LONDON 2012: THERE IS NO ESCAPE

What "a" I don't give about the Olympics...

I don't give a toss about the London 2012 Olympic Games.

Actually, I don't give a toss about London, come to that, or any Olympic Games whether hosted in the UK or anywhere else; or if it's the Summer or Winter varieties. And I suspect I am not alone. I can't think of a single advantage coming out of the whole fanfarranade, apart from the delightful comedy on the BBC, "2012", that has, as Richard Ingrams would have put it, the "Ring of Truth" about it. In particular, the hapless infrastructure chief, who is unable to see the "carmageddon" nightmare as it approaches like the juggernauts it will disable. As with the original jagannath, London 2012 is now almost unstoppable and will crush supplicants and objectors alike.

Ingrams - Can always be relied upon
to spot the "Ring of Truth"

But it's quite clear that for the next few months until the whole pointless pile of excrement is over, around about the time everyone can go and shoot poultry next year, there will be nothing else to exercise the minds of politicians, editors and the fools who have spent their life savings (or the limit of another credit card) on tickets.

If the royal-fucking-wedding pissed you off then oh, boy, are you in for a year of discontent. 

What we need is an alternative 2012. It's all very well for Olympic-Deniers like me to simply shrug and say to one another, "I'll just leave the telly off for a couple of weeks". That won't work. These games (no, you're right, they're not games, they're a commercial opportunity that would make casino bankers jealous) will infest every medium. There is no escape...?

Well, there just might be, although the alternative is perhaps a little extreme. According to NASA (well-known for its ability with difficult things like rocket science), reckons that we are approaching a Solar Maximum in 2012. This is all to do with cyclical stuff in the Sun's magnetism and there's aslo a thing called a syzygy (good scrabble word) where the Earth will be in a line with Venus and the Sun. 

Our Sun going mental



When the Sun goes a bit nuts...and this syzygy acts like a magnifier, there's a real chance of solar storms of cataclysmic proportion. Those wily ancients, the Aztecs, predicted that 2012/13 would be the end of the current age and pretty much all the worst bits of the bible they'd never read would be visited upon our planet.

Timing, as they say, is everything. The perfect time, therefore, for this Solar Armageddon, would be 20.00hrs BST on 27 July 2012, right slap-bang in the middle of the opening ceremony. If this Venusian magnifier is sufficiently concentrated, then we will witness the involuntary immolation of dignitaries from around the globe, along with athletes and the idiots who took out second mortgages to acquire tickets.


Of course, the chances of this happening are so remote as to be almost non-existant so it remains that either Red Ken or Bo-Jo will still be able to pretend that London 2012 will be the greatest games of all time, leaving a brief legacy for the capital's rioters, looters and scumbags to destroy over the succeeding months.

Not that I have an awful lot of time for him, but it strikes me that it would be a little unfair on Boris Johnson to lose the mayoral election due to take place shortly before his beloved games only to see his nemesis, Ken Livingstone, on various podiums where he thought he should have been, shaking hands with the global great and good. Still, if the hoped-for, localised apocalypse does happen, then the Old Etonian toff will have the last laugh.

I've applied to the Chilean Embassy for my visa. On the basis that the Atacama Desert is a place where absolutely no life exists, it's a pretty fair bet that there'll be no papers or telly either.