Lost Labour's Love?

Poor Ed Miliband. 

According to some poll or other this week, the Labour Leader is now less popular than just about everyone else in UK politics, or maybe even the most unpopular man in the UK after Ant and/or Dec. I don't know and neither do I or the rest of the country really give a shit, even though we should, given that having an effective opposition is a really good idea in a democracy. But, if he ever had it, has he now lost Labour's love, despite having the quality that Shakespeare described in his play of a very similar name?

"A man in all the world’s new fashion planted, that hath a mint of phrases in his brain."

Or is it (again from the pages of the same work) that...

"He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument."

How Many Days Left as Labour Leader?

It would be wrong to suggest that being the Leader of the Opposition is easy, particularly during these difficult times when it's hard to come up with any solutions at all to the mess we're in. And Ed's problem goes beyond where Opposition used to be - which was the automatic gainsay of the party in power - given that everyone is more or less 'centrist' with a small lean either to left or right. So Ed has to differentiate himself and his party by the finest of margins and yet still be seen to be offering a credible alternative.

I kid you not - he's THIS big!

Regrettably for Ed, he is also so easily lampooned. Silly voice, stary eyes, inappropriate hand-movements, repetitive rhetoric...the list goes on and is underpinned by the unfortunate fact (for Ed) that his more accomplished sibling is just waiting in the wings and is a man that really does have a staple in his argument that is far finer than his verbosity; along with the fact that Hilary Clinton probably wouldn't like to shag Ed. All the while that Ed searches fruitlessly for his credible alternative, it's just sitting there in the form of his electable older brother, as if David was Dorian Gray and Ed, the portrait, becoming more distasteful and horrific by the day.

Having been a Labour voter all my adult life, I cannot honestly recall a party leader as inept and embarrassing as Ed. And I can remember Michael Foot! Even Jim Callaghan and Gordon Brown occasionally elicited positive and passionate reactions. Blair was almost wonderful until he discovered money, Roman Catholicism and the networking opportunities available to war...sorry, peace envoys . Neil Kinnock might have been Welsh, ginger and fell over on a beach with Glenys and said something like "Wurrorrite" too many times on a podium back in the day but at least he had some guns to which he stuck. And John Smith...ah! if only...  

There must be a few people that are employed at Labour Party HQ whose sole role it is to follow Ed around paying him compliments, assuring him that he really is electable and managing his self-esteem. If there isn't such a harem of toadies, then how could Ed possibly continue as leader of the party against the background of such appalling press comment and parliamentary sketches.

What maketh this man, the Right Honorable Ed Miliband, MP, Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition, and the youngest Labour Party Leader since WW2?

"You will say EXACTLY what I told you to say...capiche?"

Well, to begin (and might as well end) with, like just about everyone else in the Cabinet and the Shadow Cabinet, Ed has never had a proper job, unless you count a very brief association with television journalism. Maybe he should have stuck at that a bit longer so that some producer or other could have told him what an arse he comes across as on the telly. But no, like all of his colleagues, he became a policy wonk, most notably for Hariet Harperson, and after a few years policy-wonking and a couple of semesters teaching economics at Harvard, he emulated his big brother by bagging a safe Labour seat in t'North, at Doncaster. Oh, how the Donnie faithful must have cheered as a plummy-mouthed, lapsed-Jewish southerner, barely out of nappies, became their representative at parliament. Blair and Brown gave him some lovely jobs and then when Brown became leader, Ed was elevated to the Privy Council as Minister for the Cabinet Office. In 2008, Brown compounded his earlier error by giving Ed the new portfilio of Energy and Climate Change whereupon the deluded Miliband promised to cut our carbon emissions by 80% by 2050 rather than the Kyoto-agreed 60%, or the more realistic 0%. That said, he did manage to change policy on coal-fired power stations after being harangued by the late and greatly lamented Pete Postlethwaite, in a scene a bit like when  the "Lumley Protocol" got dumped upon the odious little Phil Woolas. And then, after Brown was booted out of Downing Street and the stage was set assuredly for David Miliband to ascend to the leadership...there came the real "What the fuck just happened..?" moment of twenty-first century British politics and Labour became largely unelectable. To be fair to Ed, though, apart from David, the other choices for the leadership weren't that spectacular.

So what should Labour do now? It isn't that easy to get rid of a party leader, no matter how much they'd like to. The Labour Party constitution presents several hurdles to get over and lots of voting to be done. Then there's the damage that would undoubtedly come from the press, even though most of the political correspondents might agree that Ed is a mistake. The politcial capital to be made and invested over many years by the Tories would be massive and might even secure Cameron a second term just on its own.

And even if Labour were able to jump these fences and not crash in an ignominious heap on the other side, who on earth could take on the mantle? Here are some of the current crop of choices:

Ed Balls: Could the party contemplate another Ed and, worse still, one that has tacitly agreed with Osborne?

Yvette Cooper: Ed's partner, so more Ed Headlines. Probably not.

Harriet Harperson: Labour must be ready for a full-time female leader but the suggestion is that she might just have had enough.

Byrne - "...this is my
Vladimir Putin...like it?"

Liam "Sorry, there's no money left" Byrne: You can't do that and expect to make it to the top job. It may have been marginally funny but politics is a serious business that knows where its bodies are buried.

Caroline Flint: Took on Ed's old portfolio and rose without a trace.

Sadiq Khan: Unproven shadow Lord Chancellor. It's bad enough being a shadow Secretary of State but a shadow 'Lord'. Credibility issues.

Chukha Umunna: Clever guy but even Yvette, in her role as Minister for Equalities might have to wonder that, although Labour might be ready for a woman at the helm, the inconvenient truth may be that the party isn't quite prepared for it's 'Obama moment'?

Hilary Benn: Not quite his dad, really, is he?

Take That! Ya Tory Bastard!

Step up, then, the scourge of Murdoch! It's Tom Watson! OK, he was censured a bit during the expenses scandal because he claimed £4,800 in one year for food but he's a big lad. Not quite your Eric Pickles but he probably takes some feeding. Apart from that, the Deputy Chair of the party and Ed's Campaign Director is arguably the man most likely to succeed and, amazingly, is an MP for a constituency (West Bromwich) that is not too far from where he grew up. OK, he's never had a proper job either but plus ca change. Of course, it will be a little unseemly, if not downright back-stabby, for Ed's campaign man to campaign against Ed, but politics is as dirty as it is serious. Cameron would quake at the prospect of the hard line that would be taken by Watson at PMQs...OK, I made that bit up.

Buckle up, everyone...twenty years of Tory rule awaits...