in whichever political or media fundament one might choose to view. It's undeniable that the Mayor of London has had a lot of positive press. Even nay-sayers have acknowledged that there is, at the very least, a possibility of his over-throwing of Cameron prior to 2015; the Grauniad's Jonathan Freedland being one among many. And the BBC ran a profile of Johnson on Sunday, 5th August, for no other reason than the media's love-affair with the man who has (if you believe his own spin) delivered the 2012 Olympics almost single-handedly. Top quality journalism it wasn't, and included interviews with Michael Howard and Charles Moore as the main 'features' of the piece; like anyone actually gives a shit about what those two old tossers might say or think about anything.

Say the word "Boris", and about ninety five per cent of people in London will immediately associate it with "Johnson" and that percentage only drops to eighty outside of the capital. Apart from people that have never heard of Johnson, the "Boris" alternatives are limited, anyway. Older folk might think about Karloff, tennis fans of Becker, chess-players of Spassky, arty-farty types of Pasternak and ageing, vodka-soaked communists of Yeltsin. But here and now, in Britain during the Olympic Summer...there's only one Boris.

Boris is, naturally, playing the "long game" by denying that he has any interest in the job of Prime Minister. The "long game" in British politics lasts only a few weeks so it's likely that he'll declare that interest just as soon as the olympic games have been completed without any disasters and with a medal haul of unprecedented proportion for the home nation that, of course, will be down to the mayor of the host city.

Take two men; one (boringly) called Dave and the other, (tantalisingly) called Boris. Both attended Eton, were members of the exclusive Bullingdon Club and went to Oxford colleges before spending some time in media and political careers. Dave's family is very wealthy; in part due to his wife being the daughter of a baronet and being employed by a business that knocks out handbags at £1,500 a throw (and throws at £1,500 a knock, probably). Boris's family are third generation immigrants from Turkey but with impeccable post-imperial and intellectual credentials. Both men have sons called Arthur. Both men became MPs in 2001, but the Turkish one eschewed this role in 2008 to become the Mayor of London. The quintessentially English one stuck with the mainstream political task and, somehow, became Prime Minister.

Unfortunately for Dave, he became PM at precisely the time that nobody with any political ambition should have taken on the job. The previous incumbent had become unelectable; largely because he was a complete arsehole and the country's economy had been totally fucked by...well, everything. Not just by bankers. So Dave should have been a shoe-in but he screwed up a bit and ended up having to broker and share a deal with some Liberal Democrat bloke in order to form a quasi-majority in the Commons. Nobody can remember the Liberal Democrat bloke's name, as he rose to the office of Deputy Prime Minister without the slightest trace. His name may have been Nigel...or Norman Clark...or Nicholas, er...no matter.

Cameron thinks:
"I'm sure I recognise this chap that's speaking. I keep seeing him around
the place. Don't think he went to Eton; so he can't be a cabinet colleague.
I must get Ozzie to find out who he is..."

Boris looked on from City Hall in 2010 as Dave struggled to form a government and thought..."This is good. Let there be no light on this coalition. Let it flounder for a few years. Let the people look for a Messiah. I will deliver all that the mob requires. Entertainment! Circus Maximus! They will look upon Dave and despise him. They will look upon me and desire me..." And Boris knew that a precedent had already been set by "Ken the Red", in that a Mayor could hold that office and yet still be a Member of Parliament - for at least a year. And Boris thought some more..."I will ride on the back of my Circus. I will re-enter Parliament in 2014 and I will smite the Cameronites and the Osbornists. I will lead the people out of their madness and anger through my innate charm, blondness and my facility with Latin. They will look upon my works (and though they be not mighty) they will still despair...my name may not be 'Ozymandias, King of Kings', but that's just a small detail that can be sorted out by a deed poll, I imagine."

All that apart, what would it be like if Boris ascended to the office of PM?

There have been several "Oh! Shit!" moments in British politics since WW2. The Profumo affair;   Macmillan's "Night of the Long Knives"; The Winter of Discontent; Thatcher's eleven years of screwing the poor; Blair's wars; and "Incapability" Brown, to mention just a few. All of those and more would be eclipsed by Johnson becoming PM.

His unsinkable enthusiasm and his carefully-staged buffoonery are infectious. His media image and popularity ratings are ahead of just about any public figure ever, in the history of politics (including Kim Jong Il). He's funny, eloquent and often dashing. He rides a bike and is helping others to ride bikes for free (and only occasionally do the riders get killed by Olympic buses). He can dangle on a zip-wire for minutes on end and, where all other politicos would have been pilloried, he walked away a hero. And there are next to no old bones at all in any of his closets that haven't been chewed on by the tabloids already. He's a "bit of lad", isn't he? "Bonking Boris"was a tabloid title awarded to Becker but Boris has usurped it. "I'm here for the fame, the power and the women", he is alleged to have said this year regarding his job and the olympic shag-fest that might have been on offer. Can you imagine David Cameron saying that he was at Number Ten for  "...the Celebrity, the Dominion, the Legacy and the Babes..."? No, neither can anyone else. And yet, right now, Boris is all but indestructible.

Everything under Johnson's premiership would be utterly fantastic for about six months. Even better than the last six months of 1997, in Blair's 'Cool Britannia'. The alliterative 'Boris's Britain' would just be the best place in the world to live. Everyone cycling around on free bikes. No bendy buses. Congestion charges in every town to keep down pollution and encourage the fucking cycling hordes. More bloody games, no doubt, but mostly women's beach volley-ball on specially created sand-pits in every city centre. Grannies on zip-wires. Free copies of The Spectator posted through every letter box. Free blond hair dye. New laws passed to outlaw grumpiness. A new National Anthem will be sung everywhere; "Things - Can Only Get Boriser", composed by Brian Cox and performed by the newly re-formed D-ream. Every Eurocrat will be advised to Futue te ipsum. Such fun.

And then, around January 2016 after the "...smashingest, Borissy christmas ever...", the bubble will burst. Boris will be found behind the curtain in the Sapphire City (new name for London) frantically pulling levers that no longer make anything work.

Johnson: The Wizard of "Sapphire City"
PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!

You see, Boris Johnson is a brilliant campaigner. He beat Ken Livingstone in 2008 and 2012 because he knew how to run a campaign whereas Ken just knew how to run things, a skill that is just so necessary but is, to the electorate, so utterly boring. Boris's record as London Mayor is atrociously poor on real delivery of things that count. If it doesn't have an upbeat media impact, he either ignores it or relies on some other City Hall wallah to do something - anything - and then to take the blame when it's fucked. A nation of sixty million people cannot be run in that way, but it can be ruined.

Just about everyone loves Boris a little bit. Boris has a place in our hearts, our society and, somewhere, in our political system, perhaps, but that place is not at 10, Downing Street, or indeed, as an MP or in any ministry. That would only encourage him and tantalise him to look for senior office all the more. The thing to do now is to encourage Boris Johnson to look elsewhere for fulfilment. Here are ten of the Fourth Column's recommendations for his next career steps...

1) President of either the IOC or FIFA. Jacques Rogge and Sepp Blatter are even more prone to gaffes than Boris and, for all of the London Mayor's faults, he is not terminally corrupt. He can be quite 'sporty' too. And he could introduce the Eton Wall Game to the Olympics or hand the World Cup to Turkey in honour of his forebears. There are plenty of media opportunities in these roles. Right up his alley, then.

2) Archbishop of Canterbury. The Church of England needs some serious 'brand management'. Boris leans a bit toward the Christian faith and as the General Synod can't make its mind up about anything - preferring prevarication on all issues - they could do with make-or-break leadership. And if the queen should ever die, then Boris crowning either the Chazza / Camilla strain or the William / Kate option would just be the best telly ever.

3) Permanent Host of HIGNFY and ISIHAC. He's had a go at the former but not at the latter. He probably has the morals of Angus Deayton but, regrettably, neither the talent nor the comedic urbanity of Humph or Jack Dee. Still, it would keep him away from parliament and add value to the UED.

4) Governor of the Bank of England. Let's face it, just about anyone could do a better job than Mervyn King and his predecessors. Boris knows something about The City and he has a bit of a handle on tax affairs - well, those of his political enemies, anyway, as opposed to his own. And he could arrange for all UK currency notes to have his own face on them.

5) The "Boris Johnson Show". At some point (hopefully) in the near future, Jeremy Kyle will be assassinated or just fall under a bus. Step forward Boris to sort out problem families! Dave has identified about one hundred and twenty thousand of them and they can all be on the telly with Boris as he gets to the truth of why they shag their siblings. Possibly even better telly than a coronation...

6) The Diplomatic Service. If ever there was a job for Boris Johnson, it's that of Ambassador. Anywhere will do; from China to the USA to the Gambia. Even Iraq or Saudi Arabia. It would be like having Sir Christopher Meyer on acid...

7) President of the United States of America. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was born in New York, so that would fulfil the requirements of the 'Natural-Born Citizen' clause of the US Constitution for Boris as it does not for Arnie, the 'Governator'. And Boris could be a candidate for either the Republicans or the Democrats. Not only that, but he would be the most intelligent US President ever, by a factor of several hundred per cent. And both Fox News and CNN like him, so that's him elected, then, in 2016, mainly because Jon Stewart is also a fan.

"President Boris"
2040 Look-Alikey?

8) Editor of The Daily Telegraph. Ploughing the same furrow as WF Deedes, Charles Moore or Max Hastings would be a piece of piss for Boris.

9) Director of Public Prosecutions. It's unlikely that there was ever a job more suited to Boris. Recently, some worthy candidates for elected Police and Crime Commissioner jobs have had to withdraw their candidacies due to the discovery of offences committed in their youths. Simon Weston, for example, was obliged to withdraw his candicacy because he was once a passenger in a stolen car - when he was thirteen years old. A few years later, he was a decorated hero in the Falklands 'War', suffering horrendous injuries. But he got in a car with a stupid mate who'd nicked it. So he can't possibly make any further contributions to policing or society, can he? What bollocks. Anyway, there does not appear to be the same restriction on the DPP, as it's not an elected post and, besides, Boris has never been a criminal. And when he's the DPP, we will probably start hanging people again...?

10) Mayor of Liverpool. OK, perhaps not...

Boris Johnson in 2037 after twenty-five years in the HIGNFY chair...

I AM RELYING UPON ALL FOURTH COLUMNIST READERS TO DO WHATEVER THEY CAN TO STOP BORIS JOHNSON BECOMING THE UK'S PRIME MINISTER. I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THAT MIGHT EVEN INCLUDE VOTING FOR THE MILIBAND AND BALLS EDS. LIFE SUCKS...

Stop This Inept Tory Coalition Horror ("STITCH")

OK, that's quite enough now. 
Time to stop everything and start again.

Here begins the "STITCH" campaign

These people have no idea at all. I can cope with broken promises. That happens in politics, sometimes. What I can't cope with is this bunch of toffs sticking to a plan that isn't working and will not work. Ever. I've even started to listen to Ed Balls. There's a remote chance that - one day soon - I might even start listening to the other Ed and possibly even Yvette. The opposition party is beginning to look credible. I know! That's how fucking useless the coalition has become.

"Look, Nick, this is how you do a leader's salute...stop waving your hand
about like some silly leftie-liberal; oh,er... hang on a minute....

Of course, it was doomed to failure, but back in 2010 it looked like there might have been a chance that Dave and Nick could have made it work; the bromance in the rose garden, and all that, coupled with the dismissal and castigation of the useless, odious Gordie. But gradually, by degrees, the ineptitude of the coalition has been revealed. In fairness, I believe that David Cameron means well. Yes, he's a privileged toff, married to another privileged toff and their privileged toff-spring will doubtless carry on as befits their toffness. But I think he really wants to do well for the country. But he's out of touch and just a little bit thick, really, when it comes to developing policy to solve the country's woes. Osborne, on the other hand, appears not to care at all about anything other than keeping his job. But why? What's the point? His family is minted (Osborne & Little / Baronetcy etc.). If he was doing his work in the public interest rather than that of his own political ambition, then he'd stop this madness now but he seems to be ploughing the furrow of "investment for growth" with a tractor that's almost out of fuel and a share that is barely scraping the surface of the field, while in the vast acres of the public sector, he's ripping up  the crops with no other plan than years of fallow. And there's no CAP to subsidise his lunacy.

Theresa May is beset upon all sides by a media that will simply not accept that anything is right in policing or border control. Danny Alexander will forever be likened to 'Beaker' and therefore cannot ever hope to claim the necessary credibility (even if he wasn't a Liberal Democrat). Very few people - and that probably includes the Cabinet - can understand why Jeremy Hunt is still in a job. Michael Gove is, quite clearly, bonkers; if the Free Schools 'initiative' and his curriculum meddling are things to judge him by. Cable refuses to declare himself as the 'Chancellor Presumptive', when, if he had wanted to a few days ago, he could have almost walked into No. 11 Downing Street with very little fuss and some applause from the media. Lansley seems determined to kill the population by fucking up the NHS. Ken Clarke and Willaim Hague are the only two senior cabinet members that have managed to retain a little credibility but that's largely on the back of Clarke being a bit of a smoking, toping 'bloke', and Hague having a vague idea of where things are in the world at large and having not said anything incendiary, as has been the downfall of many a Foreign Secretary.

And this isn't all (for once) about the media not letting the government govern - although that remains a factor. It is tough out there when the tabloid idiots scream in three-inch caps that everything is, basically, fucked or that everything will give us cancer and do to house prices what the Republican Party in the USA did to itself when they took on Mitt Romney as their candidate for the November 2012 presidential election. But even against that backcloth of the undeniable issues of the media shit-storms that hit us regularly, the coalition is simply inept. We need an ept government and we need one now, really...so: 

THIS ALL HAS TO STOP NOW!

We have before us, these three choices...

1) Do absolutely nothing: 

This is what we usually do in Britain. Sure, we'll have a little moan and little groan and, occasionally, we might tut. Some of our senior citizens can remember hard times but really, since the aftermath of WW2, we've "never had it so good". Now we're about to have "never had it so bad" since that time. But we do nothing because there's always something that takes our minds off the approaching car crash that masquerades as our economy. Things like the queen's sodding jubilee and the bloody olympic games. What is it that makes people think that we're any better at anything than the Spanish or even the Greeks (and the answer to that is not Standard & Poors, by the way)?

Bearing in mind that at least one third of the adult population can't be arsed to vote anyway, the chances of people "doing something" is next to none. Keep calm and carry on, then. That's what we do best. Have a nice cup of tea...

That's how we deal with things here... 

....and this is how they deal with things in France (probably)

...and, then again...in Greece and Spain

2) Support the 'Eds' toward an early election

To the casual observer, even those that are only casually politicised, the Eds must appear to be unelectable. But hang on just a minute. Miliband is finding a little bit of traction. Balls has mellowed slightly. Both have some open goals to shoot at through Osborne's mindlessness and they're just taking a few paces back at the moment and look like they might be considering a Beckhamist bender rather than the usual blast at the wall. Balls's interview in the "SIndy" last weekend was measured and, here and there, self-effacing, now that he's acknowledged 'middle age'. Perhaps we won't see his belly bouncing about in the party conference press footie match ever again (please).

"You are in my power...
When I snap my fingers, you will vote for me... and you will discard Other Ed...
And I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine

Maybe we shouldn't dismiss the Eds. It's not that we should just accept that anything is better than the coalition, though. The Eds have to convince us that Labour (notice that they've dropped the "New" - that was just sooo Blair) have the policies to see us through the recession and have a sustainable economy based on jobs and the welfare state. Wanting to lock up nasty, toxic bankers and others that apparently have no morals is all well and good if you're into political hyperbole. The Eds have to have a plan that doesn't involve the dismantling of the NHS, increasing the yawning chasm between rich and poor, the creation of creationist schools and the reliance on celebrations and a happiness index. If the Eds promised to re-nationalise transport and utilities then that would be a bloody good start.

However, if you visit the Labour website, there is nothing on the pages that tells you what it is that the party and, thereby, the Eds, actually want to do, apart from garner your vote. You can look at the 'Campaigns' page and this gives you a flavour of what the Eds' "Campaign Engine Room' is busy with; all 513 campaigns. Well, it's 162, actually, it's just that some of the 162 cut across various campaign areas and so get double-counted...but that's political spin for you. About one third of their campaigns are social and political; around a quarter are economy and jobs based. The rest cover areas like Health, Education, the Family, Green issues, Justice, Britain's roles abroad and the Family. But there's nothing that just says, for example:

1) On the Economy, "Bruiser' Balls will tax the rich and give to the poor - immediately and with a brutal force not seen since Stalin.

2) On Education, Stephen Twigg will punch Michael Gove in the gob and then go back to the basics of  Comprehensive Schools. Oh, and only ten per cent of pupils at posh, private, fee-paying schools can go to Oxbridge colleges - so there! Twigg will also allow as many people as wish to, to punch Michael Gove in the gob, too, and publish their Gove-whacking on You Tube.

3) On Health, Andy Burnham will reverse every privatised element of the NHS that has been introduced since 1960 and hand over the whole thing to doctors and matrons.

4) Sadiq Khan will start wearing suede shoes and will smoke big cigars. After all, Ken isn't doing so bad, really, so there's no need to change the Justice Department leadership that much.

5) Yvette Cooper will close Britain's borders to all but essential immigrants and put back all the coppers that Theresa May got rid of...

That sort of thing...but it's not there!

So, our final choice is...

3) Organise a "British Spring" (well, an "Autumn", really, as we can't afford to wait six months, as Dave and Giddy will have completely fucked everything by then). 

On the basis that the Eds can't be relied upon (yet) to deliver a socially-reforming manifesto then I'm afraid it'll just have to be a good, old-fashioned revolution.

The trouble is, old-fashioned revolutions are so difficult to accomplish, these days, what with the UN and the ICC (that's the International Criminal Court, not the International Cricket Council - the latter has rarely done anything notable in dealing with revolutionaries, to be fair).

As we saw with "Occupy" in recent months, if you attempt to do something radical in the West, the media are all over it like a hogweed-induced, photo-sensitive rash. Doing revolutions in totalitarian states is very difficult and dangerous, but at least you will probably have the ideological backing of democratic states and, in extreme cases, political and armed support. If you live in a democracy, you're supposed to wait until there's an election, and we haven't got one looming until May 2015. That's over one thousand days of coalition crap. Nearly twenty-five thousand hours, of which you might only be asleep for seven thousand. Eighteen thousand waking hours of Osborne's ineptitude plunging the UK further into a morass of economic despair. OK, now I'm being hyperbolic...sorry.

I really tried to think of a humorous caption
for this insert but all I came up with was...

TOSSER

I love living in Britain and I love the fact that we are...at least as close at it can realistically get...in a truly democratic state. But I fear for our survivial under this adminsitration...I really do. Regular readers of this blog will understand that it's all just a little satirical and it pokes fun at anyone that deserves to be poked. But I am, honestly, panicking right now. Some form of political and democratic revolution is needed before 2012 is out.

After the £9bn waste of public and private money has been forgotten and the 'Olympians' have retreated, we will be left with the wasteland that is the UK economy and the only thing with which the coalition's spinners will have left to encourage us all will be 'Christmas'. That's how utterly shambolic it all is. And to make matters even worse, there appears to be a groundswell of opinion - Olympics-based and London-centric, of course - that Boris Johnson might be the answer. Buffoonery has never led to success. The court jesters have never delivered worthy administrations (Reagan, Bush et al). What applies to London's City Hall can never work in Downing Street and Whitehall.

So now (and I can't believe I'm writing this - but I'm desperate) we must support and campaign for Labour and the Eds. And maybe a 'David', if he could be persuaded to return.That's the Miliband one, not Beckham, by the way. Although, come to think of it...