Parent Licensing

I learn today of some extraordinary draft legislation...if Steve Hilton's ideas about Parent training don't work (and they won't), then this stuff will be enacted...

Parent Licensing Act - 2012:

Before attempting to become pregnant, a government-issue licence must be obtained by both the prospective father and the prospective mother, independently. The licence will only be valid for the progeny of these two people, jointly, and is not transferrable. The licence will be valid for two years and covers the prospective parents for one child only.

The licences will be issued upon the parents both passing the Parent Licensing Act aptitude test. This is a simple test that must be completed in person at one of the appropriate government-approved licensing offices. The test will be based upon psychometric profiling but can only be completed by applicants if they pass the pre-test questionnaire: All the following questions must be answered 'NO' to qualify for the Licensing Test:

1) Are you illiterate? 

(That should stop a number of unsuitable people getting beyond Q1).

2) Is your BMI over 35?

3) Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offence?

4) Are you unemployed?

5) Is your alcohol intake in excess of 30 units a week?

6) Have you ever used illegal drugs?

7) Have you had sex with more than ten different partners?

8) Do you believe in God?

9) Are you a monarchist?

10) Do you already have children?

If any applicant is discovered to have lied in the pre-test questionnaire, they may never apply for a child licence, ever.

Only three applications can be made during any lifetime, regardless of whether successful joint applications fail to achieve pregnancy within the two period of the licence.

This is a very straightforward legislative approach to containment of population and the reduction of the unsustainable benefits bill faced by governments in the UK and must not be confused with eugenics, really... It also deals with the whole secularisation thing and should lead to the establishment of a secular republic within a generation. 

However, due to human beings' propensity to have unprotected sex and, on the basis that even after the Act has been passed, they will probably continue to do so without the necessary licence, then a series of legal sanctions must be made available to the authorities:

a) If a woman becomes pregnant without a licence (even if the man has a licence, or she has a licence and the man doesn't) then the pregnancy will be terminated, free of charge. Terminations can only take place up to 20 weeks into the pregnancy. Both the woman and the man will be allowed only one unlicensed pregnancy; after all, mistakes happen, and this isn't a totalitarian, police state (well, maybe it is, a bit). If they have another unlicensed pregnancy either together of with other partners, they will be banned for life from applying for a license.

b) In the event that the woman doesn't 'fess-up to being up the duff, and is discovered to being pregnant, both she and the man will be banned from applying for a licence for life. 

c) A 'Pregnancy Grass-Up Hotline' will be established for informants to let the authorities know if a person has become pregnant and they suspect that this may have occurred without a license. Substantial rewards will be offered for grassing-up an unlicensed pregnancy.

d) In the event that an unlicensed pregnancy continues undetected and goes beyond the 20 week termination deadline, the woman is allowed to go full term. (The license must be produced at the government birthing-stations). Once the unlicensed child has been born it will be removed from the mother and offered for adoption to licensed parents that have used all three licenses but have failed to produce a child. That's only fair, isn't it? I mean, they qualified, after all, but just couldn't get there. If no suitable adoptive parents can be found then the child will go to Madonna, or Angelina Jolie. The natural mother and the father will be banned from applying for a license for life and, under no circumstances whatsoever will they ever, ever get a council house, OK?

Apparently, this will be in the Queen's Speech next year...