ED MILIBAND ISN'T AS USELESS AS I THOUGHT...



On 1 April this year I posted that Ed Miliband was useless.

Obviously, Ed read my blog and has spent the last six months working on his appearence, voice, personality, faith and political beliefs and the result was today's speech to the Labour Party conference. If he dumps the Tories on their collective arses in 2015, then the "One Nation" of the UK will have me to thank, and in no small measure. Well done then; me and Ed.
 

Careful not to be "Red Ed", he wore a purplish tie for his keynote speech. He arrived with his wife, talked a lot about his mum and even brought his old English teacher (Mr Dunn) from his comprehensive school, just in case nobody believed that he went to one. After about fifteen minutes, I kind of realised that Miliband wasn't going to do any Jimmy Savile jokes so that was another £10 wasted with BetFred. Eddie Izzard could hardly contain himself all the way through the sixty-five minutes of the noteless, flawless, walking-about address to conference and kept doing his own standing ovations every time Ed mentioned "One Nation" (43 times) or how utterly contemptible was the Tory "shower", who did everything on the back of an envelope.

Two Labour Pensioners and their long-suffering
carer at the Manchester Conference today

Ed loved the Tory-bashing bits, didn't he? Despite being predictable, the jibes were funny, well-delivered and, most importantly, well-received. We had the Grant Shapps false name: "...after all, if I was co-chair of the Tory Party, I'd want to do it under a false name, too..." We also had a passing reference to a chief whip that calls policemen plebs (denied - stand by for law suit?). But the best bit was all the millionaires about to get a cheque from David Cameron for £40,000 next April. OK, not strictly true as almost all of the three hundred thousand or more millionaires in the UK qualify as such through assets rather than the income that would drive such a tax windfall with the reduction of the higher rate to 45%. However, the killer point was that Cameron would be wirting himelf a cheque and there's simply no denying that one. And there was a lovely little dig at the farcical incompetence of the Prime Minister over the cabinet shuffle last month when Lord Hill (Minister of State in Gove's Education Department) attempted to resign at a meeting but Cameron didn't hear him and he was left in post. The economy was an easy target, so he went for it, finishing with the old chestnut "...if the medicine isn't working, you have to change the medicine..." and following that up with changing the doctor while he was on.

"Yeah..so I said to Cameron, 'you can stick this job
up your fucking arse, mate' and you know what? The
bastard just ignores me and I have to work with that
twat Gove for another two years...you couldn't
fucking make it up, could you?"

In brief, on policy matters, Ed will sort out the banks through legislation if they don't do it themselves, offering them the "easy way or the hard way", like some cop from The Sweeney. He will also deal with the "forgotten 50%" of young people that don't go to university - a bit patronising, that, I thought, not being a graduate myself. However, the Technical Baccalaureate seems promising and although he didn't use these actual words, it was clear that Ed thinks Michael Gove is a total fuckwit. After education came immigration and the outlawing of cheap labour from Eastern Europe and rounding-up and shooting of gangmasters (my pencil broke during that bit, so I may be paraphrasing). Alex Salmond will not be allowed to have his own country under Ed's watch, either. After all, there were no Scots cheering on Andy Murray or Chris Hoy during the Olympics because they were Scottish, now were there? Oh, no...they were cheering on Team GB! Maybe. Anyway, fuck off, Salmond, you can't have Scotland, said Ed (second pencil broke at that point so I'm just giving you the gist). And Ed will end the free-market in the NHS and repeal the Lansley / Hunt bill because...everyone join in now..."You can't trust the Tories with the N...H...S!" Well, it's true, you just can't; and that's a fact.

No you can't. Fuck off.

At one point, even Len McLuskey was seen to be smiling and clapping. The cameras couldn't find Mark Serwotka, who was probably either not there in the hall or was scowling at the back and plotting a general strike followed by a revolution. There wasn't really any good news for the unions or the public sector in general. It's "jobs before pay" and the puiblic sector has to sharpen itself up (like my pencils didn't) and only give contracts to private sector outfits that train properly and do apprenticeships. So back came a reference to "Producers not Predators" from last year's conference address but it played OK.

The "One Nation" theme seemed to resonate, despite (or maybe because of) it having been used by so many politicians over the years. Ed reminded us that Disraeli used it in 1882 at the Free Trade Hall in Manchester during a three hour speech and then there was Asquith, Attlee, Major, Blair even, and Cameron himself that have used it. But Ed's "One Nation" will be different. It will be based on Ed's "faith", which is not a religious faith but a "duty" to "leave the world a better place than he found it", and to "ease the struggles of others". Cameron, on the other hand, has created "Two Nations", one for his elite,  rich, privileged, privately educated chums and the other for the rest of us scum.

The Prime Minister hears about
the latest unemployment figures
after eating some lovely roast swan

Vox-pops after the speech were mostly positive. Ed's OK. Nine and a half out of ten. Possibly even a tiny bit prime-ministerial? Even Alastair Campbell tweeted support...

What was missing? Loads...but we're two and a half years away from the next general election so that's understandable. However, it would have been nice if Ed had gone along with my suggestions and tipped his hat to the Dissolution of the Monarchy, the Separation of Church and State, the Abolition of the House of Lords and a lifetime ban from television for Ant and/or Dec. Maybe next conference, then...

The Tories are in Birmingham next week. I think Cameron will have to stage something special to follow Miliband. And I never, not in a month of Sundays, thought I'd write that sentence.

"Phew! I think I got away with that, Justine..."
"Yeah, babe, fancy a quickie before the press scrum?"

VOTE
LABOUR

(IN 2015)

I know it's a long way off.

I'll do some reminders nearer

the time, then...eh?