Europe: What to do....?

A lot of huff and bluster and some flummery in the House of Commons yesterday (12 December) as parliament debated Dave's stance at the latest EU farrago, along with the notable absence of the ineffective little Cleggster. ("...I'm not responsible for his whereabouts...but I'm sure he's working hard..." was Dave's response to the question about Clegg's non-attendance). There was much speculation about where Clegg had got to. I can reveal here, exclusively, that he had, finally, disappeared up his own arse.

Tory Party Policy Unit Staff

The leaders of the "17" and the other "9" throughout Europe must have been wondering why on earth Dave and Mr Ed were yelling at each other across the floor over the former's use of the veto. Actually, they probably weren't, as they've got their own monumental difficulties to sort out in the next few weeks with the odds-on chance that they'll fail. Again. My theory is that Dave was told to 'vote', but his senior policy advisor (who is only 12 years old) transposed the vowels. Schoolboy howler but there we are; it's done now. 

It was strange, though, that without any prompting or orders from the Speaker, the house fell as silent as the grave to hear the first question of the debate; from the old daddy of the house and favourite of the Euro-sceptic right-wing, Sir Peter Tapsell. And, of course, the killer question came later from the older, more accomplished and, ultimately, the only electable Miliband brother.

Nonetheless, there is no one answer to this whole rotten mess at the moment, either in Britain or on the continent, apart from the one solution that has dealt with these disagreements over the centuries and the one that we should be debating...

WAR!

Let's have a war, then. A proper one. Not some namby-pamby, frigid political war based on the devising of treaties under the control of self-serving diplomats in Brussells and Whitehall. No. Let's have a war with guns and stuff. At one point in the commons debate yesterday, Dave even said that we should use "...the big bazooka..." so he's quite clearly thinking along the same lines, as echoed by the odious, wannabe-'sleb, Austin Mitchell later in the debate.

Another Etonian with a Piece of Paper

With the majority of traditional wars, there is a need for someone (on behalf of their state) to declare an intention to blow things up, kill people and all that sort of stuff, usually with the rider that conflict can be avoided if certain things were agreed to. Kind of blackmail, really, but an acceptable, last-ditch approach in order to avoid mass slaughter, traditionally represented by a 'piece of paper' waved from atop a gantry at an airport.

So, the following should be Britain's proposal for the declaration of war, to be delivered by Dave, or, perhaps, Bill Hague, seeing he has the sort of voice and delivery that might sound a bit more scary in the absence of the unlamented Dr Fox and Mr Werrity. Europeans might be fazed by a faux-Yorkshire accent more than an Etonian one? Or perhaps Dave should recruit his pal Clarkson as some kind of emissary as he's already demonstrated his skill at threatening to execute people. Anyway, here goes:

We may declare war on the whole of Europe because:

1) 26:1 are odds we've dealt with before, Johnny Foreigner - so be afraid! Especially you cheese-eating surrender-monkeys!

2) The major economies in Europe are all in nations that have either been whupped unceremoniously by us in the past or just ran way / collaborated with the enemy when everything got a bit scary. And don't think that our lack of guns and ships and planes can't be addressed by our pulling out of the Middle East. Ha!

3) It's probably constitutionally allowed (a bit). Besides, by the time the Eurocrats in Brussels and Strasbourg have worked out why we shouldn't have a war, it'll all be over; by Christmas, usually. And if the European Union doesn't comply with the following demands, then they can assume a state of war has been declared between us (and don't forget - we have videos of Sarkozy and Merkel together doing things in hotels - yeah! We have! You thought it was just in your worst nightmares, but we'll post them on YouTube - just see if we don't...)

a) Abandon the Euro Now! Immediatement! / Sofort! / Immediatamente! / Onmiddellijk!

b) Abandon CAP and CFP Now! Immediatement! / Sofort! / Immediatamente! / Onmiddellijk!

c) Give us all our money back (£14 Tn.) Now! Immediatement! / Sofort! / Immediatamente! / Onmiddellijk!

d) Allow all European nations to vote for the UK at the Eurovision Song Contest (instead of just Malta)

e) Forget about Turkey joining the EU, by the way. Any schoolboy with a 'C' in GCSE Geography will tell you that Turkey is in Asia Minor, not Europe. Tch! The inclusion of the west of Cyprus is a bit questionable too, while we're on.

f) Lift Wayne Rooney's two match suspension right away. I know he can be an annoying little scouse tosser but he's started scoring again. Also - and we really don't want to come over as Geography pedants here - but since when was Ukraine in Europe? UEFA must rearrange the 2012 championships to be played at the Polish venues only.

The European Union must comply with these demands by 24th December. A big piece of paper (about flip chart size will do) must also be signed by Herbert Von Rumpy-Pumpy and Jose Manuel Barrosso on behalf of the EU with the following declaration:

"We, the Presidents of the European Commission and the Council of Europe, on behalf of all the European Union (EU) Nations (and especially France and Germany) declare that the EU will never, ever, ever again do something as stupid as to try to use the same currency in more than country. I mean...duh! Who ever thought that would really work?

"Furthermore, we declare that the EU will stop interfering in the legitimate business of any other state:  things like imperial measurements, fruit shapes, working hours directives...oh, and banking. We'll never mess with banks.

"Finally, we will stop referring to the United Kingdom as 'le Royaume-uni' at Eurovision."

That should sort everything out, then