00.01 hrs, Wednesday 6th June 2012: Post-Diamond Jubilee misery sets in throughout Britain...
If you thought it was all over, then think again
Some of the British people have had a "Right Royal Weekend". The euphoria of celebrating the fact that an old woman has managed to stay alive and keep the job that she can't be sacked from is over and done. Except it isn't. Here come the souvenirs, for starters. There'll be millions of commemoration plates and mugs; for different types of mugs to buy and 'cherish'. The DVDs will be out soon so we can listen - all over again - to fawning, sycophantic BBC hirelings telling us how remarkable the queen is by, er... remarking on that. We'll be able to buy it in 'Blu-Ray HD', so that the tiniest details of the back of celebrity heads can be discerned through the mirk and gloom of a sodden Thames day, sensibly sitting inside their barges getting pissed while all the time, this remarkable old lady stood up - on her own legs!
The hyperbolic vox pops on the other hand, now they were truly remarkable...
"Oooh! Did you see her? She was standing up!" Something that that observer had clearly never seen anyone do, even on a barge.
"Isn't she marvellous, at her age, in the cold!" Ignoring the fact that around twenty-five per cent of octogenarians in Britain live in fuel poverty in 2012 and are constantly "in the cold".
"I don't know why some people don't like her. I'd rather have the queen than a dictator!" That isn't the only choice, you arse.
"Without her on the throne, then the country would just fall apart!" Too late, dear; it has already.
"Look at Germany! They don't have a queen. Who'd want to be a German?" Hmmm. Well, right now, who wouldn't? Anyway, the Germans do have a queen - ours. Then again the Greeks have one of our princes. Maybe the whole Euro shambles is all our fault after all...
As post-jubilation depression descends on the country and Government sends the lucky few that have jobs back to work, there is a brief period of relative calm until the next outpouring of jingoistic, national pride - The 2012 European Football Championships! The worst thing that could have happened during the run up to, and the actuality of the jubilee celebration would have been if the queen had died. On the upside, it would have been a terrific week or so of national grief to bury some really crappy news about Osborne's latest misreading of...well, everything.
No such luck with the Euro Footie, though. In the highly unlikely event of England winning, then I suppose there will have to another Thames pageant only this time with Wayne Rooney and John Terry in the big barge while Roy Hodgson still has to explain why he didn't select Rio Ferdinand. (He didn't, largely because Rio is now a lumbering old git that can hardly play nine minutes let alone ninety but the unspoken accusation is that Hodgson couldn't play Terry and Ferdinand together because Terry might call Rio the 'N' word, what with him being family and all.)
Of course, England won't win the Euros, which means that the Coalition will have to wait for the Olympics to restore National Pride, possibly even the 2012 games.
Back at "The Palace", in the meantime, there will be rumblings. (BTW, why do they say "The Palace" when there's more than one in her property portfolio? Maybe they should just say "A Palace") Anyway, the scenario planning will have begun already...
"Will she make it to seventy-five years? She'll be almost one hundred years old, so an opportunity for a double jubilation stunt. Will she be gaga, though? Could she stand up on a barge? Will she be a widow? Could she do a jubilee thingy in black? Who might be Prime Minister in 2027? Surely not that ghastly Johnson buffoon? Or George Galloway? It's all too awful to contemplate. Drastic action is required. She must retire. Good pension scheme, nice retirement house (but better not in Scotland with all those independent types). Can't put Chazza on the throne, though. Not with Queen Camilla having to nip out for a Capstan Full Strength half way through the State Opening of Parliament. No. It'll have to be Wills (William, not WD & HO). That's a thought! Part of the programme will be a proper royal birth - maybe live on the BBC, with Nicholas Witchell and Jennie Bond manning the entonox? Schedule that for 2014, then. Then another in 2016. Then her majesty can retire at ninety, just as an example to all the lazy oiks in the working class that have been whining about having to work until they're sixty-eight. How can we pass over Chazza, though? Can't change the constitution that easily....Yah! Got it! Little motoring accident in some foreign city, perhaps?"
Don't think it couldn't happen.
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