In two weeks time, once the Olympic Games has finished shitting money into the pockets of the shareholders of Coca-Cola, McDonalds, Proctor & Gamble, Dow Chemical and the other games' 'partners'; and Team GB laments / celebrates its pathetically small / huge haul of medals, the UK will be plunged back into the morass of economic despair. That's the same morass that we never actually came out of but has been placed on temporary hold while everyone got excited about an old woman's trip on a barge down a river and lots of foreigners arrive to run about a bit, jump, swim, cycle, row and throw things.
The economic despair has been accompanied by a meteorological one, after the Eurozone's air-sucking panic over its mounting debts pulled the jet-stream southwards, then covered the UK in water and effectively cancelled our summer. By early September, when the youngsters return to a Gove-Academy-Free-School-Sponsored-by-BMW, the whole olympic media-fart will be an ugly memory but for those of us in olympic-denial, we need to get through the next two weeks relatively unscathed before everyone joins us in misery again.
1) Don't watch or listen to the BBC, and block all BBC websites on your multi-media equipment. Director-General, Mark Thomson's, parting gift to the nation is a self-serving, sycophantic, ratings-grabbing investment of millions of licence-fee payers' pounds to fawn over the 'elite' of world sport; including, no doubt, the queues of asylum-seekers that just happened to have arrived with their nation's squad. It's started already. But that's a side-show compared with the fact that all presenters on BBC radio and television have been injected with some olympic-love-potion to increase hyperbole. Top Tip: Have a bucket or some vomit bags available in case you select a BBC channel by mistake.
2) Don't leave your home. If, like me, you have sensibly hung on to the "Protect & Survive" material from the 1970s, this will help. The booklet's blurb says, "...how to make your home and your family as safe as possible under a nuclear attack". Just cross out "under a nuclear attack" and write in "during the 2012 Olympic Games" and follow the same instructions in the booklet. And if you were one of those lucky enough to have had surface-to-air missiles put on your roof, this will make the whole experience just so much more real. Top Tip: Make sure that the brown paper bags you get are big enough to fit entirely over your head and don't cut out eye-holes as that defeats the object and, frankly, is a little bit childish.
3) Read a book. It won't take too long to read "Protect & Survive" so make sure that your "Inner Refuge" is replete with appropriate books. Anything by Will Self will do. Top Tip: Take a huge dictionary in with you.
4) Prepare a bid for the 2024 Olympics for Syria on your laptop/i-pad. Istanbul, Tokyo and Madrid are already the preferred candidates for 2020 so you'll have to think well ahead, especially if Turkey was to win and you have to make a case for consecutive events in the Middle East. Prepare your material as if you were Bashar al-Assad. Assume that you will still be in power / still alive / not in jail for war-crimes in twelve years' time, and that Damascus remains your stronghold - a big plus with all of its lovely biblical history. Focus on new 'sports' for inclusion in the 2024 games in order to give your bid an edge; such as Kalashnikov Tennis, IED-in-the-sand Triple-Jump, Collateral Damage Shot Put, Civilian Diving (For Cover), Synchronised Carpet-Bombing, etc. Top Tip: Do this during the second week of the 2012 Olympics...may be a waste of time if you start this straight away...
5) Alter entries on Wikipedia. Select the Wikipedia entries for some very high profile Olympians and update them. For example, you could change Jessica Ennis's entry to show that her parents were actually Vinnie Jones and Hope Powell instead of Vinnie Ennis and Alison Powell. A few letters altered and Mark Cavendish becomes a Manx cat and he rises to prominence as a Springer spaniel; and Rebecca Adlington is a free-basing swimmer! Hours of fun. Top Tip: prepare several e-dentities and use cloud technology.
6) Get pissed and stay pissed. This is a stand-alone option (or a fall-down-alone option if successful). Care has to be taken, however. All sorts of things can happen when drunk and these may include watching some of the Olympics. But at least you're unlikely to remember it. Top Tip: Mr Tesco is knocking out some booze at silly prices and, for a small fee, will deliver direct to your "Inner Refuge".
7) Write letters or emails to your MP and to members of the Cabinet, Shadow Cabinet and the House of Lords. Basically, these are the bastards that started it all and the ones in the Coalition will be looking for the accolades when it's all over or blaming those in Opposition if it all goes tits-up. Explain in your communications that you've discovered that IOC President, Jacques Rogge, is a shape-shifting Draconoid alien reptile and all of his pals are going to descend from the mother-ship at the closing ceremony and take over the planet. Top Tip: Sign off all your mails as David Icke.
8) Set up a Twitter profile. Use the name "The Old Man of Hoy" and post photographs of your genitals (if you're a bloke and your dick is very small - otherwise just paste some small-willie pics from the web). Top Tip: To make this work, make sure the pics are either astride a racing bicycle or that an appropriate bike is in shot.
9) Telephone UK land-line numbers for loan providers. If you can't find the numbers just google Carole Vorderman. With luck, some of these companies will phone you anyway, at least ten times a day, once you've made contact with the first one and they then sell-on your details. When Shiv or Gita call you from London (Mumbai), agree to complete the process on the phone. Ideally, look for around £20,000 to buy some luxury item such as a car or a sailing dinghy. Make up a load of shit about your life and income so that you don't fail early stage credit scoring. The process should take up to three quarters of an hour - every time! At the end (just before you hand over the credit card number) tell Shiv / Gita that you've just remembered that you are independently wealthy and no more wish to borrow money than to jump into a barrel of cold monkey-vomit. If you're calling Ocean Finance, just say that you'd like to buy the Atlantic...believe me, they will still continue the process. Top Tip: If you have also selected option 6) above, then don't attempt this one.
10) As a desperate measure... if none of these ideas work for you, just go to any Olympic Venue - it really doesn't matter which one - with a six pack of Pepsi, a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and attempt to pay for access with a Delta card while waving the South Korean flag in one hand and a picture of Kim Jong Un and his lovely new wife in the other. That should get you arrested by the "Brand Police" and banged up - without trial - for at least a fortnight. Top Tip: Don't forget to ask for the 'sensory deprivation' option upon checking in at the Scrubs, as I gather that they might have telly in the nick these days and all of your hard, creative work might be undone.
Best of luck, everyone, and I'll see you on the other side...hopefully
So, here are the Fourth Column's suggestions for:
TEN THINGS TO DO (OR NOT TO DO) TO AVOID THE 2012 OLYMPICS!
1) Don't watch or listen to the BBC, and block all BBC websites on your multi-media equipment. Director-General, Mark Thomson's, parting gift to the nation is a self-serving, sycophantic, ratings-grabbing investment of millions of licence-fee payers' pounds to fawn over the 'elite' of world sport; including, no doubt, the queues of asylum-seekers that just happened to have arrived with their nation's squad. It's started already. But that's a side-show compared with the fact that all presenters on BBC radio and television have been injected with some olympic-love-potion to increase hyperbole. Top Tip: Have a bucket or some vomit bags available in case you select a BBC channel by mistake.
2) Don't leave your home. If, like me, you have sensibly hung on to the "Protect & Survive" material from the 1970s, this will help. The booklet's blurb says, "...how to make your home and your family as safe as possible under a nuclear attack". Just cross out "under a nuclear attack" and write in "during the 2012 Olympic Games" and follow the same instructions in the booklet. And if you were one of those lucky enough to have had surface-to-air missiles put on your roof, this will make the whole experience just so much more real. Top Tip: Make sure that the brown paper bags you get are big enough to fit entirely over your head and don't cut out eye-holes as that defeats the object and, frankly, is a little bit childish.
3) Read a book. It won't take too long to read "Protect & Survive" so make sure that your "Inner Refuge" is replete with appropriate books. Anything by Will Self will do. Top Tip: Take a huge dictionary in with you.
4) Prepare a bid for the 2024 Olympics for Syria on your laptop/i-pad. Istanbul, Tokyo and Madrid are already the preferred candidates for 2020 so you'll have to think well ahead, especially if Turkey was to win and you have to make a case for consecutive events in the Middle East. Prepare your material as if you were Bashar al-Assad. Assume that you will still be in power / still alive / not in jail for war-crimes in twelve years' time, and that Damascus remains your stronghold - a big plus with all of its lovely biblical history. Focus on new 'sports' for inclusion in the 2024 games in order to give your bid an edge; such as Kalashnikov Tennis, IED-in-the-sand Triple-Jump, Collateral Damage Shot Put, Civilian Diving (For Cover), Synchronised Carpet-Bombing, etc. Top Tip: Do this during the second week of the 2012 Olympics...may be a waste of time if you start this straight away...
5) Alter entries on Wikipedia. Select the Wikipedia entries for some very high profile Olympians and update them. For example, you could change Jessica Ennis's entry to show that her parents were actually Vinnie Jones and Hope Powell instead of Vinnie Ennis and Alison Powell. A few letters altered and Mark Cavendish becomes a Manx cat and he rises to prominence as a Springer spaniel; and Rebecca Adlington is a free-basing swimmer! Hours of fun. Top Tip: prepare several e-dentities and use cloud technology.
6) Get pissed and stay pissed. This is a stand-alone option (or a fall-down-alone option if successful). Care has to be taken, however. All sorts of things can happen when drunk and these may include watching some of the Olympics. But at least you're unlikely to remember it. Top Tip: Mr Tesco is knocking out some booze at silly prices and, for a small fee, will deliver direct to your "Inner Refuge".
7) Write letters or emails to your MP and to members of the Cabinet, Shadow Cabinet and the House of Lords. Basically, these are the bastards that started it all and the ones in the Coalition will be looking for the accolades when it's all over or blaming those in Opposition if it all goes tits-up. Explain in your communications that you've discovered that IOC President, Jacques Rogge, is a shape-shifting Draconoid alien reptile and all of his pals are going to descend from the mother-ship at the closing ceremony and take over the planet. Top Tip: Sign off all your mails as David Icke.
8) Set up a Twitter profile. Use the name "The Old Man of Hoy" and post photographs of your genitals (if you're a bloke and your dick is very small - otherwise just paste some small-willie pics from the web). Top Tip: To make this work, make sure the pics are either astride a racing bicycle or that an appropriate bike is in shot.
9) Telephone UK land-line numbers for loan providers. If you can't find the numbers just google Carole Vorderman. With luck, some of these companies will phone you anyway, at least ten times a day, once you've made contact with the first one and they then sell-on your details. When Shiv or Gita call you from London (Mumbai), agree to complete the process on the phone. Ideally, look for around £20,000 to buy some luxury item such as a car or a sailing dinghy. Make up a load of shit about your life and income so that you don't fail early stage credit scoring. The process should take up to three quarters of an hour - every time! At the end (just before you hand over the credit card number) tell Shiv / Gita that you've just remembered that you are independently wealthy and no more wish to borrow money than to jump into a barrel of cold monkey-vomit. If you're calling Ocean Finance, just say that you'd like to buy the Atlantic...believe me, they will still continue the process. Top Tip: If you have also selected option 6) above, then don't attempt this one.
10) As a desperate measure... if none of these ideas work for you, just go to any Olympic Venue - it really doesn't matter which one - with a six pack of Pepsi, a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and attempt to pay for access with a Delta card while waving the South Korean flag in one hand and a picture of Kim Jong Un and his lovely new wife in the other. That should get you arrested by the "Brand Police" and banged up - without trial - for at least a fortnight. Top Tip: Don't forget to ask for the 'sensory deprivation' option upon checking in at the Scrubs, as I gather that they might have telly in the nick these days and all of your hard, creative work might be undone.
Best of luck, everyone, and I'll see you on the other side...hopefully
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