Everyone in The West appears to have moved to a new country, or a state, if you like...and it's one called "Denial". I've taken the odd holiday to the state of Denial in the past but have never planned to become a permanent resident. However, that seems to be position of many governments, including our own here in the UK.
| George Osborne and Danny Alexander get to grips with major Global Economic Problems |
Since Parliament came back from the last recess, we've had some major policy announcements. Things that are so fundamentally game-changing that I'm surprised that Dave & Co didn't make them priorities back in 2010. For example, we can all look forward to having our bins emptied more regularly. Ofqual, the watchdog for examinations in education, now have the ability to fine examination boards that have screwed up (annual event). Yippee! And it looks like we're going to get some differently-designed pylons to carry the electricity through the grid...you know, the stuff Vladimir Putin allows to us buy from Russia seeing as we can't make enough of our own. Then there's the thirty-year programme to drive a train from London through the Home Counties to Birmingham so that people who won't need to do the journey any longer because there'll be no jobs, can get there fifteen minutes earlier. Or, there's the much-awaited changes to the Legal Aid system so that scumbags can get away with murder (and lesser crimes) but instead using a free market of supply of lawyers and barristers, probably run by Cherie Booth Legal Services plc; a sub-division of Blair Firerush Global MegaCorp (Bahamas) Inc.
And if all this smashing new policy stuff wasn't enough, then there's the regular political scandal to focus on, the current blip being with Liam Fox. It seems that his best mate, Adam Werrity (is he really called Verity, but the vicar that christened him was German?) goes to work with Dr Fox; attends meetings with dignitaries, advises on defence policy, decides to invade Libya...that sort of thing, probably. Well, that's not so bad, is it? Lots of people take their mates to work. I understand that the soccer player, Steeeevie Gerrraaaard has a mate that just goes everywhere with him so that he has someone to talk to and never appears to be sad and alone. Then there was Gazza and Jimmy Fivebellies. And Raoul Moat and Gazza. See?
All of this and more should keep us all interested and our minds off the main issue...
THE WORLD IS ABOUT DISAPPEAR UP ITS OWN ARSE AS A RESULT OF FINANCIAL ARMAGEDDON!!!! PANIC NOW!!!!! NOBODY WILL SURVIVE!!!! IT'S AN "EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENT"!!!!! SOMEBODY PHONE BRUCE WILLIS NOW AND MAKE SURE HE'S WEARING A DIRTY VEST!!!!! AAAAAARRRRGH!!!!!!!
And how has this happened? Here's the view from the Man on the Clapham Omnibus...
"Er...dunno...is it the cuts, innit?"
Let me explain. It's not the cuts, of course. These are merely a consequence of the problem and a pointless one at that seeing as everything will be toast before they make the slightest difference.
No. These are the things that have brought us to this point:
1) Greed: Greed is not "good", after all then, Mr Gecko. It's not all about the "bankers" either, although some of them are certainly culpable. It's also about the unphilanthropic industrialists (so that's most of them) who play with world's resources and people like so many pieces in a board game in order to be the most powerful and to live beyond the reach of any law. To make matters worse, the people who operate the financial markets don't really get it either. Their motivation is usually pure greed or, when their "positions" become ridiculously exposed, covering their stinking, foetid arses and the billions of dollars and Euros they play with are no more to them than monopoly money rather than the livings of actual human beings.
2) Stupidity: Nobody really understands how the Global Economy works. It's too big and complex and, ultimately, full of surprises, none of which are nice ones. While the IMF, the World Bank, the UN and institutions like the Federal Reserve argue with one another about what's happened, what's happening and what's about to happen, their latest rationales and action plans become obsolete the second they're published because something else unexpected has happened. And the academics and economists are just as clueless. In a less than cheery interview on the BBC recently, a "world-renowned economist" was asked a simple question. If all these countries owe so much money that they can't pay it back...then to whom is it owed? Cue a load of technical flannel about national debt structures. The question is asked again and again resulting in more fatuous gibberish. He didn't know. And yet he advises the World Bank, the IMF etc., etc... The inconvenient truth is that everybody owes the money to everyone else. Some countries even owe money to Greece! And we in the UK are owed money by countries beginning with 'I'. But the lion's share of the debt is owed to the emerging economies like China and India who are snaffling it up like greedy hogs at the trough just like the US did a few years ago.
3) Denial: Because the people who are supposed to understand how it all works or who are supposed to lead countries into a brighter tomorrow either don't get it or are so determined to weather the storm for pointless political ends, we end up living in Denial. There are some healthy, informed and positive debates about Global Warming, because it's tangible. There is even empirical evidence for and against. The trouble with Global Finance is...you can't touch it, see it or fathom it. Osborne is a minor player in the world economy but his reaction and position are typical. Make a speech saying how it'll all be fixed by being prudent and efficient. Take any statistic about the economy here or abroad and spin it with percentages or comparative data. Anything but the truth. Imagine Giddy standing up in the House and delivering the following speech...
"Look everyone, I don't actually understand the economy or the markets and I've asked all the chaps at the Treasury and neither do they. Even Danny, but then again his last job was as a warden in a National Park. Dave's completely lost, too, and even "Two-Brains Willetts" blew up both of them trying to get his one head round quantitative easing. Then I remembered that we were in a coalition thingy and that Vince was supposed to be clever so I asked him and he suggested that as we had inherited our deficit from Labour we shoud get them to sort it out. That's when I had my brainwave! Inheritance Tax! So that's the new policy...that and asking Her Madge to chip in a bit. Oh, and making things then selling them...you know, lovely things like wallpaper...and possibly something to do with the price of fish and how many eggs make six. That sort of thing. And crying a little bit and running away..."
And if all this smashing new policy stuff wasn't enough, then there's the regular political scandal to focus on, the current blip being with Liam Fox. It seems that his best mate, Adam Werrity (is he really called Verity, but the vicar that christened him was German?) goes to work with Dr Fox; attends meetings with dignitaries, advises on defence policy, decides to invade Libya...that sort of thing, probably. Well, that's not so bad, is it? Lots of people take their mates to work. I understand that the soccer player, Steeeevie Gerrraaaard has a mate that just goes everywhere with him so that he has someone to talk to and never appears to be sad and alone. Then there was Gazza and Jimmy Fivebellies. And Raoul Moat and Gazza. See?
All of this and more should keep us all interested and our minds off the main issue...
THE WORLD IS ABOUT DISAPPEAR UP ITS OWN ARSE AS A RESULT OF FINANCIAL ARMAGEDDON!!!! PANIC NOW!!!!! NOBODY WILL SURVIVE!!!! IT'S AN "EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENT"!!!!! SOMEBODY PHONE BRUCE WILLIS NOW AND MAKE SURE HE'S WEARING A DIRTY VEST!!!!! AAAAAARRRRGH!!!!!!!
And how has this happened? Here's the view from the Man on the Clapham Omnibus...
"Er...dunno...is it the cuts, innit?"
Let me explain. It's not the cuts, of course. These are merely a consequence of the problem and a pointless one at that seeing as everything will be toast before they make the slightest difference.
No. These are the things that have brought us to this point:
| Get used to wearing numbers on your clothes, guys... |
2) Stupidity: Nobody really understands how the Global Economy works. It's too big and complex and, ultimately, full of surprises, none of which are nice ones. While the IMF, the World Bank, the UN and institutions like the Federal Reserve argue with one another about what's happened, what's happening and what's about to happen, their latest rationales and action plans become obsolete the second they're published because something else unexpected has happened. And the academics and economists are just as clueless. In a less than cheery interview on the BBC recently, a "world-renowned economist" was asked a simple question. If all these countries owe so much money that they can't pay it back...then to whom is it owed? Cue a load of technical flannel about national debt structures. The question is asked again and again resulting in more fatuous gibberish. He didn't know. And yet he advises the World Bank, the IMF etc., etc... The inconvenient truth is that everybody owes the money to everyone else. Some countries even owe money to Greece! And we in the UK are owed money by countries beginning with 'I'. But the lion's share of the debt is owed to the emerging economies like China and India who are snaffling it up like greedy hogs at the trough just like the US did a few years ago.
3) Denial: Because the people who are supposed to understand how it all works or who are supposed to lead countries into a brighter tomorrow either don't get it or are so determined to weather the storm for pointless political ends, we end up living in Denial. There are some healthy, informed and positive debates about Global Warming, because it's tangible. There is even empirical evidence for and against. The trouble with Global Finance is...you can't touch it, see it or fathom it. Osborne is a minor player in the world economy but his reaction and position are typical. Make a speech saying how it'll all be fixed by being prudent and efficient. Take any statistic about the economy here or abroad and spin it with percentages or comparative data. Anything but the truth. Imagine Giddy standing up in the House and delivering the following speech...
| Are These Men to Blame? Probably Not...I mean, look at them. Asleep on the job. |
OK...Maybe I'm over-egging the drama here. Maybe denial is an appropriate response and things will balance themselves over time. No! Really! Maybe they will. Perhaps it's just part of the natural re-balancing that has happened over the last few billion years on this planet.
But, if it were up to me, then this is the plan...
Call it quits. Everyone just wipes out the debts and we start all over again only with a New World Order with the following people in charge of the New World Government:
President of The New World: Morgan Freeman. Without doubt he's been the best President in the movies and has had experience of dealing with major catastrophes. And he's black but a bit freckly and looks very wise. Has also been God.
Deputy Presidents of The New World: Helen Mirren assisted by Hugh Grant. Anyone that is prepared to defend the honour of the deliciously alluring Martine Escutcheon gets my vote, especially when he was faced with the skullduggerous Billy-Bob Thornton in a Bush suit. Ms Mirren's credentials require no justification.
New World Bank Chief: John Major. Let's face it; if we've learned anything about money in the last few years it's that it has to be dull from now on. We need someone who was prepared to run away from the circus to be an accountant.
Head of Justice in the New World: A Woman. Any Woman (apart from any of those listed in appendix 1 below) assisted by Sylvester Stallone in Judge Dredd costume to do her bidding without questions.
New World Controllers of Natural Resources: Gavin Pretor-Pinney & James Dyson
New World Heads of Culture: Brian Sewell & Bjork, based in Australia.
New World Religions Mediators: The Dalai Lama & Richard Dawkins
New World Health Supremo: A Doctor (but not Liam Fox). Graeme Garden would be good, but not Jonathan Miller.
New World Media Heads: Richard Ingrams and Charlie Brooker
Sports Co-ordinators for the New World: Jessica Ennis & John Motson
New World Co-ordinators of Fun: Andi Osho, Sarah Millican, Omid Djalilli and Rich Hall.
There is no need for a foreign policy head as nobody will be foreign.
Appendix 1: Under no circumstances can any of the following people be considered for positions in the New World Government:
Bono
Sting
Madonna
Kate Moss
Gwyneth Paltrow
Ricky Gervais
Jonathan Ross
Richard Branson
Ant and/or Dec
Geoffrey Boycott
Tony Blair
George Bush (Senior or Junior)
Jeremy Clarkson
Victoria Beckham
Alan Bennett
Tracy Emin
Dr Miriam Stoppard
George Gideon Oliver Osborne
Paul McCartney
That woman at the bottom of our street that mistreats her dogs
Loads of others...bored now
End
No comments:
Post a Comment