ALTER EGOS: An Exclusive Revelation

Tory Party co-chairman, Grant Shapps, thinks it's "normal practice" to pretend to be somebody else.

In his case, he was Michael Green, an internet entrepreneur with a business "...worth £17m...", trying to hawk his HowToCorp business guides to stupid people that think they can get rich quick. For a measly $497, idiots could buy Shapps' guff that promised to earn them $1,000 a day. Shapps, masquerading as millionaire web guru Green, carried on this activity while serving as an MP and attending shadow cabinet as the Tories were in opposition a few years ago. He even attended a conference in the US and wore a "Michael Green" name badge.

"Hello, Mr Green..."
"Hello, Mr Cameron, would you like to buy some
shit that'll make you $20,000 in 20 days?"
"No thanks, Mr Green, I'm obscenely wealthy already."

How can this be "normal" practice? What possible reasons did Shapps have for not selling HowToCorp as himself? Let's speculate. Could it be that the guides were just bollocks and he didn't want his reputation damaged? Or perhaps he didn't want his constituents or his party knowing what he was doing in his spare time. Whatever the reason, how can any politician that hides his real identity while conducting business be trusted?

Curiously, the Director of Capital at Michael Gove's Education Funding Agency (who has been instructed to save 30% on school building expenditure by making schools 15% smaller) is called...Michael Green. Has anybody told Gove that Shapps is moonlighting at the quango? 

Using intensive and exhaustive research methods (makingshitup.com) I can reveal here, exclusively, the alter egos of other well-known people. These shocking revelations of double lives being lived by the great and the good will rock the Establishment...

David Cameron

While studying (smashing up restaurants) at Eton, Cameron became enthralled with the New Romantic movement. Inspired by Spandau Ballet, he formed a band called Buchenwald Ballroom with alumni Jacob Rees-Mogg and Hugh Fairly-Witlessballs. The band's one and only single, "Maggie, May: 1979" and the B-side, "Isn't Rotherham Shite and Full of Oiky Poor People?", rose up the charts without a trace in 1984. The BBs still perform to this day with Cameron on keyboards, Rees-Mogg on maracas and Witlessballs on the aga. They are available for weddings (royal) and funerals but, oddly enough, not bar-mitzvahs. Cameron's alter ego stage name is Simeon Le Mal, Rees-Mogg performs as Jake Le Peg and Witlessballs as Hugh A. Hoodie.

George Osborne

The Chancellor of the Exchequer is right up there with Shapps when it comes to wierd entrepreneurship. He has a little sideline called Walter's Wet Jobs. Posing as Walter Wee, you can hire Osborne to piss all over you and your mates from a great height. So, not much difference to the day job then.

Nick Clegg

When he's not being ignored by everyone, Nick gets his kicks as Alf the Apologist, cage-fighter extraordinaire. In seedy basement clubs in Tunbridge Wells and Guildford, Nick dons his gimp suit and attempts to kick the living shit out of all-comers. In his eighty-seven bouts he has won less then one. After each one, he makes a little video from his hospital bed apologising to punters for pledging to win and failing to do so...again. He was going to call himself Nicolas Cage but it seems there were image rights issues...

Piers Morgan

Morgan's alter ego has a real battle with the actual Morgan ego which, as we've all realised, is about the size of a super nova. As His Supreme Majesty, King Piers I, monarch of Morgania, the much- and rightly-maligned self publicist has invented a country all of his own in his tiny brain-space and he is the alternately benign and malignant ruler in order that his alter ego has an alter ego all of its own too. Morgania is populated exclsuively by celebrities whose life stories King Piers recounts to the delight of the rest.
 

Ant and/or Dec

The chirpy geordie dwarfs are well know for fronting totally shite TV for lots of money. What we didn't know was that for two weeks every year, the duo swap their wealth and stardom to front totally shite TV in the world's newest state, South Sudan. As Ony and/or Lan, the pair present the SSTV prime time quiz show, White or Black, where Sudanese viewers choose between things that are black and things that are white with prizes such as a pale of water and a grain of rice. Ony and Lan are Sudanese words for talentless and twat.

You couldn't make all of this up, could you? Well, you could, actually, because I just did....