Boris Johnson; A Future Prime Minister?
| "No, old chap...this is MY house, actually, so you can't deposit your helmet in the hall; that's either helmet, by the way" |
Say the word "Boris", and about ninety five per cent of people in London will immediately associate it with "Johnson" and that percentage only drops to eighty outside of the capital. Apart from people that have never heard of Johnson, the "Boris" alternatives are limited, anyway. Older folk might think about Karloff, tennis fans of Becker, chess-players of Spassky, arty-farty types of Pasternak and ageing, vodka-soaked communists of Yeltsin. But here and now, in Britain during the Olympic Summer...there's only one Boris.
Boris is, naturally, playing the "long game" by denying that he has any interest in the job of Prime Minister. The "long game" in British politics lasts only a few weeks so it's likely that he'll declare that interest just as soon as the olympic games have been completed without any disasters and with a medal haul of unprecedented proportion for the home nation that, of course, will be down to the mayor of the host city.
Take two men; one (boringly) called Dave and the other, (tantalisingly) called Boris. Both attended Eton, were members of the exclusive Bullingdon Club and went to Oxford colleges before spending some time in media and political careers. Dave's family is very wealthy; in part due to his wife being the daughter of a baronet and being employed by a business that knocks out handbags at £1,500 a throw (and throws at £1,500 a knock, probably). Boris's family are third generation immigrants from Turkey but with impeccable post-imperial and intellectual credentials. Both men have sons called Arthur. Both men became MPs in 2001, but the Turkish one eschewed this role in 2008 to become the Mayor of London. The quintessentially English one stuck with the mainstream political task and, somehow, became Prime Minister.
Unfortunately for Dave, he became PM at precisely the time that nobody with any political ambition should have taken on the job. The previous incumbent had become unelectable; largely because he was a complete arsehole and the country's economy had been totally fucked by...well, everything. Not just by bankers. So Dave should have been a shoe-in but he screwed up a bit and ended up having to broker and share a deal with some Liberal Democrat bloke in order to form a quasi-majority in the Commons. Nobody can remember the Liberal Democrat bloke's name, as he rose to the office of Deputy Prime Minister without the slightest trace. His name may have been Nigel...or Norman Clark...or Nicholas, er...no matter.
Boris looked on from City Hall in 2010 as Dave struggled to form a government and thought..."This is good. Let there be no light on this coalition. Let it flounder for a few years. Let the people look for a Messiah. I will deliver all that the mob requires. Entertainment! Circus Maximus! They will look upon Dave and despise him. They will look upon me and desire me..." And Boris knew that a precedent had already been set by "Ken the Red", in that a Mayor could hold that office and yet still be a Member of Parliament - for at least a year. And Boris thought some more..."I will ride on the back of my Circus. I will re-enter Parliament in 2014 and I will smite the Cameronites and the Osbornists. I will lead the people out of their madness and anger through my innate charm, blondness and my facility with Latin. They will look upon my works (and though they be not mighty) they will still despair...my name may not be 'Ozymandias, King of Kings', but that's just a small detail that can be sorted out by a deed poll, I imagine."
All that apart, what would it be like if Boris ascended to the office of PM?
There have been several "Oh! Shit!" moments in British politics since WW2. The Profumo affair; Macmillan's "Night of the Long Knives"; The Winter of Discontent; Thatcher's eleven years of screwing the poor; Blair's wars; and "Incapability" Brown, to mention just a few. All of those and more would be eclipsed by Johnson becoming PM.
His unsinkable enthusiasm and his carefully-staged buffoonery are infectious. His media image and popularity ratings are ahead of just about any public figure ever, in the history of politics (including Kim Jong Il). He's funny, eloquent and often dashing. He rides a bike and is helping others to ride bikes for free (and only occasionally do the riders get killed by Olympic buses). He can dangle on a zip-wire for minutes on end and, where all other politicos would have been pilloried, he walked away a hero. And there are next to no old bones at all in any of his closets that haven't been chewed on by the tabloids already. He's a "bit of lad", isn't he? "Bonking Boris"was a tabloid title awarded to Becker but Boris has usurped it. "I'm here for the fame, the power and the women", he is alleged to have said this year regarding his job and the olympic shag-fest that might have been on offer. Can you imagine David Cameron saying that he was at Number Ten for "...the Celebrity, the Dominion, the Legacy and the Babes..."? No, neither can anyone else. And yet, right now, Boris is all but indestructible.
Everything under Johnson's premiership would be utterly fantastic for about six months. Even better than the last six months of 1997, in Blair's 'Cool Britannia'. The alliterative 'Boris's Britain' would just be the best place in the world to live. Everyone cycling around on free bikes. No bendy buses. Congestion charges in every town to keep down pollution and encourage the fucking cycling hordes. More bloody games, no doubt, but mostly women's beach volley-ball on specially created sand-pits in every city centre. Grannies on zip-wires. Free copies of The Spectator posted through every letter box. Free blond hair dye. New laws passed to outlaw grumpiness. A new National Anthem will be sung everywhere; "Things - Can Only Get Boriser", composed by Brian Cox and performed by the newly re-formed D-ream. Every Eurocrat will be advised to Futue te ipsum. Such fun.
And then, around January 2016 after the "...smashingest, Borissy christmas ever...", the bubble will burst. Boris will be found behind the curtain in the Sapphire City (new name for London) frantically pulling levers that no longer make anything work.
You see, Boris Johnson is a brilliant campaigner. He beat Ken Livingstone in 2008 and 2012 because he knew how to run a campaign whereas Ken just knew how to run things, a skill that is just so necessary but is, to the electorate, so utterly boring. Boris's record as London Mayor is atrociously poor on real delivery of things that count. If it doesn't have an upbeat media impact, he either ignores it or relies on some other City Hall wallah to do something - anything - and then to take the blame when it's fucked. A nation of sixty million people cannot be run in that way, but it can be ruined.
Just about everyone loves Boris a little bit. Boris has a place in our hearts, our society and, somewhere, in our political system, perhaps, but that place is not at 10, Downing Street, or indeed, as an MP or in any ministry. That would only encourage him and tantalise him to look for senior office all the more. The thing to do now is to encourage Boris Johnson to look elsewhere for fulfilment. Here are ten of the Fourth Column's recommendations for his next career steps...
1) President of either the IOC or FIFA. Jacques Rogge and Sepp Blatter are even more prone to gaffes than Boris and, for all of the London Mayor's faults, he is not terminally corrupt. He can be quite 'sporty' too. And he could introduce the Eton Wall Game to the Olympics or hand the World Cup to Turkey in honour of his forebears. There are plenty of media opportunities in these roles. Right up his alley, then.
2) Archbishop of Canterbury. The Church of England needs some serious 'brand management'. Boris leans a bit toward the Christian faith and as the General Synod can't make its mind up about anything - preferring prevarication on all issues - they could do with make-or-break leadership. And if the queen should ever die, then Boris crowning either the Chazza / Camilla strain or the William / Kate option would just be the best telly ever.
3) Permanent Host of HIGNFY and ISIHAC. He's had a go at the former but not at the latter. He probably has the morals of Angus Deayton but, regrettably, neither the talent nor the comedic urbanity of Humph or Jack Dee. Still, it would keep him away from parliament and add value to the UED.
4) Governor of the Bank of England. Let's face it, just about anyone could do a better job than Mervyn King and his predecessors. Boris knows something about The City and he has a bit of a handle on tax affairs - well, those of his political enemies, anyway, as opposed to his own. And he could arrange for all UK currency notes to have his own face on them.
5) The "Boris Johnson Show". At some point (hopefully) in the near future, Jeremy Kyle will be assassinated or just fall under a bus. Step forward Boris to sort out problem families! Dave has identified about one hundred and twenty thousand of them and they can all be on the telly with Boris as he gets to the truth of why they shag their siblings. Possibly even better telly than a coronation...
6) The Diplomatic Service. If ever there was a job for Boris Johnson, it's that of Ambassador. Anywhere will do; from China to the USA to the Gambia. Even Iraq or Saudi Arabia. It would be like having Sir Christopher Meyer on acid...
7) President of the United States of America. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was born in New York, so that would fulfil the requirements of the 'Natural-Born Citizen' clause of the US Constitution for Boris as it does not for Arnie, the 'Governator'. And Boris could be a candidate for either the Republicans or the Democrats. Not only that, but he would be the most intelligent US President ever, by a factor of several hundred per cent. And both Fox News and CNN like him, so that's him elected, then, in 2016, mainly because Jon Stewart is also a fan.
8) Editor of The Daily Telegraph. Ploughing the same furrow as WF Deedes, Charles Moore or Max Hastings would be a piece of piss for Boris.
9) Director of Public Prosecutions. It's unlikely that there was ever a job more suited to Boris. Recently, some worthy candidates for elected Police and Crime Commissioner jobs have had to withdraw their candidacies due to the discovery of offences committed in their youths. Simon Weston, for example, was obliged to withdraw his candicacy because he was once a passenger in a stolen car - when he was thirteen years old. A few years later, he was a decorated hero in the Falklands 'War', suffering horrendous injuries. But he got in a car with a stupid mate who'd nicked it. So he can't possibly make any further contributions to policing or society, can he? What bollocks. Anyway, there does not appear to be the same restriction on the DPP, as it's not an elected post and, besides, Boris has never been a criminal. And when he's the DPP, we will probably start hanging people again...?
10) Mayor of Liverpool. OK, perhaps not...
Boris is, naturally, playing the "long game" by denying that he has any interest in the job of Prime Minister. The "long game" in British politics lasts only a few weeks so it's likely that he'll declare that interest just as soon as the olympic games have been completed without any disasters and with a medal haul of unprecedented proportion for the home nation that, of course, will be down to the mayor of the host city.
Take two men; one (boringly) called Dave and the other, (tantalisingly) called Boris. Both attended Eton, were members of the exclusive Bullingdon Club and went to Oxford colleges before spending some time in media and political careers. Dave's family is very wealthy; in part due to his wife being the daughter of a baronet and being employed by a business that knocks out handbags at £1,500 a throw (and throws at £1,500 a knock, probably). Boris's family are third generation immigrants from Turkey but with impeccable post-imperial and intellectual credentials. Both men have sons called Arthur. Both men became MPs in 2001, but the Turkish one eschewed this role in 2008 to become the Mayor of London. The quintessentially English one stuck with the mainstream political task and, somehow, became Prime Minister.
Unfortunately for Dave, he became PM at precisely the time that nobody with any political ambition should have taken on the job. The previous incumbent had become unelectable; largely because he was a complete arsehole and the country's economy had been totally fucked by...well, everything. Not just by bankers. So Dave should have been a shoe-in but he screwed up a bit and ended up having to broker and share a deal with some Liberal Democrat bloke in order to form a quasi-majority in the Commons. Nobody can remember the Liberal Democrat bloke's name, as he rose to the office of Deputy Prime Minister without the slightest trace. His name may have been Nigel...or Norman Clark...or Nicholas, er...no matter.
| Cameron thinks: "I'm sure I recognise this chap that's speaking. I keep seeing him around the place. Don't think he went to Eton; so he can't be a cabinet colleague. I must get Ozzie to find out who he is..." |
All that apart, what would it be like if Boris ascended to the office of PM?
There have been several "Oh! Shit!" moments in British politics since WW2. The Profumo affair; Macmillan's "Night of the Long Knives"; The Winter of Discontent; Thatcher's eleven years of screwing the poor; Blair's wars; and "Incapability" Brown, to mention just a few. All of those and more would be eclipsed by Johnson becoming PM.
His unsinkable enthusiasm and his carefully-staged buffoonery are infectious. His media image and popularity ratings are ahead of just about any public figure ever, in the history of politics (including Kim Jong Il). He's funny, eloquent and often dashing. He rides a bike and is helping others to ride bikes for free (and only occasionally do the riders get killed by Olympic buses). He can dangle on a zip-wire for minutes on end and, where all other politicos would have been pilloried, he walked away a hero. And there are next to no old bones at all in any of his closets that haven't been chewed on by the tabloids already. He's a "bit of lad", isn't he? "Bonking Boris"was a tabloid title awarded to Becker but Boris has usurped it. "I'm here for the fame, the power and the women", he is alleged to have said this year regarding his job and the olympic shag-fest that might have been on offer. Can you imagine David Cameron saying that he was at Number Ten for "...the Celebrity, the Dominion, the Legacy and the Babes..."? No, neither can anyone else. And yet, right now, Boris is all but indestructible.
Everything under Johnson's premiership would be utterly fantastic for about six months. Even better than the last six months of 1997, in Blair's 'Cool Britannia'. The alliterative 'Boris's Britain' would just be the best place in the world to live. Everyone cycling around on free bikes. No bendy buses. Congestion charges in every town to keep down pollution and encourage the fucking cycling hordes. More bloody games, no doubt, but mostly women's beach volley-ball on specially created sand-pits in every city centre. Grannies on zip-wires. Free copies of The Spectator posted through every letter box. Free blond hair dye. New laws passed to outlaw grumpiness. A new National Anthem will be sung everywhere; "Things - Can Only Get Boriser", composed by Brian Cox and performed by the newly re-formed D-ream. Every Eurocrat will be advised to Futue te ipsum. Such fun.
And then, around January 2016 after the "...smashingest, Borissy christmas ever...", the bubble will burst. Boris will be found behind the curtain in the Sapphire City (new name for London) frantically pulling levers that no longer make anything work.
| Johnson: The Wizard of "Sapphire City" PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! |
You see, Boris Johnson is a brilliant campaigner. He beat Ken Livingstone in 2008 and 2012 because he knew how to run a campaign whereas Ken just knew how to run things, a skill that is just so necessary but is, to the electorate, so utterly boring. Boris's record as London Mayor is atrociously poor on real delivery of things that count. If it doesn't have an upbeat media impact, he either ignores it or relies on some other City Hall wallah to do something - anything - and then to take the blame when it's fucked. A nation of sixty million people cannot be run in that way, but it can be ruined.
Just about everyone loves Boris a little bit. Boris has a place in our hearts, our society and, somewhere, in our political system, perhaps, but that place is not at 10, Downing Street, or indeed, as an MP or in any ministry. That would only encourage him and tantalise him to look for senior office all the more. The thing to do now is to encourage Boris Johnson to look elsewhere for fulfilment. Here are ten of the Fourth Column's recommendations for his next career steps...
1) President of either the IOC or FIFA. Jacques Rogge and Sepp Blatter are even more prone to gaffes than Boris and, for all of the London Mayor's faults, he is not terminally corrupt. He can be quite 'sporty' too. And he could introduce the Eton Wall Game to the Olympics or hand the World Cup to Turkey in honour of his forebears. There are plenty of media opportunities in these roles. Right up his alley, then.
2) Archbishop of Canterbury. The Church of England needs some serious 'brand management'. Boris leans a bit toward the Christian faith and as the General Synod can't make its mind up about anything - preferring prevarication on all issues - they could do with make-or-break leadership. And if the queen should ever die, then Boris crowning either the Chazza / Camilla strain or the William / Kate option would just be the best telly ever.
3) Permanent Host of HIGNFY and ISIHAC. He's had a go at the former but not at the latter. He probably has the morals of Angus Deayton but, regrettably, neither the talent nor the comedic urbanity of Humph or Jack Dee. Still, it would keep him away from parliament and add value to the UED.
4) Governor of the Bank of England. Let's face it, just about anyone could do a better job than Mervyn King and his predecessors. Boris knows something about The City and he has a bit of a handle on tax affairs - well, those of his political enemies, anyway, as opposed to his own. And he could arrange for all UK currency notes to have his own face on them.
5) The "Boris Johnson Show". At some point (hopefully) in the near future, Jeremy Kyle will be assassinated or just fall under a bus. Step forward Boris to sort out problem families! Dave has identified about one hundred and twenty thousand of them and they can all be on the telly with Boris as he gets to the truth of why they shag their siblings. Possibly even better telly than a coronation...
6) The Diplomatic Service. If ever there was a job for Boris Johnson, it's that of Ambassador. Anywhere will do; from China to the USA to the Gambia. Even Iraq or Saudi Arabia. It would be like having Sir Christopher Meyer on acid...
7) President of the United States of America. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was born in New York, so that would fulfil the requirements of the 'Natural-Born Citizen' clause of the US Constitution for Boris as it does not for Arnie, the 'Governator'. And Boris could be a candidate for either the Republicans or the Democrats. Not only that, but he would be the most intelligent US President ever, by a factor of several hundred per cent. And both Fox News and CNN like him, so that's him elected, then, in 2016, mainly because Jon Stewart is also a fan.
| "President Boris" 2040 Look-Alikey? |
9) Director of Public Prosecutions. It's unlikely that there was ever a job more suited to Boris. Recently, some worthy candidates for elected Police and Crime Commissioner jobs have had to withdraw their candidacies due to the discovery of offences committed in their youths. Simon Weston, for example, was obliged to withdraw his candicacy because he was once a passenger in a stolen car - when he was thirteen years old. A few years later, he was a decorated hero in the Falklands 'War', suffering horrendous injuries. But he got in a car with a stupid mate who'd nicked it. So he can't possibly make any further contributions to policing or society, can he? What bollocks. Anyway, there does not appear to be the same restriction on the DPP, as it's not an elected post and, besides, Boris has never been a criminal. And when he's the DPP, we will probably start hanging people again...?
10) Mayor of Liverpool. OK, perhaps not...
| Boris Johnson in 2037 after twenty-five years in the HIGNFY chair... |
I AM RELYING UPON ALL FOURTH COLUMNIST READERS TO DO WHATEVER THEY CAN TO STOP BORIS JOHNSON BECOMING THE UK'S PRIME MINISTER. I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THAT MIGHT EVEN INCLUDE VOTING FOR THE MILIBAND AND BALLS EDS. LIFE SUCKS...
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