Mary Portas, or "Queen of Shops" as she has been tagged, was asked last year by the Coalition Government to advise on our retail trade which, if we are to believe reports or perhaps just our eyes, is in decline. Some would have us think that retail, if it were a patient in a cash-strapped hospital, would have the words "Do Not Resusitate" hung over its bed for the moment when the last shop closes on the high street.
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| Portas - Havant A Clue? |
As usual, there are different stories the country over and - no surprises here - the more affluent the community the less boarded-up outlets on the shopping streets. But that doesn't bother La Portas one little bit. No, because like all the other 'Celebrity Politicians', she's a one-trick pony and for her, what she thinks works in Kensington's or Chipping Norton's vibrant high streets will do equally well for the terminal decline of retail in Gosport or Rotherham. Except it won't, of course. And that doesn't matter to Dave or Giddy because they've got a headline. And a positive headline too. Government "thinking outside of the box" sort of thing. I mean, why should the Coalition even consider asking real retail experts when they can hire the likes of Portas, a "TV Personality" regardless of whether she knows anything at all.
Tony Blair liked to be surrounded by 'Slebs'. From almost his first day at No.10, the great, the good and bloody awful from the worlds of sport and entertainment were invited to the PM's house for drinkies and photo-opportunities. The thing with New Labour, though, was that although they might have basked in the reflected ingloriousness of Bono or Noel Gallagher, actual policy and subsequent legislation were not influenced by their opinions. Millbank was ever the seat of power for New Labour. Even real Celeb experts failed to influence; Lord Sugar of CPC464 being the prime example. He quite clearly didn't realise that he was window-dressing until it was too late for his reputation to recover.
These days, the Coalition has done well at avoiding the Celeb trap but there are signs that the usual mid-term idiocy is on its way; Portas being their prime example thus far. It can only get worse as the Conservaral Libertive agendas make less and less impact and the need to deflect the public becomes greater once the bloody Olympics and the horror of the Queen's diamond jubilee are out of the way and everyone returns to the tawdriness of life in asterity.
To save everyone the time and trouble of speculation on what a "Cabinet of All the Celebrity Talent" will look like when our Secretaries of State and senior Ministers get their star support, this is what we've got to look forward to:
The Prime Minsiter, David Cameron: Dave will be teamed up with Ian Hislop. The diminutive editor of Private Eye isn't, in the true sense of today's mad culture, a celebrity, but a serious journalist with a satrirical sense. It would be demeaning to the highest office of state then to have a proper Celeb so Hislop is the ideal candidate.
The Deputy Prime Minsiter, Nick Clegg: Nick needs a bit of a boost so he gets two for the price of one. Yes! It's Jedward! The terminally dim Irish duo can only add to the profile of the Office of the Deputy PM which, thereafter, will be known as the Jedwegg...
Secretary of State for Foreign & Commonwealth Affairs, William Hague: Tempting though it may be put globe- and solar system-trotter Richard Branson into the FCO with his universal knowledge of all things foreign, Hague has to be joined by another professional Yorkshireman that might be able to drink fourteen pints in a session and has the added cachet of being gay. Step up the GLA...David Hockney. The UK's foreign policy may then begin and end at Bridlington, but that's no bad thing.
Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne: The inconvenient truth is that nobody actually wants to work with the privileged toff, Osborne, so we'll need someone who has no idea who Giddy is or, indeed, who anyone else is, including himself. With the convenience of namesake, Ozzy Osborne is the ideal partner. His past profligacy apart, the Chancellor will be able to demonstrate via the charmless Ozzy just what spending money on the wrong things actually looks like.
Secretary of State for Justice and Lord Chancellor, Ken Clarke: The US Celebrity judge, Judith Scheindlin ("Judge Judy") will bring a different prespective to the justice department. Instead of wrangling with pointless stuff like The Law, Ken and Judy can dispense justice on camera in line with what the sponsors woud like to see. OK, the prisons would soon be overflowing with lefties, liberals, gays, lesbians and black people (all Democrats in the US) but Daily Mail readers will be happy...
Secretary of State for the Home Department and Minister for Women & Equality, Theresa May: Jeremy Clarkson is a shoe-in for this Celeb post, given his fair-mindedness, proven track record on all matters of equality and tolerance of humanity generally. A formidable pairing, that's for sure. Terrorists will be choosing anywhere but Britain to ply their fiendish trades.
Secretary of State for Defence, Philip Hammond: When it comes to war, we need a balanced set of opinions in cabinet, especially in gender. We also need a woman that is battle-hardened in conflicts with a variety of foes. Billie Piper!
Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills, Dr Vince Cable: It's a shame that Brian Wilde died in 2008. Close your eyes and listen to Cable - yes, it's Mr Barraclough from Porridge. Instead, we'll have to make do with Katie Price. There'll then be three huge tits in the Department for BIS.
Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith: The "Quiet Man" couldn't operate with anyone noisy, so the Celeb pool is shallower for him than for the others. Thankfully, BBC Radio has the ideal man in "Whisperin' Bob" Harris. IDS and Bob will have to move to a very small office where the pair can communicate easily, whispering in one another's ears their ideas to cut benefits with some indie rock/jazz/folk fusion burbling in the background.
Secretary of State for Energy & Climate Change, Ed Davey: Seriously now, folks, no Celeb culture here - it's too important...George Monbiot.
Secretary of State for Health, Andrew Lansley: His reforms are deeply unpopular with the NHS. He needs, as his partner in cabinet, an example of what will happen to people if the NHS fails; Keith Richard.
Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove: Govey is rated one of the brightest of politicians (which, given the competition, is damning with faint praise), along with his side-kick, "Two-Brains" Willetts, the universities minister. Findig a Celeb of equal intelligence would have been impossible had it not been for the fragrant Carol Vorderman. And as an added bonus, she can help Giddy do the adding up and when he gets his sums wrong, she can arrange a lovely loan from Ocean Finance of £1tn to bail the country out.
Secretary of State for Communities & Local Government, Eric Pickles: Celebrity Chef Anthony Worrall-Thompson will be on hand to feed Pickles his seventeen meals a day with the added advantage of savings to the minstry as AW-T doesn't have to pay for any of the food he gets at the supermarket...allegedly.
Secretary of State for Transport, Justine Greening: Jeremy Clarkson might have been seen as the obvious choice but with him having teamed-up with Theresa May, then Justine will have to make do with either the 'Hamster' or 'Captain Slow'. On the basis that Richard Hammond is probably smaller than Ms Greening, then it has to be him.
Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, Carline Spelman: Adam Henson, the farmer from the BBC's Countryfile knows a bit about Spelman's department. In fact, he knows everything about everything and tells viewers this in such a patronising, holier-than-thou manner, he's ideally suited to government. He can even run his sheepdogs round the cabinet room rounding up Liberals that have foolishly chosen not to vote with Dave (although Huhne's gone now)
Secretary of State for International Development, Andrew Mitchell: Benjamin Zephaniah - a voice of reason in this, the silliest of departments that continues colonial thinking in a modern world. He can also write some nice poetry about what it's like ebing in the Cabinet..."I used to think nurses / Were women, / I used to think police / Were men, / I used to think poets / Were boring, / Until I became one of them." Zepphaniah;s 'Who's Who', will need an extra couplet; perhaps it could run: "I used to think Politicians were idiots / Well, they are, mostly"
Secretary of State for Scotland, Owen Paterson: Doesn't get a Celeb assistant as the office will be remaindered soon with the delivery of Salmon's independence.
Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, Michael Moore: Obviously, documentary film-maker and scourge of United States' NRA, the real Michael Moore will assist here and do radio interviews so that presenters only have to remember one name.
Secretary of State for Wales, Cheryl Gillan: It's tempting to suggest Charlotte Church but by 2013, the most famous Welsh Celeb will be the dancer, Robbie Savage.
Secretary of State for Culture, Olympics, Media & Sport, Jeremy Hunt: As this new cabinet will not be formed until after the Olympics and Hunt's department will be reduced to a three-letter acronym again, the focus will have turned to England's failure to win anything at football. Hunt will need a credible spokesperson; Gazza.
Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander: Nobody really knows what this job entails. I mean, if we have the Prime Minister as the First Lord of the Treasury and a Chancellor of the Exchequer that has the country's debit card, then what does Danny Boy do? Still, one mustn't be churlish; Danny has to have a Celeb. One that would suit would be Peter Andre, as nobody knows why he is there, either.
Leader of the House of Lords & Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, Lord Strathclyde: Thomas Galloway Dunlop du Roy de Blicquy Galbraith, 2nd Baron Strathclyde, is a personification of the anachronism that is the House of Lords and must be partnered with the equivalent anachronistic irrelevance from the world of entertainment...Bruce Forsyth.
Minister Without Portflio (Minister of State), Baroness Warsi: Provided that the former England soccer captain is found innocent in July, then who better to be the champion of multi-culturalism with Warsi than John Terry. And the "without portfolio" bit, will mean that he can dick off on a Saturday afternoon to kick a ball about a bit, too.
| "I thought I told you it wasn't 'smart casual' again today..." |
These days, the Coalition has done well at avoiding the Celeb trap but there are signs that the usual mid-term idiocy is on its way; Portas being their prime example thus far. It can only get worse as the Conservaral Libertive agendas make less and less impact and the need to deflect the public becomes greater once the bloody Olympics and the horror of the Queen's diamond jubilee are out of the way and everyone returns to the tawdriness of life in asterity.
To save everyone the time and trouble of speculation on what a "Cabinet of All the Celebrity Talent" will look like when our Secretaries of State and senior Ministers get their star support, this is what we've got to look forward to:
The Prime Minsiter, David Cameron: Dave will be teamed up with Ian Hislop. The diminutive editor of Private Eye isn't, in the true sense of today's mad culture, a celebrity, but a serious journalist with a satrirical sense. It would be demeaning to the highest office of state then to have a proper Celeb so Hislop is the ideal candidate.
The Deputy Prime Minsiter, Nick Clegg: Nick needs a bit of a boost so he gets two for the price of one. Yes! It's Jedward! The terminally dim Irish duo can only add to the profile of the Office of the Deputy PM which, thereafter, will be known as the Jedwegg...
Secretary of State for Foreign & Commonwealth Affairs, William Hague: Tempting though it may be put globe- and solar system-trotter Richard Branson into the FCO with his universal knowledge of all things foreign, Hague has to be joined by another professional Yorkshireman that might be able to drink fourteen pints in a session and has the added cachet of being gay. Step up the GLA...David Hockney. The UK's foreign policy may then begin and end at Bridlington, but that's no bad thing.
 |
| Guiding his namesake through austerity... |
Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne: The inconvenient truth is that nobody actually wants to work with the privileged toff, Osborne, so we'll need someone who has no idea who Giddy is or, indeed, who anyone else is, including himself. With the convenience of namesake, Ozzy Osborne is the ideal partner. His past profligacy apart, the Chancellor will be able to demonstrate via the charmless Ozzy just what spending money on the wrong things actually looks like.
Secretary of State for Justice and Lord Chancellor, Ken Clarke: The US Celebrity judge, Judith Scheindlin ("Judge Judy") will bring a different prespective to the justice department. Instead of wrangling with pointless stuff like The Law, Ken and Judy can dispense justice on camera in line with what the sponsors woud like to see. OK, the prisons would soon be overflowing with lefties, liberals, gays, lesbians and black people (all Democrats in the US) but Daily Mail readers will be happy...
Secretary of State for the Home Department and Minister for Women & Equality, Theresa May: Jeremy Clarkson is a shoe-in for this Celeb post, given his fair-mindedness, proven track record on all matters of equality and tolerance of humanity generally. A formidable pairing, that's for sure. Terrorists will be choosing anywhere but Britain to ply their fiendish trades.
Secretary of State for Defence, Philip Hammond: When it comes to war, we need a balanced set of opinions in cabinet, especially in gender. We also need a woman that is battle-hardened in conflicts with a variety of foes. Billie Piper!
Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills, Dr Vince Cable: It's a shame that Brian Wilde died in 2008. Close your eyes and listen to Cable - yes, it's Mr Barraclough from Porridge. Instead, we'll have to make do with Katie Price. There'll then be three huge tits in the Department for BIS.
 |
| OGWT - Quietly |
Secretary of State for Energy & Climate Change, Ed Davey: Seriously now, folks, no Celeb culture here - it's too important...George Monbiot.
Secretary of State for Health, Andrew Lansley: His reforms are deeply unpopular with the NHS. He needs, as his partner in cabinet, an example of what will happen to people if the NHS fails; Keith Richard.
Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove: Govey is rated one of the brightest of politicians (which, given the competition, is damning with faint praise), along with his side-kick, "Two-Brains" Willetts, the universities minister. Findig a Celeb of equal intelligence would have been impossible had it not been for the fragrant Carol Vorderman. And as an added bonus, she can help Giddy do the adding up and when he gets his sums wrong, she can arrange a lovely loan from Ocean Finance of £1tn to bail the country out.
Secretary of State for Communities & Local Government, Eric Pickles: Celebrity Chef Anthony Worrall-Thompson will be on hand to feed Pickles his seventeen meals a day with the added advantage of savings to the minstry as AW-T doesn't have to pay for any of the food he gets at the supermarket...allegedly.
Secretary of State for Transport, Justine Greening: Jeremy Clarkson might have been seen as the obvious choice but with him having teamed-up with Theresa May, then Justine will have to make do with either the 'Hamster' or 'Captain Slow'. On the basis that Richard Hammond is probably smaller than Ms Greening, then it has to be him.
 |
| Henson with other Cabinet members |
Secretary of State for International Development, Andrew Mitchell: Benjamin Zephaniah - a voice of reason in this, the silliest of departments that continues colonial thinking in a modern world. He can also write some nice poetry about what it's like ebing in the Cabinet..."I used to think nurses / Were women, / I used to think police / Were men, / I used to think poets / Were boring, / Until I became one of them." Zepphaniah;s 'Who's Who', will need an extra couplet; perhaps it could run: "I used to think Politicians were idiots / Well, they are, mostly"
Secretary of State for Scotland, Owen Paterson: Doesn't get a Celeb assistant as the office will be remaindered soon with the delivery of Salmon's independence.
Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, Michael Moore: Obviously, documentary film-maker and scourge of United States' NRA, the real Michael Moore will assist here and do radio interviews so that presenters only have to remember one name.
Secretary of State for Wales, Cheryl Gillan: It's tempting to suggest Charlotte Church but by 2013, the most famous Welsh Celeb will be the dancer, Robbie Savage.
 |
| An Ambassador of all that is great about UK Sport |
Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander: Nobody really knows what this job entails. I mean, if we have the Prime Minister as the First Lord of the Treasury and a Chancellor of the Exchequer that has the country's debit card, then what does Danny Boy do? Still, one mustn't be churlish; Danny has to have a Celeb. One that would suit would be Peter Andre, as nobody knows why he is there, either.
Leader of the House of Lords & Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, Lord Strathclyde: Thomas Galloway Dunlop du Roy de Blicquy Galbraith, 2nd Baron Strathclyde, is a personification of the anachronism that is the House of Lords and must be partnered with the equivalent anachronistic irrelevance from the world of entertainment...Bruce Forsyth.
Minister Without Portflio (Minister of State), Baroness Warsi: Provided that the former England soccer captain is found innocent in July, then who better to be the champion of multi-culturalism with Warsi than John Terry. And the "without portfolio" bit, will mean that he can dick off on a Saturday afternoon to kick a ball about a bit, too.
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